Darth Maul vs. Thin Walls
By Katherine the Art Chick
Disclaimer: Those Star Wars people belong to Lucasfilm. No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick, 1999.
Thank you to Joan, Laura, Brian, and Rose for the suggestions.
8am. Maul heard loud moaning and bedspring creaking and headboard slamming coming... so to speak... from the apartment of his annoying yet enticing neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. The morning calisthenics had become even more of a ritual since Obi-Wan's nookie strike, and had become some kind of alarm clock from hell. Maul groaned and curled up in the fetal position and pulled the tattered remains of his pillow around his ears as Qui-Gon's moans joined Obi-Wan's. It didn't help much. Maul couldn't decide which was more annoying, the Pavlovian response his body made to the sound of the padawan's moans--it was just sex, dammit!--or the deep gruntings of that longhaired hippy freak. He preferred to not think of Qui-Gon having sex at all. Ew.
8am. Maul heard loud moaning and bedspring creaking and headboard slamming coming from the apartment of the padawan twit next door. Argh! Would he never be allowed to sleep in again? MAKE IT STOP!
Well, shit. Since he was up anyway... so to speak... he might as well get a shower. Yeah. Maybe the shower would drown out the noise.
He staggered into the bathroom and turned on the shower. His body was once again reacting to the sounds of Kenobi's pleasure. You suck, he told his body. It thumbed its nose at him.
He climbed into the shower. Nope, he could still hear the two moaning next door. Dammit. He beat his head on the shower wall.
A horrible thought struck him. Could he be conditioned to begin to LIKE the sound of Qui-Gon moaning? Ew! And yet his deep and abiding squick at the thought of Qui-Gon having sex hadn't gotten rid of his erection from the sounds of Obi-Wan having sex. He turned off the hot water. Argh! Cold showers suck.
8am. Maul was awakened by the sounds of Obi-Wan moaning loudly next door. He didn't hear Qui-Gon. Maybe Qui-Gon was going down on him. Ew! Bad mental image! He hastily replaced the mental image of Qui-Gon with one of himself. MUCH better. In fact, his body, which was already having its usual Pavlovian response to the sounds of Kenobi moaning, started demanding he provide it with a little focused quality time. You suck, he told his body. I wish, it answered, and filled his mind with images of the times HE had made the padawan make noises like that. Argh! He reached down between his legs and started giving his body what it wanted.
"Oh... oh... oh... oh yeah! oh... oh... oh..." Kenobi said, clearly audible through the thin walls. Oh, yeah, Maul thought. "Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! That's so good! Oh! Don't stop! Oh... oh... oh..." Maul arched his back and hissed. He was close. "Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh, Force! Oh! Oh, Qui-Gon!"
ARGH! Maul beat his head on the bed in frustration. That was uniquely unsatisfying, so he got up and beat his head on the wall. Little flecks of drywall landed on his feet.
8am. Ah, time for the alarm clock from hell. Well, Maul had had enough, dammit. He was sick and tired of listening to those Jedi twits have sex, and he wasn't going to listen to it any more, dammit!
He staggered into the living room and hit the random button on the CD player. Unfortunately, the CD in the player was "The Rolling Stones' Greatest Hits," and the song that came on was "Satisfaction."
Life hates me, Maul thought.
8am. Maul cracked one eyelid open groggily and looked around. Something was different, and he couldn't put his finger on it. He glanced at the clock and realized--silence! Yes! Maul was overjoyed.
Not getting any this morning, padawan twit? he gloated silently, trying not to project the thought in his glee. He grinned and savored the silence.
8:15am. Maul heard a door slam next door. Uh oh, he thought. He heard muffled conversation, then Kenobi saying, "Well, if I've been BAD, Daddy, maybe you should bend me over the table and give me a bare-bottomed spanking!" No. No. *Smack!* "Oh, yeah!" Oh, no!
Maul leapt out of bed and raced to the CD player and pressed the random button again to drown out his neighbor's spanking before his mind was filled with totally unacceptable mental images of himself spanking his neighbor for waking him up every morning at 8am. Even though Kenobi had a great ass. Argh!
Unfortunately, Maul hadn't changed the CD, and the song was now "Start Me Up." With horror, Maul realized that "Start Me Up" included lots of lines like "you make a grown man cry," and "you make a dead man come." Maul tried to decide which would be worse, letting the song play, or turning it off and listening to Kenobi get spanked and probably fucked afterwards. Then he considered putting the song on a repeating loop. Forever.
What he really needed was a song that wasn't suggestive of frustration or conducive to sex. Yeah. Maul wondered if he had one. "Sithlord Mayhem," maybe? No, no, that one included the line about busting into the apartment and... no. He dug through his CD collection frantically. Damn, he'd never realized how centered around sex and sexual frustration his music collection was. Clearly, he needed to get laid more.
"Start Me Up" was coming to a finish. It sounded like his annoying neighbor and his neighbor's annoying master were, too. Oh, thank the Force, a quickie.
8am. Maul heard the usual loud moaning and bedspring creaking and headboard slamming coming from next door. Argh!
"Oh... oh... oh... oh, yeah! Oh, Qui-Gon! Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh! More! Harder! Oh, yeah!" Maul ground his teeth and pulled the pillow over his ears.
"Oh, oh padawan! Ah! Yes!" No! Make it stop!
Maul leapt up and started jumping on his bed. "Uh! Uh! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Uh! Uh!" The ruse was oddly unsatisfying, perhaps because his neighbors showed no signs of even noticing.
8am. "Oh... oh... oh..." Argh!
Maul staggered sleepily out of bed and stomped out to the balcony to drink a six-pack of Pete's Wicked Ale and smoke a pack of cigarettes. He scowled out at the city and the universe in general. Life hates me, Maul thought. Although the noise was somewhat muffled out here. Maybe he should start sleeping on the balcony.
