Maul's Nightly Stroll
by Darth Tan-je the Neverhoodian
[Read Darth Tan-je's author bio]
Disclaimer: Come on, George, we're only having a little fun here! A lot of thanks to Siubhan for the inspirational site...and her mightily cool suggestions to make my story presentable to the public! Woohoo!
Kicking the nearly shredded sheets off his already messy bed, Maul groggily sat up on the edge of the mattress and peered at the clock hanging crookedly on the wall. He didn't seem to notice the strange smell that was emanating from under his bed, although, nothing smelly seemed to bother the Sithly senses.
"Ah, a late Saturday morning. A perfect day to destroy mindless spawn of the Light Side and wreak havoc on the world as we know it," he said with some satisfaction as he stood and stretched. My Apprentice, who had taken up the morning task of clawing the sheets, looked up with mild interest.
You mean you're actually going to go out and slay some unsuspecting Jedi? She sent him the mental message as she paused her clawing spree.
Maul looked at the cat amusedly and laughed as he pulled on his Sith Lords Kick Ass shirt, which was in almost a sad of shape as the sheets were. In some sections it was threadbare and on the shoulders there were ragged claw marks. He loved that shirt and wouldn't toss it until it was unreadable or it disintegrated into lint. But at least it didn't smell...yet.
"Of course not. I've got the next level of Jedi RoadKill to beat, My Apprentice. Why the hell would I waste such a perfectly good day on real people?" The Sithly feline sighed and finished her clawing exercises in order to lick her butt. Unnoticing, Maul tore through the closet, looking for his favorite black jeans. My Apprentice looked up from her rear and ducked as three shirts were flung from the abyss. Four scuffed black boots that seemed to have occupants already living in them followed, and a pink feather boa that she was sure Sidious had planted in there just to make Maul mad was pitched out last with a flurry of pink feathers. After a lot of grunting and cursing, he decided that the jeans didn't seem to be there. Not under the bed, either. Maybe he had accidentally left them in the laundromat's dyer...or Obi-Wan's apartment. Grimacing with anger, he crammed himself into a pair of jeans that were two sizes too small and at least three years old.
"Oh these pants are really sexy!" he growled sarcastically, and winced as the pulled the zipper up. The button merely laughed as he tried in vain to snap it shut. Then he stepped in a soggy pizza box...although he couldn't remember having bought pizza recently. He stubbed his toe on the doorjamb as he tripped over the boots that were strewn haphazardly all over the room. The day was not starting off well, that was for sure. Maul left his bedroom cursing vehemently in three different languages, tugged at the rather tight crotch of the jeans and ambled into the kitchen, amber eyes squinting in the harsh sunlight blazing through the window.
"I need some food," he mumbled, opening the first cabinet door and pausing. My Apprentice couldn't hear anything going on out there and decided to investigate. Suddenly cabinet doors were slamming shut with increasing intensity as Maul went down the line.
"Where are my Pops?!? I know I just took a box from Obi-Wan's kitchen a few days ago..." There was a suspiciously empty bowl and a coffee mug in the sink that he didn't remember putting there, but he hadn't the time to contemplate their existence now. My Apprentice waltzed in the kitchen at that moment, flicked her tail, and yowled at the top of her lungs.
"Yes, that'll do. I want a bowl of milk too. And some tuna..." Maul shook his head violently and scowled down at the cat, which was staring at him expectantly with one paw innocently raised in the air.
"Piss off, I haven't got any tuna." She spat and nudged his legs with her head, plastering more cat hair on the jeans. Finally beginning to wake up, he tugged on the refrigerator door and gasped in horror. There was NO milk. How could he begin the day without any MILK??? My Apprentice pushed her head through his ankles and stared disapprovingly into the fridge. "What the hell is going on here?" Maul muttered under his breath, slamming the door shut.
"Damn it. Okay. I'll just have coffee without milk then." Opening another cabinet, he swiped his hand back and forth inside. Three cans of soup, an old Sketcher (how did that get in there?) and some other miscellaneous boxes of food. Shoving his whole head in the cabinet, gouging trenches in the top shelf with his horns in the process, he felt his already burning temper rise another hundred degrees.
"How is this possible? I know I had a little bit of coffee left. Who the hell took it?" he sputtered as he nearly tore the cabinet door off its hinges. He looked at the mug in the sink again. His brain hurt. Standing in the middle of his kitchen looking forlornly at his feet, he almost felt a bout of PMS about to launch an attack on him.
