Darth Maul Goes Skiing
By Sithon Filter
I hope George Lucas and anyone else I've offended can see the lighter side of the Dark Side.
Darth Maul hunched over, furiously scrabbling with the PlayStation controller. He'd finally reached the Missile Silo level of Sithon Filter armed to the teeth with every conceivable weapon and enough flak jackets to outfit an army. The hapless Jedi Council members were cowering in the Command Center. He was just about to smite them with the Sithon Filter virus when the air shimmered with a blue light. A hologram of his master Darth Sidious appeared and the screen suddenly went blank.
Damn! Now I'll have to start all over again. The next time he does that I will surely rise up and slay him!
"Ah, my young apprentice, I see your training is on the back burner again. I have in mind an activity that will not only hone your hatred, but will actually increase your warrior skills."
"Master," said Maul cautiously, "after all my training at the Sith Academy and all the sadistic outings you've taken me on so far, I can't imagine what you've dreamed up now."
Sidious flashed Maul a smirking smile, quietly enjoying his pupil's shiver of fear.
"We shall go skiing," he announced brightly. "The planet Hoth is running some excellent spring break specials."
"Skiing? What manner of activity is that my Master?"
"Pick me up in 15 minutes and you'll see. We leave right away."
"But I don't have anyone to watch My Apprentice!"
"She'll be fine, and your absence will sharpen her hatred as well as her claws." Sidious snickered.
Maul grimaced, knowing Sidious was already accomplishing a two part victory.
The cat deigned to look up at Maul, already planning to have all the shit kicked out of her litter box by the time Maul got back.
Lord Sidious was waiting for Maul, unable to contain his enthusiasm. He was ready to load up his equipment: a dizzying array of parabolic shaped planks, metal spikes, and evil-looking goggles. Maul was bewildered. "Fire up the Infiltrator. We need to get a head start to beat the traffic."
Good, thought Maul. At least I'll be able to jam down the throttle if he's in that much of a hurry to get there.
Several spans later, the Infiltrator emerged from warp space and began to orbit Hoth. Maul wiped the sweat from his brow, relieved to have escaped the wormhole unscathed. Those damned Space Utility Vehicles thought they owned the channel. He'd managed to side swipe a few, happy in the knowledge that they'd be lost in space forever.
The planet below looked cold and menacing. As they drew closer mountains loomed high into the atmosphere.
"Master, the terrain of this planet looks inhospitable. What is this skiing you speak of?
Sidious chuckled madly and wrung his hands.
"Circle low over the mountains and you shall see. The lifts aren't open yet so no one is on the slopes. But the basic idea is to strap the skis onto your feet and slide down the mountain."
Maul felt a sickly fear well up inside him and quickly tried to hide it from his master. What insanity was this? Becoming airborne without benefit of some gravity-defying device?
"Excellent, my young Sith. I sense your fear. Fear will make your hatred more intense. I'll have you on double black diamonds by the end of the day," Sidious laughed wildly.
As they broke through the clouds, Maul noticed some of the slopes hadn't been groomed flat and were covered with large protuberances. A second look almost convinced him his Master's hideous face was grinning at him from the shadows of the moguls.
"Master, many of the trails are not smoothed out. In fact, most seem to be covered with bumps."
Sidious snickered. "Those, my apt pupil, are the slopes you'll be skiing down"
Maul's stomach lurched.
The Infiltrator landed quite a distance from the lifts. Maul realized he'd have to trudge through the snow for half a mile carrying his Master's equipment. Everything was white, white, white. Would he even be able to summon the Dark Force in this place?
"Come along Maul. Step lively now. We don't want to waste an hour down at the base. We want to head over to Mary Jane."
Mary Jane. Well, that must be an easy slope, thought Maul.
