Sith-mas Shopping, or Darth Sidious Gets a Furby
by Anna Brogan
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I don't own Star Wars, etc... I'm just borrowing Lucas's under-developed characters.
"Die!! Diediediediediedie!" Darth Maul's thumbs flew and and the last Jedi master died.
"Yes! I am HOT SHIT!" Maul jumped up on his couch brandishing his control pad. My Apprentice hissed at him. He sat back down, slightly embarrassed, and rubbed his eyes. Now what?
He flipped on the TV wondering how to fill the void left by the now beaten Jedi Roadkill IV. On the tube, a gnome in red and green tights was singing and dancing happily. With a snarl Maul changed the channel.
This time it was singing elves.
The Jedi Temple Padawan Choir. (On FOX!)
As if on cue, Darth Sidious strode into Maul's apartment, gingerly stepping over an old carry-out box that snapped at him. He glanced at the cherubic padawans and smiled fondly. Maul gagged.
"There is something wrong with the TV, master. It's all... happy! Even Fox!" Darth Sidious rolled his eyes.
"My slovenly apprentice, when was the last time you were out of doors?" He looked around the apartment and shook his head. "You're lucky the sentient life in here doesn't rise up and slay you." Maul shrugged at this improbable idea.
"Do you even know what time of year it is?" Sidious continued.
"It's winter, Master."
"And what major holiday falls in winter?"
"Ummm..." Suddenly it all clicked, the tinsel, the elves, the incessant "Jingle Bell Rock" that had caused the destruction of his formerly bitchin' stereo... Darth Maul began to edge away from his master, his eyes wide. Darth Sidious cackled with glee.
"Yes, my apprentice! Yes! Let your fear consume you! Fear is the path to the Dark Side! It's..... CHRISTMAS TIME!!!"
"Yes! And you have one shopping day left, my lazy apprentice. You will go to the mall, Maul, and you will SHOP!"
"Sith Lords don't give presents." Maul said grumpily.
"You will. I find your lack of hate disturbing, my worthless apprentice. A little last-minute Christmas shopping will put you in rare form. Now go get ready and we will make a list."
Outside the "Coruscant Corners" megamall, the two Sith conferred one last time.
"I will remain in The Jawa Java Cup. When you have found gifts for everyone on your list you will meet me there."
"And, Lord Maul?"
"The Furby must be pink. Anything less will earn you...repercussions..."
How hard can that be? Whatever a Fur-bee is... Maul thought to himself, glaring at the map just inside the doors. A familiar, nightmarish sound drifted into Maul's awareness. He gritted his teeth... "Jingle Bell Rock" again. Taking a deep breath, he peered around the map and started for one of the two toy stores in the place. The megamall was packed. Darth Maul hadn't seen so many people since the "Backdoor Bantha Boys" concert. Memories of that massacre cheered the Sith up despite the fact that the PA was now playing "Jingle Bell Rock" again, in Ewok.
"Where are your Fur-Beeses?" He demanded of a young store clerk who was curled into a fetal position on the floor. The boy had a tic under one eye and some of his hair seemed to be missing. He didn't answer Maul, just kept rocking back and forth. Maybe he had not heard. There were a lot of screaming children in the store. Maul felt his blood boiling.
"WHERE! ARE! YOUR! FUR! BEESES!" He roared at the now giggling clerk. The boy said nothing but began to pull his own hair out. He pointed a twitching finger at aisle 3 however, and Maul nodded.
Approaching aisle 3 Darth Maul hesitated at the sound of lightsabers. He hastily zipped up his black leather jacket over his Sith Lords Kick Ass t-shirt and turned the corner. He stopped dead in his tracks and blinked.
The Jedi were FIGHTING! Qui-Gon and Windu were circling each other, slashing away with their sabers while Yoda and Maul's twit neighbor were rolling on the floor, squealing and pulling out what little hair they had. The Sith Lord felt a tear in his eye and wiped it away hastily. Ah, such a moment... If only his Master could see...