"OKAY. I can handle this. I'll just eat some ice cream. It's now the official breakfast of champions." The Sith Handbook fluttered off the bookshelf across the room, protesting angrily.
"Shaddup," he hissed, pointing a sharp finger at the book. Trembling at this sudden burst of intense anger, it snapped its covers closed quickly and jumped back up on its shelf between the PlayStation magazines.
Note to me, the handbook scribbled, No breakfast equals bitchy Sith. However, just as luck would have it, there wasn't any ice cream either. Flopping down on his squeaky couch, Maul felt a painful tightening in his crotch.
"Damn pants." Where the hell were his jeans? That was really irking him right about now. Considering the option of just going around in old sweatpants, however embarrassing that may seem, Maul switched on the PlayStation with a small wave of his hand, anticipating a day of watching countless numbers of Jedi crumple to the floor at his hand.
"If I can't have breakfast or coffee or real pants then I'll just sit here and play my game." The screen flickered with the opening title and Maul tightened his grip on the controller. "What the..." his jaw fell some four feet to the grungy carpet as he saw the saved game open.
"THIS ISN'T MY GAME!" he howled, throwing the controller down. Calling his weapon of mass destruction into his hand, Maul went on a rampage to release his anger on every appliance that got in his way.
"GODDAMMIT BITCH WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON - RRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR - WHY ISN'T ANYTHING GOING RIGHT TODAY!!!" My Apprentice stopped fishing small, evolving creatures out of the cracks between the couch cushions long enough to glance up at her enraged Master. He was ranting and raving around the room, knocking into what little furniture he had and dicing whatever came in his way with his lightsaber. Half expecting to see flame erupt from his ears, she cowered on the couch cushion for a moment to decide on a course of action. Seeing he was too insane to watch what he was cutting into small, indecipherable pieces, My Apprentice's feral instincts kicked in and she darted behind the TV set to seek protection. The primal creatures in the Pizza the Hutt box quivered and pulled the lid down farther, whispering to themselves. It was time to do something about their vulnerability, but since they lacked complex brains the going was rough. However, some of the smarter ones were already devising a plan, and it was only a matter of time until they had a revolt...
"All I wanted to do was have a day to MYSELF, doing nothing but sitting around, eating Pops, drinking my damn coffee, wearing LOOSE pants, and kicking electronic JEDI ASS, and I can't even #@$%^&@*^ do that!" The enraged shrieks could probably be heard down on the first floor, but that was Maul's last concern at the moment. When mostly everything was gouged at least once, smoking in a pitiful heap on the floor, or split in half, Maul finally threw the lightsaber down on the battered coffee table and fell onto the largest half of the couch, wiping the froth from his lips.
Just as he was calming down and coming to his senses, the front door flung open and in strolled Sidious, wearing his traditional black robe that didn't do much to hide a hideously bright and very revealing spandex suit. Gagging and staring at the floor, Maul didn't even bother to mention that he was going to have to buy yet another lock for his door. Sidious always entered as he pleased.
"My slovenly apprentice, I see you've decided to get physical early this morning," the elder Sith stated, calmly surveying the chaos, finishing with an appreciative glance at Maul's too tight pants.
"Just redecorating, Master," Maul mumbled, scratching his horns and staring wearily at the PlayStation. Sidious followed his gaze and sighed.
"Having problems with your infernal gaming device, are we?" he chuckled, gesturing to the beaten box lying sideways on the floor.
"I tried to load my saved game and it was a whole level ahead. I didn't do that level yet. What started off as a piss-poor day is now totally @#^&$! up." Sidious waved his apprentice's problems off with his hand and cleared his throat, signaling that he was going to announce something. Maul felt a headache forming already.
"I have an idea, Maul, and I'm going to use you as my soundboard. Listen to this. What do you think of having a specific day called Palpatine Party day?" Maul groaned and hunched over despite the protesting pants, which were now digging into his stomach. The zipper popped in several places, too.
"Palpatine Party Day? I think you've lost whatever mind you had, Master," he managed to say before rallying himself up for the plan, which was sure to involve him somehow in some perverted way. It always did.
"No, really. The name needs a little work, of course, but that is where you come in. A lot of other people have days dedicated to themselves," he argued, beginning to tick people off on his fingers.
"For instance, what is it with these holidays? Valentines Day? St. Patrick's Day? Why should they get all the fun?"
"Those people are dead."