Around him, people began to trek from their vehicles to the lifts. They were carrying their skis and poles and clearly not concerned with their surroundings. As Maul struggled along with his Master, a youngster wearing a stupid jester hat that obviously obstructed his vision swiveled around and struck Maul's groin with his ski pole. Maul clenched his teeth and summoned the Force, flinging the kid's equipment in an arc that landed a hundred feet away, almost impaling another skier, and snapping in two as they struck the ground.
"Hey, that's brand new equipment!" yelled the parent.
The seething look Maul gave the World's Greatest Dad convinced him he'd be following his kid's skis if he dared challenge the Sith Lord.
"Never mind. We'll just rent another pair," whimpered World's Greatest Dad.
A stiff wind blew through and Sidious's cloak lifted. Aargh! What was his Master wearing? Sidious strolled on in a skintight black ski bib that strained to contain the double rolls of his waist. His black high-tech boots and billowing robes made for a very queer sight.
A handsome, sun-tanned resort employee walked by and headed to the clinic. Sidious deduced that he must be just starting his shift. "Hmmm," he mumbled to himself. "Perhaps I'll feign an injury after 3 or 4 runs and end up in the clinic with that one..."
"What did you say master?" Maul asked eyeing him suspiciously.
"Never mind." Sidious tried to concentrate on Darth Maul's training, but there were just soooo many distractions. Keith--that was the name on his ID tag. I'll ask for him by name, he thought, deliciously licking his lips. Let's see, what First Aid would he use? Ice packs, massage, some pummeling--it could be well worth it.
Sidious looked over to see the scorching fury in Maul's face as the hordes of skiers continued to jostle past him with their lethal equipment. Maul was still unable to see the point of the exercise and he was beginning to freeze his butt off. His threadbare Sith Lords Kick Ass T-shirt was hardly up to the task of providing warmth in this frozen wasteland. One glance up the mountain confirmed his feeling that this sport was suicidal as he saw the first skiers tearing down the slope. His anger and hatred were approaching volcanic proportions, enough to melt this speck of a planet. Maul thought to himself that perhaps it had been unwise to turn down his twit neighbor Obi-Wan Kenobi's playdate invitation to go skateboarding the week before. The few times Maul had looked out the window and seen him careening by, he couldn't help but notice that when Obi-Wan wiggled his ass and thrust his pelvis, he managed to keep his balance and stay on his skateboard. Learning those moves would have come in handy, even though it would have probably meant another sleep-over at Obi-Wan's apartment.
"Let's get you set up for your lesson," Sidious said hurriedly, sensing Maul's hostility.
They approached the ticket window and Sidious went first.
"Here's your free lift ticket sir," said the smiling young man. Enjoy your day."
"Thank you young man," chuckled Sidious. "Skiing does keep one young and virile you know," he said suggestively.
The employee managed to hide his revulsion and said, "Have a nice day sir. Next please."
Maul stepped up to the window and awaited his free ticket.
"That will be 65 Republic credits please." The cashier looked up to see another menacing, cloaked figure. And the day had just started.
"Sixty-five credits! But he didn't pay for his," Maul grumbled, scowling at his Master.
"That's because he's a senior citizen and he skis free," explained the teenager.
Maul waved his hand and said, "my ticket is fr-"
"No you don't," said Sidious with a counterwave of his hand. "Pay up Maul. This disparity will only further your anger and hone your hatred."
"Sir, you're holding up the line. That'll be 65 credits."
Sixty five credits! That was his video game rental budget for a whole month!
Disgustedly, Maul forked over the cash and received his lift ticket. As he turned to walk away, a commotion started a few windows down.
"Master, I won, I won! I'm the one millionth skier!" screeched a boy in a brown tunic, with a long, thin braid snaking out from under his ski hat. "Look, I get new equipment, a season pass, deluxe accommodations and a shopping spree!" The Padawan was jumping up and down in a most annoying manner. "Now I can get a cute ski outfit and some furry apres-ski boots. And we can go to that shop that sells all the body oils. That Iced Peak Delight smelled soooo good!"