Yoda paused in clawing Obi-Wan's eyes out and ogled Maul.
"Ooooh, nice jacket you have. Biker are you?" he said, winking lewdly. Maul was about to punt him twice around the mall when Obi Wan jumped up, grabbed a box off the shelf and tore past Maul at a dead run, shrieking:
"I have it master! I have it! RUN!" Qui-Gon let out a whoop and ran. Yoda was furious. Maul ignored him, starting up the aisle, scanning the empty shelves worriedly.
"YOUR fault this is!" Yoda shouted at him.
"Whatever." he said. Fur-bee, Fur-bee, what did a Fur-bee look like anyway?
"The last one on Coruscant, that was!" Yoda wailed, brandishing his stick.
Green, Black, Yellow, Blue, WHERE are the pink ones? Maul began to panic as what Yoda was screaming at him became clear.
"Pink Furby, I had to have!" The little green man smacked Maul on the shin with his stick. "Almost had it, I did! Beat that bitch Obi-Wan, I would have! Distract me with your tight jeans, you did! From the dark side, you must be!" Mace Windu was dragging Yoda away but Maul lost his temper. Hopping on one leg he bellowed
"A Sith Lord, I am! I mean, I am a Sith Lord! Of course I'm from the dark side!!" Oops. He had revealed himself to the Jedi. His master would not be pleased.
"Don't be silly, young man. I know Christmas brings out the worst in all of us but..." Mace Windu patted Maul on the shoulder and tried to drag the frothing Yoda away. Recovering from his slip, Maul calmed himself.
"I MUST have a pink Fur-bee. My master has commanded it." His hand went to his lightsaber, things were starting to boil behind his horns.
"Well, Obi Wan has it, it isn't as if you can just take it. That wouldn't be Jedi... Why not ask Santa Droid for one." Windu said. The two masters burst out laughing and left.
With a roar Maul tore out his lightsaber and proceeded to destroy every Furby on the shelf. It made him feel a little better. Suddenly he was bowled over by a scream of rage so loud it collapsed a display of TeleTatooine Tubbies on his head. He spun around, Tinky-Winkys flying. This was it. His Master had come and the day of reckoning was here. No, it was Darth Mary Sue. Maul relaxed.
"Heeeey, baby. You're on my shopping list you know..." he said, turning off his lightsaber. Maybe she would sleep with him again if he bought her a present. "Wanna fu-"
"I'm gonna KIIIIILLL YOU!!!!!! I HAD to have a black Furby for my niece and you destroyed them all!!!!!!! AAAAAARRRGGG--" She screamed and lunged at him, claws out. Maul jumped back but slipped on a Laa-Laa and fell on his ass. She pounced on him and began pounding him with her fists. Her hair was flying, her eyes blazing, she was foaming at the mouth. She was- magnificent... Maul threw her off with the Force and scrambled to his feet.
"I too seek a Fur-Bee, but that twit Obi Wan took the last pink one. My master will kill me and choose another apprentice if I fail to get it for him."
"A Pink Furby? My God! I just saw your boyfriend heading for Santa Droid! Let's get him! Then we can fight it out over the Furby."
"He is NOT my boyfriend!" Maul yelled, humiliated that she knew anything about it. Just then "Jingle Bell Rock" (In Hutt-ese!) started on the PA again. The Dark Side rose and centered itself on the Sith.
"I will get the Furby! I will destroy Obi-Wan and then I will kill everyone in this place!!!" He was waving his lightsaber around and raving. "Then you and I will go to bed again and all doubts about my manhood will be erased!!!" He suddenly noticed Darth Mary Sue was nodding and repeating everything he said. He froze as she said they would have sex and no one would doubt his masculinity again. Her eyes were glazed and her jaw slack. Maul blinked. He'd managed to mind whammy Mary Sue! But how? Then he noticed what a state she was in, the dark rings under her eyes, her fingernails torn to shreds. She was stressed and vulnerable. A grin slowly spread itself across his face and he focused on his hatred of "Jingle Bell Rock" (in Wookiee!)