"That's no excuse. I need some more recognition. A vote for Pal-"
"I know, I know! You know what? You really do resemble a woman when you stand with your hands on your hips that way," Maul offered, his eyes heavy with boredom as he yawned.
"That's not the point...wait, do I really? Ah, I mean...I think my day should be one that requires the citizens to go out and do something. We could earn a lot of money with a petty celebration, you know. Maul, are you getting this? Write this down or something. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I could have an amusement park in my name. With unreasonable prices, shoddy rides, poor entertainment, and below standard crews, we could live up to the rest of our establishments. Of course, with half the population already brainwashed, it shouldn't be too hard to get their consent for my park, wouldn't you agree? Maul? Are you listening? We could play it up if you create a website for me and make billboard messages. Maul?" Sidious stopped and looked at the younger Sith, who had clearly tuned out long ago. He was watching his cat chew on a recently upturned pile of catnip. This was her fifth hit this morning. Wouldn't be long now before she was doing back-flips down the hallway and meowing drunkenly on the roof.
"Too bad I can't get a high like that," Maul mumbled in his palm as My Apprentice stopped chewing and began to do her own rendition of the Electric Slide, complete with clapping paws. A sharp slap between the horns jerked him back to reality.
"Another thing, Maul, so pay attention. I was also thinking of making up a special day dedicated to cookies." Sidious stood proudly with a grin plastered on his face.
Maul lifted an eyebrow. Or the jagged black streak that served as an eyebrow, anyway. "Cookies. A day dedicated to cookies."
"Yes, we could celebrate the invention of cookies. Cookies are one of the basic ingredients to a healthy diet, you know. I think we should have an event where we sample every kind of cookie ever made. It would be a great turnout, I think. I could host it and you could write up a great promotion for it. Just think of all the votes I'll get. I don't know anyone who doesn't like cookies. We could hold it on the hottest day of the year and make them wait in ridiculously long lines where they would have to pay big bucks for cheap lemonade. Can you imagine all the people we'll turn to the Dark Side?" Sidious smiled in spite of himself, nodding at his own brilliance, as his pupil sat in weary stupidity.
"Mkay." Not impressed, Maul yawned again as he sank lower in the couch, the pants riding up another few inches. This wasn't really interesting him right now. Normally he paid just a bit more attention to his Master when it dealt with turning other people to the Dark Side, but the loss of his favorite pair of jeans was really starting to bother him. He wanted to know what the hell happened to his milk and his coffee and his...
"Well, then, I expect you to start making plans and outlines for my special days really soon. Ooh, what day do you think I should have it on?" he said expectantly. "I was thinking maybe my birthday or some other very important event."
What the hell kind of drugs did you get into last night? Maul wondered to himself as Sidious continued to nod his head.
"Sure. Sounds like a plan to me," was the reply.
Tell me it's a joke, he thought bitterly. Surely this was to hone his anger. There could be no other reason for this newest level of idiocy. Then again, the man was getting old and insanity was sure to be the next thing on the list. Oh well, life, however fudged up it was, continued.
"Alright then, I shall visit in a few days to see your progress. In the meantime, I must go change to visit Qui-Gon. He needs my opinion on...his wallpaper...for his...bedroom." Glaring at his snickering apprentice, Sidious gathered his robes up and left in a whirl of black.
"Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" he called viciously. Luckily, the elder Sith was too involved in devising his Party Days to hear him.
Sighing, Maul stood up and decided that he had to go shopping for some more jeans. This pair wasn't going to cut it. Flinging his cloak on his back, he grabbed Qui-Gon's credit card that he had stolen (again) and after repeated attempts to stuff it in his flattened pocket, he slipped it into his boot. Opening the door to leave, he turned to My Apprentice to tell her not to shred anything while he was gone. And stopped to stare in utter amazement.
She was twirling in circles on her toes, yowling an old KoRn song. She was also wearing a pair of Maul's boxers on her furry behind and a lampshade on her head. YOU WANTED ME TO BE, SOMETHING I COULD NEVER EVER BE! YOU WANTED ME TO BE, SOMETHING I COULD NEVER EVER BEEEEEE! DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE! DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE! DEAD BODIES EVERYWHHEEEERRRRREEEEE!!!!! Maul sighed. He picked up the ravaged catnip and tossed it over the railing of the hallway.
"No more of that shit for you," he lectured as she bonked into the couch and pirouetted across the room into the litter box. Kitty litter was tossed in every direction as she moshed inside the box. Shaking his head, he turned on his heel and left.