"Splendid, Obi-Wan, the Force is with us today," the bearded Jedi Master said to the young Knight. "But calm down. We'll hit the boutiques right after we're done skiing,"
Maul dug his fingernails into his palms as he instantly recognized the yipping puppy-dog voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi. And from what he overheard, he was getting a FREE RIDE. At that moment, his most fervent desire was to skewer the Padawan with his ski pole and hang him like a piece of meat from the lift, circling the mountain all day.
"Patience, my young Sith lord," soothed Sidious. "The day has just begun. There may be a disturbance in the Force yet."
As they proceeded over to the ski school, a sleek snowmobile whizzed by and headed up the mountain, loudly stirring up clouds of snow and belching noxious fumes. Maul watched admiringly, thinking how he could do some damage with that droid unit.
"Master, why can't I ride one of those and hone my warrior skills?"
"No, no. That requires no stamina whatsoever. Now go join your ski group. I'll meet up with you later," Sidious snickered.
Lord Sidious headed toward the lifts casting sly glances at a number of young males he hoped would end up accompanying him on the chairlift.
Insane Clown Posse raged on the radio as Maul was being fitted with his equipment.
"Sir, would you please stand while I tighten your boots and bindings?" said the boy who was busily probing and screwing Maul's bindings, while simultaneously bobbing his head to the music.
Maul was admiring his cool boots when suddenly, an intense pain stabbed through his ankle. He was just about to use the Force to hurl the technician across the room when he noticed the boy's evil smirk. He was actually enjoying Maul's discomfort. Hmmm, a potential candidate for the Dark Side, he thought.
"Proceed," Maul instructed. He grimaced as the boy tightened his boots even more.
"Is this equipment top of the line?" Maul asked casually.
"No, you dumb shit," answered/thought the tech. "That equipment would only be for the advanced skiers." What an asshole! This guy is as weird as they come.
Maul, immediately sensing a powerful malevolence, Mind Whammied the teen and was soon decked out with an upgraded ski package.
Dazed, but still strong with the Dark Force, the teen added maliciously, "I would recommend a helmet except I don't think we could get one to fit over those horns,"
Perhaps, Maul thought, when I slay my master, I will come back and make you my disciple.
At the ski school Maul was surrounded by a motley assortment of humanoids, Wookiees, Ewoks and other creatures. An enormous Hutt lumbered into the room geeked out in the latest gear. Wasn't there a weigh check station? Maul thought spitefully. He walked clumsily over to his group, knowing that blisters were already forming on his feet. What manner of torture was this sport?
Just then, a voluptuous female instructor wearing a white body-hugging ski bib entered and addressed the group. Ah, this is more like it, thought Maul. No pain, no gain.
"Hi," she announced brightly. "I'm Tiffany. Everyone who is an intermediate skier please follow me." Half the group moved to follow the gorgeous Tiffany, leaving Maul behind. He of course, was in the beginner's group with the Hutt, an Ewok family and several little round humanoids screaming at the top of their lungs.
"Move your fat ass, Cartman!"
"Shut the f.... up, Kyle! Go help Kenny with his skis."
Oddly, Maul sensed no fear in them at all. Except for the one named Kenny.
Moments later, a creature with ridiculously long ears and arms sauntered in. "Meesa gonna be yousa ski instructor, okee-day? Meesa Jar Jar Binks," the Gungan said. "Yousa follow me."
Maul scowled and followed the group outside. The Gungan was demonstrating basic ski skills. "Yousa hafta know how to stop. Usa da bombad snow plow." The group tried out the maneuvers and Jar-Jar glanced over at one of the Ewoks, who was continuously crossing his skis and falling. "Yousa skis is too long. Yousa need to go get them shorter. Weesa wait for you."
This is beyond ridiculous thought Maul.