"Oh... oh... oh... oh..." Maul contemplated kicking in his neighbor's sliding glass door, pulling that longhaired hippy off Obi-Wan, and flinging the old freak off the balcony to his death before taking his place in the padawan's bed and giving Obi-Wan the fucking of his life. He couldn't decide which part of the fantasy was more satisfying, the murder part or the sex part.
Jealous? his apprentice taunted. Ha! He wasn't jealous! He was just mad that Obi-Wan was getting so much more than he was. Yeah! That was it. He ignored the cat's snort of derision.
7pm. "Oh... oh... oh... oh, Qui-Gon!" Maul slapped his forehead, impaling his hand on a horn. Didn't those two ever stop? He decided to go to the Gray Side of the Force and pick someone up or something. Argh.
8am. Maul heard the usual loud moaning coming from next door.
Mary Sue giggled next to him, and started bouncing up and down on the bed. "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" she said.
"I already tried that. It doesn't work," Maul said glumly.
"We could try to make more noise than them and drown them out," Mary Sue suggested. Maul was overcome with... something.
"Will you move in with me?" he asked.
Mary Sue burst out laughing. "If I were completely destitute, I would live in my car before I lived in this bantha sty!"
8am. Maul heard moaning next door. Argh! He staggered to the kitchen and pulled out a container of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby. No, it was too disgusting. He couldn't eat while Qui-Gon was moaning like that. He put the ice cream back in the freezer.
"Oh... oh... oh... oh..." Obi-Wan moaned.
"Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" Qui-Gon grunted.
Maul couldn't stand it any more. He went back into his bedroom, and beat his head completely through the wall, emerging right above the headboard.
Obi-Wan was lying on his back, legs bent and splayed wide, with Qui-Gon on top of him and his fingers twined in the aging hippy's long hair. A pipe, a lighter, and a baggie of grass lay on the nightstand, and the room smelled faintly of pot.
By Maya the Mad Mambolica. Click to see larger image.
"Do you MIND???" Maul snarled.
"Do you?" Qui-Gon retorted.
"Some of us are trying to get some sleep!" Maul frothed.
"Get a job!" Qui-Gon snapped.
"The least you could do is turn on the stereo to drown out your noise!" Maul groused.
"The noise means I'm doing it right," Qui-Gon said snidely. "Why don't you stick around and see how it's done?"
Maul felt his hatred for the old hippy become complete. Qui-Gon had to die. He grabbed his lightsaber, stomped next door, and kicked in Kenobi's front door. Igniting his lightsaber, he marched towards the bedroom with the intention of murder.
Qui-Gon appeared in the bedroom doorway, naked, with his own lightsaber. "Tattooed freak!" Qui-Gon snarled.
"Aging hippy!" Maul growled. Their lightsabers met in the middle of the room.
"Nice undies," Qui-Gon sneered.
"I LIKE the Tazmanian Devil," Maul retorted. He kicked the old hippy in the head. Obi-Wan quickly interposed his body between his two boyfriends, lower lip trembling. "MOVE!" Maul snarled.
"Please don't hurt each other," Obi-Wan begged with a truly pitiful sniffle. Maul snarled and frothed. The padawan's lower lip started trembling harder. Maul lowered his lightsaber slightly with a snort of derision.
"I can handle this, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, somewhat unsteady. Maul realized the hippy freak must really be stoned.
"I know," Obi-Wan said. "I'm asking you not to." He turned, and nailed Qui-Gon with his most lethal puppy-dog eyes. After a moment's hesitation, Qui-Gon switched off his lightsaber and tossed it aside.
Obi-Wan turned back to Maul, lower lip trembling, big puppy eyes begging. Maul snarled, switched off his lightsaber, and started for the door.
"Thanks, Maul," Obi-Wan said. Maul turned, and saw that glaring hippy wrap possessive arms around the lovely padawan. He rolled his eyes and turned back for the door. "You're the best neighbor a guy ever had..."
Maul stomped back into his apartment, where he could hear Qui-Gon finishing the morning's tryst. He grabbed his cellphone and stomped out to the balcony.
"Yes, I'd like to make an anonymous tip," Maul told the police. "I know a certain Jedi Master, already on probation for fraudulent use of the Jedi Mind Trick, who is carrying controlled substances on his person... You should send a Toydarian to arrest Qui-Gon Jinn. I hear him leaving the apartment of his padawan right now..."
8am. Coruscant main courts. The judge said, "Qui-Gon Jinn, I find you guilty of possession of controlled substances and parole violation, and sentence you to thirty days in the Jedi Happy Farm for rehabilitation."
"NoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" Obi-Wan wailed.
"Silence!" the judge snapped, with a bang of the gavel. "Case closed."
"I love you, Qui-Gon!" the padawan sobbed as they dragged the convicted Jedi Master away. "I'll miss you! I promise I'll visit you!" He collapsed, weeping, into the arms of his sister.
8am. Maul was awakened by the soft sounds of sobbing, coming from the hole in the wall leading to Kenobi's place. The sounds were muffled, and Maul looked through the hole and saw Obi-Wan sobbing into his pillow. "Did I wake you?" he sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"Wanna fuck?" Maul asked.
"You're so sweet to want to comfort me," Obi-Wan sniveled. "It's so lonely, waking up without him. I keep thinking about his big gentle hands, and the way his hair feels..."
"I'll make you feel better," Maul growled. Obi-Wan handed Maul one of the keys to the new front door his sister had had installed, then curled up in the fetal position around a pillow and sobbed melodramatically. Maul looked at the key, grinned evilly, and went next door to claim his revenge.
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