An hour later, Maul strolled into his apartment carrying a maxed credit card and bags of new clothes. Not to mention the latest Lingerie Edition Tomb Raider for his PlayStation. Personally he didn't see how this would be any different from the Swimsuit Edition, but if he was going to collect all of the games he was going to have to do this right. My Apprentice waltzed into the room, the boxers and lampshade lying in a pitiful heap in the litter box, which, quite assuredly, contained no more litter. It was now all over the carpet.
"Get tired of acting like a git?" he asked as she scowled at the mess in and around the box.
Just got a little excited, that's all, she hissed, and leapt to the couch to see what goodies Maul had brought home. Maul held up the new pair of black jeans and immediately changed.
"You know, I still want to know what happened to my other jeans," he groused, holding the old jeans with two fingers and he walked out to his balcony. "I'm going to give these things to Obi-Wan. He might actually enjoy them," he cracked as he opened the sliding door. Suddenly he was faced with a rather interesting site. Dropping the pants as well as his mouth, he stared at the thing hanging on the balcony railing. For the second time today, Maul's blood pressure was climbing to a critical level.
"What the $%#^." His jeans were now found. However, they had ceased to be jeans. They were now transformed into something horrid that even his prick of a Master might find terrifying. Surely Obi-Wan had done this. There wasn't any other explanation. His beloved jeans had been mutilated and violated. They had been put to shame. A brand new hoard of puffy pink flowers had been planted in them, while long tendrils of vines had curled down the legs and spouted thorns here and there. The belt loops were intertwined with bright green vines and there were even some flowers peeking out of the pockets.
"What - the - *#$@%*!" he cried, letting the rage that had threatened to overflow do so. He tore the plant from the balcony, dodged its stabbing thorns, and let the entire mess drop over the side. Sailing over the lot below, the disgraced jeans and the occupants landed in a crumpled heap on top of Obi-Wan's car. Good. Maybe he'd find his car overgrown with vines and thorns by tomorrow. Wiping his hands on his new jeans, he shuddered as the image of his murdered jeans stuck in his mind. Jumping the balcony divider, he pounded on the sliding glass door and hollered for the Jedi to come out here and explain himself.
"GET OUT HERE NOW YOU LITTLE SADISTIC BASTARD!" He wiped the froth off the door so he could peer in. Suddenly the Jedi appeared, munching on a sandwich as he unlocked the door and gave Maul a harsh look. He was wearing khaki shorts and a muscle shirt, which did nothing to hone Maul's anger.
"What is your major malfunction today, Maul?" he asked as he took another bite. Staring at the enticing chicken salad sandwich and realizing his stomach was churning with hunger, Maul nearly forgot what his business was.
"Um...Hey you little shit, why did you do that to my sacred jeans? You want to send me a gift or something, make it something tuned to my tastes, like a naked picture of Darth Lara Croft or a Fear Factory CD!" he rambled, clenching his fists and feeling his face turn crimson with anger. Obi-Wan lifted an eyebrow and swallowed. Maul gritted his teeth and waited impatiently for an answer.
"I don't have the slightest clue as to what you are talking about, Maul. I didn't send you anything. What jeans? The black ones you always wear?" The Jedi peered down at Maul's pants and looked them up and down before answering. "They look alright to me, so why are you acting like you've got a lightsaber up your ass?"
Maul's brain really hurt now. All this thinking couldn't possibly be good for his intelligence.
"Why won't you just admit that you took my jeans and made a freakin' flower pot of out it for a sickeningly pink flowered plant that engulfed them in thorny vines?" Obi-Wan flinched as spit landed on his cheek.
"Because I didn't do it and I don't know what the hell you are talking about. Now if you will excuse me I have to go to the gym to work out." He looked down at his flat stomach. "I have to lose these extra few pounds; it's really starting to show. And I'm afraid my muscles aren't as big as they once were." Maul glared at his neighbor's washboard stomach and growled.
"What the HELL are you SMOKING? What extra poundage? Stop trying to change the subject and just tell me why you #$&*%$ up my jeans!" Maul griped as Obi-Wan finished the sandwich, sucking his fingers clean of mayonnaise.
"Maul, go dunk your head or something; you're really starting to scare me. When you've got something more interesting to talk about, I'm here for you. Later!" he patted Maul on the shoulder and walked back into his apartment, flipping his braid casually over his shoulder and bending over to pick up a gym bag. Feeling like a bastard himself, Maul exhaled sharply and leapt back over the divider to his balcony, deciding he needed a Hamster Death Gulp and fast.