"ENOUGH! MY PATIENCE HAS ENDED." Maul drew his lightsaber and sliced 12 inches off the Ewok's skis. A furrow in the snow separated the Ewok from his smoldering ski tips. "WE ARE READY TO SKI NOW!
"How wude!" exclaimed Jar-Jar Binks.
After a few runs on the bunny slopes, Maul felt he rather had the hang of it and abandoned the beginner group. The little, round humanoid Kenny had already been hauled away in an ambulance and his friends were blaming Jar-Jar Binks for letting Kenny ski into a tree.
"Oh my god! You killed Kenny! You bastard!" they accused.
"Exsqueeze me," apologized the dejected Gungan.
Maul headed over to the lifts studying his trail map. Hmmm, Devil's Thumb, Demon Chute, Dead Man's Run. This is more like it. I'm there! I'll soon surpass my master's abilities and be able to rise up and slay him, Maul thought.
He was still studying the map, sidling up to the chair lift, when he heard a familiar voice. He turned to look just as he and the other person dropped into a chair. The lift moved forward and the other person graciously dropped the safety bar, effectively trapping Maul.
"Maul! Great to see you," said Obi-Wan Kenobi. "Master Qui-Gon decided to take me skiing and you'll never guess how lucky I am. I won a complete ski package and we'll be staying in one of the ski-in, ski-out condos. I'm already doing black diamonds. How about you? Are you enjoying yourself?"
Maul summoned up all his dwindling strength to contain himself. Of all people to ride up the lift with. That stupid twit Padawan! He dampened the urge to draw his lightsaber and sever the lift cable, sending all the occupants, including himself and Obi-Wan, ricocheting across the mountain.
Maul gritted his teeth. "The Sith do not enjoy their training sessions. The Sith use their training to heighten their perception of the Dark Force. When my training is complete I will slay your puny Jedi ass."
"Whatever. I'm going all the way to the top. Master Qui-Gon is waiting for me. He promised me a huge reward if I make it down a double diamond." Obi-Wan winked at Maul.
Spare me, Maul thought.
Obi-Wan chattered mindlessly as they continued up the lift. After a while Maul thought he felt pressure against his leg. Is this simpering Padawan rubbing his thigh against mine? wondered the Sith. Oh well, it was damn cold up here. He relaxed in the chair and tried not to worry about the summit. Certainly he couldn't let this feeble Jedi know he'd just graduated from the bunny slopes. He'd go right to the top and skip the intermediate runs.
About half-way up the mountain, Maul was glancing around, loathing the pristine beauty, when he spotted his Master at the mid-level snack shop. He was basking in the sun surrounded by admirers from numerous sexes and species. Sidious had his arm around one particularly svelte male and was whispering something lewd in another's ear, Maul sensed. The hooded figure looked up and blew a kiss in their direction. Maul actually snuggled closer to Obi-Wan in an effort to distance himself from Sidious.
The summit of Mary Jane approached and Obi-Wan still hadn't shut up. "And then we like to take a hot tub when we're done at the end of the day," he was saying. "Master Qui-Gon gives a great massage. After a day of skiing, only one other thing feels better." Wink, wink again.
Maul ignored Obi-Wan and smiled as he imagined the sensation he'd create sitting in a hot tub full of babes checking out his tattoos. His reverie was shattered as the chair jostled over a support. Maul tensed up as they reached the top.
"Lift the bar now and keep your ski tips up," Obi-Wan offered helpfully. Maul finally became undone at the twit's idiotic helpfulness, and just as Obi-Wan pushed off, he tried to lash out with the Force to send Obi-Wan sprawling. He missed and it backfired, causing Maul to tumble out of the chair and land face down in the snow.
Obi-Wan pirouetted and held out his hand to help Maul up.
"Gee, Maul, you shouldn't be so tense. Just go with the flow and you'll be-"
"BEGONE you twittering idiot! I can manage on my own," Maul sputtered, unclear as to how he was going to untangle himself from his skis. His unfortunate choice of tight, black, denim jeans was quickly becoming apparent as the snow began to seep in everywhere. A buzzing around his crotch, followed by a burning smell informed him he'd just burned out his lightsaber again.
