Sith Academy: Darth Maul vs. the Teletubbies
by Matt Blouir
Darth Maul sat in front of his television watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion when the picture became fuzzy and he heard a grinding coming from his VCR.
"THE TAPE!" Maul exclaimed as he rushed towards his VCR in a desperate attempt to save his beloved movie.
Maul rapidly pressed the "eject" button in a vain attempt to rescue the videocassette, but when the tape emerged it was nothing more than a tangled mess of ribbons. Maul sat there devastated by the horrendous event that had just taken place. Maul began to feel his hatred swell within him like never before, and with all his anger he drew his lightsaber and slashed the infernal contraption into pieces.
"Damn," Maul thought, "it is only noon and now I will be forced to endure the mindless dribble that is daytime television." Since Maul didn't have cable he was only able to receive a few stations, and PBS had the best reception.
Just then Sidious entered Maul's apartment to see him fidgeting with his antenna attempting to alleviate the static.
"I felt a disturbance in the force," Sidious said. "What is troubling you my young apprentice?"
"The VCR ate my tape," Maul responded through clenched teeth.
"It is about time that you have been relieved of that tape, and now you can do something productive with your time."
Suddenly a picture flashed on the screen, and four oddly shaped creatures appeared. Maul recoiled in disgust.
"What are they master?" Maul asked Sidious.
"They are the most vile creatures in the galaxy. They are called Teletubbies."
"Are they more vile than the Jedi?" inquired Maul.
No response came from Sidious. He seemed almost entranced by the screen as the large purple Teletubby appeared. Maul switched the television off, unable to stand it any longer.
"Hey!" exclaimed Sidious as the screen went blank. "My apprentice I have a new test of your Sithly skills."
"What is it my master?" Maul gulped.
"You will be a guest on the Teletubbies tomorrow morning."
Maul's jaw dropped in utter disgust. "Never," Maul shouted, "I will never be subjected to that low a form of entertainment." Maul felt his throat pinching as he received an evil glare from his master.
"You will obey me my apprentice, or else I shall find myself a new pupil to destroy you."
"Yes my Master," Maul sighed.
"We will leave for the television studio immediately," Sidious said as if he was in some sort of hurry to get there.
The next morning they arrived at the gates of the studio, and Maul couldn't help but notice that Sidious was strangely excited.
The security guard stopped them at the gate. "Who are you?" the guard asked as he wiped the powdered sugar from his face.
"I am Darth Maul apprentice of the Sith, and possessor of the Dark Side of the Force. My master has decided that I be a guest on the Teletubbies to prove my worth as a Sith Apprentice.
"Do you have an appointment?"
"I need no appointment," Maul said as he waved his hand.
"You don't need an appointment, just go on in. The Teletubbies film in studio 17-B."
Maul drove his speeder around the lot until they came to studio 17-B. Maul reluctantly entered the studio with an excited Sidious stepping on his heels.
"Hey!" came a squeaky voice from across the room.
Maul looked to see Obi-Wan rushing toward him clutching a miniature version of the green Teletubby.
"You guys got backstage passes too!" The young Padawan exclaimed. "This is my talking Dipsy Doll," he said shoving the toy in Maul's face.
Maul shuddered, "No you pathetic twit we are here to be guests on the show."
"Wow, how exciting. I wish I could be a guest on the show, but master Qui-Gon doesn't like me getting too close to that purple one. He is a little overprotective."
Maul felt his hatred swelling within him as he used the Sith Chokehold to crush the dolls voice box, putting an end to that irritating sound.
Maul left a sobbing Obi-Wan to go find the producer. He found a woman sitting in a chair with headphones and a clipboard. Maul decided she must be the producer.
"I am Darth Maul: a Sith Apprentice and possessor of the Dark Side of the Force, and I wish to be a guest on this show today," Maul stated.
The woman looked up at him and said, "Sir, we really don't have guests on the show. Besides I think you would be a little too scary for the children that watch this program.
"I am a Sith I am supposed to be scary. I will be on this show today," Maul said with the wave of his hand.
"Yes we will be able to have you on the show today," the producer responded with a blank expression. "Let me introduce you to the Teletubbies.
She led Maul to a room where three oddly shaped creatures were sitting. "Mr. Maul meet Po, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa. You will be working with them today."