Chugging the drink down, he lounged on his couch amid his new clothes and stared at his cat.
"Lets get all the clues straight here. The git next door said he didn't do it. I know Sidious didn't do it; he won't touch my jeans because they usually smell to high heaven. Darth Mary Sue is on vacation and that hippie freak Qui-Gon would rather dice me into fifty million pieces than pull a stunt like this. You didn't do it, right?" he asked with a sideways glance, and My Apprentice stared up at him through half-closed eyes.
Oh sure. I just love to put deadly plants in jeans and hang them on the balcony, she chided, and bent to clean her fore legs. Maul held the cold drink to his forehead and shut his eyes.
"Missing milk. Missing cereal. No ice cream or coffee. New level on my game. Severely messed up jeans. I don't know. I don't care anymore," he growled to himself, and decided to play some of his new game.
"I'll just stay up tonight to see who the hell is doing all of this. Then I'll dice his ass," he resolved, clutching the console in his hands tightly. He didn't notice the primal creatures had rigged up a system from the pizza box to the computer. Wires snaked from the back of the computer and into the pizza box. They had already downloaded some information and had started to build their very own pipe bomb...
The afternoon drifted by and soon Maul realized it was time to find a stake out. Licking his fingers free of tomato sauce, he tossed the plate into the sink and put the leftover spaghetti in his fridge after checking to make sure there were no primitive life forms hibernating inside. He could remember countless times he had made a masterpiece of a meal and then lost it to the creatures in the fridge. He also made a mental note to make something high in cholesterol to feed to his Master. That heart attack was due any day now. All right, time to get started. Clutching his lightsaber in his fist, Maul scanned the living room. He would have to be right in here to see the intruder. Anxious to kill someone, Maul decided to sit in the closet across from the front door, leaving it cracked just wide enough to see out. My Apprentice was curled up on the couch, watching him with a curious glint in her eye. He sat with his legs crossed between the never-used-before broom and pile of black boots.
"Let the games begin," he muttered, laying the lightsaber in his lap.
Three hours later, it was pitch dark outside the closet door. Guessing it to be past midnight, Maul tried to get comfortable. He couldn't feel his ass or his legs from sitting in one position for so long. His neck and shoulders burned from slouching over. He had a huge headache from straining to see in the dark. And every little sound sent him reeling. He scratched his chest and yawned.
"What a dumb idea. Screwy shit. I can't believe I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen." Muttering to himself, he sat back against the wall and tried to calm his pounding headache.
Suddenly, a bright light was shining through the crack in the closet door and My Apprentice was biting his toes.
"What the hell?" he managed to say as he sat up, kicked the door open and sent My Apprentice rolling. She hissed angrily and swiped the air with sharp claws.
You fell asleep, didn't you? It's now morning and you didn't see a damn thing! You don't know what the hell happened, do you? she reprimanded mentally. He sneered at her and growled a reply.
"So what if I did fall asleep? Nothing happened anyway." She shook her head and smiled in the way only a cat can.
Are you sure? she purred lovingly, walking into the living room. Slowly leaning his head out of the closet, he looked from one corner of the room to the next, his mouth gaping in confusion. His TV had been pulled out of the set and a fish tank now resided in place of the screen. Bright tropical fish swam back and forth behind the plate of glass as My Apprentice followed their every move, licking her chops in anticipation. There were thick strands of garland hung around the room along the ceiling, and a small black marble statue of a Tauntaun adorned his window sill. The leftover spaghetti was sitting in a bowl, partially eaten, next to it. Maul's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.
"What the #$%@ happened?" he howled, pointing to the cat accusingly. She licked her paw and smoothed her fur calmly.
How should I know? I was asleep. The mental message infuriated the already confused Sith, and he snatched the lightsaber from off the closet floor, ignited it, and tore after her. Sprinting behind the computer desk, My Apprentice purred to herself, which sounded strangely like a chuckle.
"Damn you, cat, you had better tell me what you saw. I know SOMEONE did this, so get your furry little ass out here NOW!" he shrieked, ready to overturn the desk. Suddenly the front door opened, and Sidious filled the doorway, dressed as Palpatine. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he contemplated the scene. Maul was poised over the desk, lightsaber held over his head, while the cat cowered under the tangle of wires.