"OK, but just remember to try and relax and you'll be able to get control, replied Obi-Wan." He continued gracefully down the slope, picking up speed as he waved goodbye.
Qui-Gon Jinn was waiting further down the double diamond and called out as Obi-Wan approached.
"Obi-Wan! Slow down. You might hurt someone! I'll revoke your hot tub privileges and won't let you light a fire and cuddle with me tonight!" he shouted.
Obi-Wan whizzed past his Master blithely ignoring him. Qui-Gon skied down after his Padawan learner.
By now, Maul was in a blind rage and began throwing the Force at the skiers coming off the lift behind him. They stumbled and tripped over each other and the chairlift operator was forced to stop the lift. Maul leered at her with his yellow black teeth and skied away. The lift would be delayed for quite some time he thought gleefully.
The screams and oaths of the fallen skiers faded and it became very quiet as Maul skied down a short distance. He approached a drop-off with extreme caution. As he looked over the edge his heart leapt to his throat and he experienced the most intense fear in his life. His master was right. As he looked down the dizzying drop his fear turned to frightful anger. His yellow eyes flew wide open as he plunged down.
"Whoaaaaaa," he screamed. The moguls of Devil's Thumb attacked him viciously. As Maul crashed and tumbled down the slope he hurled oaths at his Master. Perhaps I could plow these cursed bumps flat with my double edge lightsaber, he thought. Damn! It's burned out! I know--I'll use the bodies of the other skiers to break my fall. But there was no one around. Only complete idiots ventured up to the double black diamonds.
The black cloaked figure hurtling down the mountain was quite a sight to Darth Sidious and he grinned knowingly. My young apprentice has finally descended into the maelstrom and attained the rank of a libertine, he chuckled.
Maul's descent slowed and a feeling of euphoria overtook him. In no time at all he was executing Indys, Mule Kicks and Genies. Yeah, baby. I AM HOT SHIT! The chicks will love these moves. He'd show that Padawan punk! He soon rejoined other skiers and caught up with the pesky Obi-Wan. Now that I've been empowered I can easily dispatch that little idiot, he rejoiced.
"Yeehah!" sang Obi-Wan as he coursed down the slope, Qui-Gon fast behind him.
Maul invoked the Dark Force and the branches of a tree reached out for Obi-Wan. They twisted around his little braid and yanked him off balance. He launched over his skis and somersaulted into the air. He tried to come down on his skis, wiggling and thrusting for all he was worth, but hit hard and crumbled. Maul heard an audible pop as Obi-Wan's knee ligament tore in two.
"Ooh, bad luck Obi-Wan", Maul called out while slowing down slightly. "Here comes Qui-Gon to help you. I think you were going a little too fast."
Maul swooped down and grabbed Obi-Wan's wallet, which had been flung from his tunic during the spectacular landing. He took off down the slope, happily Mind-Whammying people out of his way as he picked up speed.
Qui-Gon skied over to Obi-Wan, who was clutching his knee in agony. "You were going entirely too fast young man. I told you so."
"Ouwee, Master Qui-Gon, it hurts! I wanna ride down with those cute ski patrol guys in one of those sleds. Ooh, it hurts, it hurts!"
"I'm afraid not my young apprentice, Qui-Gon announced gravely. "One of your Jedi trials is pain endurance. You'll have to make it down the mountain on your one good leg."
Maul stopped to listen to that sweet sound. He opened Obi-Wan's wallet and found not only his American Express card, but the 2500 Republic Credit gift certificate Obi-Wan had won. Lord Sidious quickly caught up with him.
"My master, do we have time for one more run?" asked Maul, beaming broadly.
"Yes indeed, my young Sith, yes indeed."
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