Maul looked about the room wondering if becoming a Sith would be worth this agony. The woman then led Maul to the room next door.
"This is your dressing room Mr. Maul. You have ten minutes until we air so you can wait here while I go find Tinky Winky.
Maul closed the door, and took off his jeans and his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" T-shirt. He proceeded to change into his black robes. After he had changed, Maul stepped outside, but oddly found no trace of Sidious. He went to find the producer who was running around frantically.
"Have you seem my master, Darth Sidious?" Maul asked the flustered woman.
"I don't know," she snapped, "I have a bigger problem right now. It appears that Tinky Winky has disappeared, and we go on in two minutes. We will have to bring out his replacement."
Just then Maul felt a tugging at his robe. He looked down to see a small green figure.
"Yoda, my name is. Fill in for Tinky Winky I will."
Maul felt his hatred beginning to overflow.
"Places people," The producer yelled. We are on in five..... four..... three... two............"
"Welcome to Tubbyland boys and girls. Today we have a special guest and his name is Darth Maul," said Laa-Laa.
Maul growled and began fingering his lightsaber.
"We should welcome our friend Mr. Maul," said Po.
"Big hugs.....Big hugs.......Big hugs," they all began dancing and chanting.
It was more than Maul could bear. He finally snapped when he saw the four creatures running at him with opened arms. Maul grabbed Dipsy and drop kicked him halfway across the stage. Maul was done fooling around, he ignited his lightsaber, and began destroying everything in sight. He dispensed his fury by slashing Laa-Laa, and leaving the two smoldering halves to fill the room with the pungent stench of burnt fur.
"Why you give Laa-Laa an ouchy?" inquired Po. "We love you Mr. Maul."
"Aaaaaaaaaaggghhhhh," Maul let out a Sithly roar as he charged the confused red creature.
Po turned and began to waddle away in terror. Maul performed a spectacular backflip, and landed directly in front of Po, cutting off his only means of escape.
"But Mr. Maul I lov.........," Po was unable to finish his plea before Maul shredded him into charred, red carpeting.
"I really like this shade of red," Maul thought as he looked at what remained of Po. The charred, black edges definitely give it Sithly qualities. I could use this to reupholster those worn spots on my couch."
As Maul tucked pieces of the burnt, red fur under his robe he noticed Yoda seeking refuge in a dressing room.
"I have the Jedi cornered, now for a real test of my skills," thought Maul. "But wait what's that."
Maul caught a flash of green out of the corner of his eye.
By The Little Inferno. Click to see larger image.
"Oh no you don't," Maul yelled as he noticed Dipsy trying to make his escape. "Get back here."
"The Jedi will have to wait for another day," Maul decided.
"bye-bye.........bye-bye......bye-bye," yelled Dipsy as he ran dodging Maul's lightsaber.
Maul chased Dipsy all over the studio slashing cameras, props, people, and anything else that got in the way. "The force is strong with this one," Maul thought, "he is very skilled and elusive." Finally he cornered the creature.
"Uh-oh," said Dipsy as Maul impaled him on his lightsaber.
Maul stood there panting surveying the destruction, as a grin appeared on his face. Then from a distance Maul heard sobbing. He walked to the door of the studio and into the back alley. There sat Obi-Wan curled up crying.
"What are you doing?" Maul asked in disgust.
"Tinky Winky said he had found someone new and was leaving."
"Well if it is any consolation you can have this," Maul said as he dropped Dipsy's head at the young Padawan's feet.
Obi-Wan let out a girlish scream, "No not Dipsy. I had trained him so well, and he was to be my Padawan learner."
Maul walked to his speeder as his toothy grin grew. His master would be pleased with his work.
Maul returned home to find a letter and a gift in his apartment. The letter was from Sidious and it said:
My young apprentice I am very proud of your fine work today. Take this copy of Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion as a reward. As for me I will be taking some time off. Tinky Winky and I have decided that the Caribbean Islands of Naboo are nice this time of year. I will return in a week. Don't forget to feed My Apprentice.
Maul had just popped in the tape and sprawled out on the couch when My Apprentice sat in front of him clawing at a small green doll.
"You have learned well My Apprentice," Maul said, and as he heard Obi-Wan's cries of distress from next door, Maul couldn't help but laugh.
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