"Maul, would you like to tell me just what exercise this is?" he chuckled, folding his arms. Maul clutched his lightsaber tightly in his fist as jumped off the desk to greet his greatly amused Master. My Apprentice took this opportunity to dodge between his legs and out the front door. Better to stay out here until she could Mind Whammy him back into feeding her instead of murdering her.
"I fell asleep, Master, while I was trying to catch the intruder," Maul sulked, flinging the weapon to the floor and inspecting the remains of last night's renovations. He proceeded to tell his Master about the jeans, the discussion with Obi-Wan, and a sorry-sounding story about the newest decorations that littered his apartment.
"Perhaps you need someone to stay up with you. Then you could take turns watching for this...well...interesting intruder you've got on your hands. This is quite a display, Maul, really," Sidious complimented, eyeing the fish tank TV and the garland with some sort of satisfaction. He also scanned the pizza box and frowned. There was a multitude of wires protruding from the cardboard box and a small row of antennas was slowly turning on the lid. He decided not to mention it to Maul, as his apprentice looked ready to snap. Maul felt his heart shudder in his chest at his Master's suggestion as he stepped back onto a particularly sharp cat toy.
"No #$@%^$# way," he snapped as he kicked the toy under the half-couch. Sighing, Sidious looked at the floor somberly, knowing the Sith Handbook was jigging on the bookshelf as it tried to find the page that stated Sith were forbidden to get involved with other Sith.
"Okay. Damn. Well, you could get...Obi-Wan...to do it. I'm sure he would leap at the chance."
Maul tossed up his hands and cursed. "I told you, he just wants to..." he started, and Sidious silenced him with a small but effective Glare. The older Sith, unfortunately, still had the upper hand in the Glare department.
"You will bring Obi-Wan over tonight so you may find out who is entering your apartment, understood?" Maul blinked at the powerful Mind Whammy.
"Of course. He can help me."
Rubbing his hands together viciously, the older Sith turned to walk out the door. "I'm off to corrupt the government even more, my apprentice. I shall see you tomorrow, then. You had better have something to show me on the National Cookie Day. And have some plans drawn up for the amusement park. Start putting something on my website, will you? Perhaps you could make me dinner too?" As he stepped out the door, My Apprentice slipped around his legs, purring loudly and leaving a trail of fur on his blue robe. He stuck his head back in the doorway as Maul grumbled to himself.
"And feed this cat, Maul, she's hungry." She purred pleasantly as Maul obediently walked into the kitchen to prepare the salmon he had been saving to make for his own dinner.
I am hot shit, she thought to herself as she curled up on the pillow to wait for breakfast.
"You want me to come over, tonight?" a confused but exhilarated voice on the other end of the phone was saying.
"Yes, you ignorant moron! I request your company tonight to catch this intruder. I need you to take turns with me staying up," Maul explained, his short fuse of a temper already burned out. He had spent nearly fifteen minutes explaining to the Jedi Padawan that he was not calling on him to have sex. Although he hadn't taken Perkium in forever, the Jedi hadn't been laid in a while. Pressure like that took only a few days to build into insanity. There was a silence on the phone.
"Well, alright, but you do know it's Sunday night, right?" Maul cringed and tightened his grip on the already cracked phone.
"Look, damn it, I already told you, I am NOT inviting you over for sex. You are coming on an important mission to catch this intruder!" There was a pause and then a sigh.
"Alright. I'll be over in an hour, okay? Don't get bitchy with me, damn it." Maul slapped a hand to his forehead (carefully) and pulled it down his face, exasperated, as the phone buzzed in his ear. Slamming the phone down, Maul looked at his watch. It was nine o'clock now.
"Look, cat, you stay over there on the couch. I'm pissed at you right now. That was my salmon you ate for breakfast, you little fuzz-ball." She gave him a casual glance and continued to wash herself.
You had better watch your attitude. I'll go kick shit out of my litter box again. Scowling, Maul dashed into his bedroom and tossed all the trash under the bed, kicked the covers (as well as the pink feather boa) into the closet, and slammed the bedroom door shut. He was not going to have sex, and that was final. He kept repeating that to himself as he went around and cleaned up his apartment. He kicked the pizza boxes under the fish tank TV, pausing to feed the fish. The pizza box was alive with screams as the creatures inside hurried to fix their now broken pipe bomb, which was on the verge of evolving into a nuclear weapon. Not noticing the screams, he slammed the fish food down on the lid and scowled at the cat. Not only was he going to have to buy a new TV, he was also going to have to clean out their stinky aquarium soon.
"You just want to eat these fish when they're nice and fat. I wouldn't be surprised if you were the one doing all of this, you little sneak! Just wait, we'll see what happens tonight," he hissed at the cat as she watched from the couch. She smiled coyly. He could hardly believe it when he saw that he had swept up the kitchen floor as well. Oh shit. This was going too far. He threw the broom over the balcony; not noticing as it busted someone's windshield some thirty stories below. Having just ten minutes left, Maul sniffed under his arms and his normally red and black striped face turned a sickly greenish color.
"Phew, boy. I guess I'm going to have to take a shower."
Utterly amazed at the transformation of the apartment, My Apprentice strolled around the living room, carefully searching all the crevices. Occasionally she found a few creatures that had fled the pizza box at the last moment and they made for a nice snack. Maul emerged from the bathroom with something hanging out of his mouth. My Apprentice took one look at it and began to howl with cat-laughter.
Woohoo, boy! This must be some date! BRUSHING YOUR SORRY EXCUSE for TEETH!!! Where did you find THAT thing? I didn't know you even HAD a toothbrush! Did you accidentally swallow a bottle of PERKIUM or what??? Maul spat the foam out and watched it sail in an arc to the floor. Unfortunately, it missed the guffawing feline as she leapt to the couch. Tossing the kitchen utensil that passed for a toothbrush into the bathroom sink and trying to spit out the taste of liquid soap, he looked hastily at the clock that hung neatly on the wall. And right on time there was a knock on the door.
"Hi Maul. I brought over some food since I know you'd probably steal it later anyway. Hey, I wanted to ask you, do I look like I've got more muscle?" Obi-Wan flexed his arm. After tearing his eyes from the rippling muscles, Maul snatched the Jedi by the shoulder and dragged him into the apartment.
"Shut up. We are going to sit in that closet over there and watch for the intruder! GOT IT?" he hissed in the Padawan's ear. Obi-Wan peered over Maul's shoulder at the closet and sighed again.
"Quit it with your piss-ass attitude! And you didn't need to toss that damn plant onto my CAR! It's got all these vines growing around the doors! I told you I didn't do that to your jeans! Now I've got to get someone to come and spray it so it'll let my car go!"
Maul gritted his teeth together harshly as he fought back a torrent of not-so-nice words. He didn't want the Jedi bailing out on him tonight. Saving the banter for later, Maul settled for a less abusive comment.
"Well, you deserved it for all the times you send plaster down on my head. Why the hell do you have to knock the headboard so hard with that hippie?" he retorted, grimacing at the very thought. Obi-Wan's face contorted into a dark frown which quickly dissolved into a sneer of disgust.
"I haven't had sex with him in forever, remember?! I'm pissed at him for being a slut!" Maul rolled his eyes and muttered to himself a few choice words. Taking a handful of chips from the bag Obi-Wan clutched in his hands, he walked toward the closet to begin what turned out to be a very long night.
About two hours later, My Apprentice could hear quite a commotion going on in the closet.
"MOVE over, will you?"
"Well stop shoving me and maybe I will!"
"All you ever do is bitch!"
"You just put your elbow in my eye!"
"I SAID, MOVE over!"
"Stop poking my back with your horns! They're really sharp you know!"
"OW! Quit that!"
"Will you shut the hell up? We're never going to hear it if anyone comes in! Besides that, you're supposed to be asleep by now, it's my watch." Maul scowled in the dark and lay against the wall of the closet, shutting his eyes in a futile attempt to sleep. This plan was turning out to be a really dumb idea too. Obi-Wan quietly munched on a cookie as he peered out of the closet. So far, they hadn't seen a damn thing. My Apprentice's eyes glowed an eerie green across the room as she lay awake on the couch. An hour later, things began to get interesting, to say the least.
Obi-Wan watched in silence, trying not to burst out laughing. This was rich. Oh, this was too good to be true. My Apprentice nudged his legs every now and then, purring. Obi-Wan was mad that he didn't bring his camera. There was no way that he was going to let this go to waste...
Suddenly, a bright light was shining through the crack in the closet door and My Apprentice was biting his toes.
"What the hell?" Maul muttered, his neck painfully sore from leaning against the wall.
"Good morning, Maul!" Obi-Wan was saying, a cheerful smile splayed across his face. Staggering from the closet, he stared around the room.
"Well? Did the intruder come in? Why didn't you wake me up? What is going on, damn it?" Maul sputtered, seeing his living room was quite lived in. The computer was on, the PlayStation was paused, and a bottle of beer was laying on its side on the coffee table. The garland was now dotted with flowers. It seemed the garland was a blooming plant as well as a great annoyance. The fish tank had a new addition to it. The black angelfish was twirling circles in the water and a small castle was settled firmly in the red gravel in the corner. Four brand new decorative pillows were arranged carefully on the brand new black leather couch. Each pillow was adorned with words that spelled "Sith Lords Kick Ass". Turning to the Jedi for answers, Maul felt the PMS start to flash in warning.
"You'd better tell me something before I get medieval on your ass," he snarled, reaching for his lightsaber on the coffee table. Obi-Wan smiled.
"Funny you should mention that. I have quite a story for you!" he chuckled, petting My Apprentice knowingly. She purred as he scratched her head. "Just sit down and get ready for this, Maul, you're going to kick yourself."
An hour later, Maul's voracious ego had crumpled down to a pitiful heap.
"So I did this? You mean to tell me that I SLEEPWALK?" he muttered, his head in his hands. Obi-Wan sat next to him, one arm slung around his broad shoulders, staring with compassion at the distraught Sith.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Maul. Lots of people do that. You, on the other hand, just go about life as if you were awake," he said, impressed with the orderly way Maul went about doing things when he was asleep.
"I played the PlayStation? I worked on the computer? I redecorated my freakin apartment? I bought a new fish? I actually did that to my beloved pair of jeans the other night?"
"Yes, you did. Quite amazing, actually, Maul, I didn't know someone could do so much in their sleep." Maul sighed and sat back on the couch, looking around the apartment as if he didn't know where he was.
"So there was never any intruder? I'm not going to catch anyone breaking in? I'm not going to slice and dice anyone's ass? This sucks," he growled, giving his cat an angry stare. She purred and began to flick her tail back and forth innocently.
"Well, you're not going to catch anyone breaking in any time soon, it seems," Obi-Wan said, walking into the kitchen. "I brought coffee...and Pops...from my apartment, so let's have breakfast." Maul picked his head up. Pops! Soon they were sitting around the kitchen table, downing a pot of coffee and the box of cereal.
"So what am I going to do? I can't just go around doing shit in my sleep! What if one night I go and whore myself on the corner of the Grey Club and wake up in a Gungan's bed or something?" Maul complained, trying to catch the last piece of cereal that was swimming around in his bowl. The Jedi turned his head up to the ceiling to think. Suddenly there was a grim voice from behind.
"I have an idea, Maul," Sidious, dressed as Palpatine, quipped. Maul turned sharply, having been startled by his Master's silent entrance. Oh shit. He was in trouble now. "You can get off your ass and get in here to see this." Hanging his head, Maul slowly stood up and peered into the living room. A crew of small creatures had pulled out the pizza box from underneath the fish tank TV, and now the box was levitating above the floor on jets. There was a whirling sound, a puff of smoke, and suddenly the apartment shook with a deafening blast. The door was suddenly reduced to shards of metal and smoking wood, and there was a cheer from the interior of the box. The box started to hum and propel itself forward, through the door, and up into the sky. The three watched in complete astonishment. They had just watched a glorious revolution of primal creatures. Sidious nodded and rubbed his chin.
"Impressive, Maul, not even lowly creatures such as those can stand to live in such conditions. I'm surprised they didn't use that bomb on you first. Not like I'm going to do to your sorry ass in a second if you don't show me something on my National Cookie Day. Where are the blueprints on my amusement park? And have you started cooking my dinner? Damn it, show me something, Maul!" Sidious howled as he began to search the apartment. Maul turned to plead help from the Jedi, but he had already scampered across the balcony to the safety of his apartment, calling that he'd see him later.
He left me here to defend myself! Maul thought to himself as his stomach began to churn. My Apprentice laughed in her cat-chuckle.
Looks to me like you won't have to worry about sleep for a long, long time, Maul! she chided, flicking her tail as Maul tightened his hands into fists. Sidious was fumbling on the computer, sparks of purple beginning to fly from his fingers as he searched the web trying to find his website. Maul felt all his energy drain and he dragged himself into the living room. Yes, his cat was right. Sleep, however problematic it might have been, was nothing compared to the hell he was about to go through!
[Click here to see Darth Tan-je's illustration for the story]
[Credit goes to KoRn for giving My Apprentice her charming lyrics as she danced around Maul's apartment]
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