"You will go to my apartment. You will clean it and you will feed My Apprentice. You will wait for me in bed, wearing nothing but that tattoo of yours."
"... nothing but my tattoo." She mumbled, nodding, and wandered off.
I am HOT SHIT! Maul thought to himself, running after Obi-Wan. His powers were strong in this place. There was so much Christmas spirit to exploit for the Dark Side! He threw out whammies left and right.
"Your children don't need presents."
"My children don't need presents."
"Your wife wants a ratchet set."
"I know! I'll get her a ratchet set!"
He spotted Obi-Wan close to the front of the line to meet Santa Droid. The little twit was hopping up and down and clapping his hands. There were elves with clubs keeping people in line. Maul tapped one on the head.
"That Padawan cut in line." he said waving his hand. The elf glared over at Obi-Wan and started after him, hefting his nightstick.
"And he has no Christmas Spirit!" Maul added. He grinned as the twit suddenly screamed. The elf was dragging him out of line by his ridiculous little braid. Maul laughed and followed. Obi-Wan's bags flew open and the Furby went flying, landing on top of a pile of panties from Viceroy's Secret. There was a collective gasp from the throng. Maul, oblivious, stepped forward to pick it up, his mission accomplished. The crowd went berserk.
An hour later Maul managed to crawl into Jawa Java. One of his eyes was swollen shut and he thought maybe he'd lost a horn. He had managed to kill a number of the Furby fanatics, but in the process the pink toy had been torn limb from limb by the mob.
"Have you failed me, my apprentice?" Sidious asked. Maul groaned. It was all over. He quickly told his master everything, hoping the story of the Jedi trying to kill each other would mollify the Sith Master. Sidious shook his head.
"There are many hours yet till closing, my young apprentice. You will obtain a Furby from Toys-R-2D2 and finish your shopping. I have foreseen it. And don't forget a present for Darth Mary Sue."
"I got her present right here, Master." Maul said, grinning. Sidious decided not to ask. He gave his battered apprentice some ice and sent him along.
"Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock...." Maul sang to himself as he came out of the Pet Empire-ium with a huge sack. He wasn't sure why he'd bought so much, only that a voice in his head had said that it was right. Shrugging, he headed for the toy store.
Sure enough the clerks were unloading Furbys of all colors onto the shelves. They were surrounded by armed Wookiees and a huge, restless mob. Maul groaned. He didn't want to go through this again. He refused!
He focused his hatred of peppermint, his fear of women with two year old children, his anger at the seemingly eternal "Jingle Bell Rock" marathon, his suffering at the hands of his master... The Dark Side of the Force swirled around him like a cloak. He felt it consume him. He took the entire wretched Christmas experience, all the greed, hypocrisy and tinsel in to the biggest mind whammy he'd ever done. He roared at the top of his lungs:
"YOU WILL ALL GET OUT OF MY WAY!!! YOU WILL GIVE ME THE PINK FURBY!!! YOU WILL ALL LEAVE THIS PLACE!!! YOU WILL FORGET ABOUT CHRISTMAS!!!! YOU WILL... YOU WILL ..." He was at a loss. He'd never had such power before. He could do it! He could rise up and slay...
"--you will all vote for Palpatine," said a silky voice behind him, using a mind whammy that made his look puny.
"A vote for Palpatine is a vote for order..." The crowd was chanting.
"Let us go my Apprentice. That's quite enough Christmas spirit for you." Maul nodded, a little shamefacedly. Then Darth Sidious noticed the huge bag of cat toys and shook his head.
"Maybe one more stop. Let's go meet Santa Droid," he said. Maul stopped dead.
"No. Absolutely not. I don't believe in Santa Droid anyway!" Maul shouted. He was getting hoarse from all the yelling he'd been doing. The PA was back to the Ewok version of "Jingle Bell Rock." Maul's head was pounding and he'd had enough.
"Nonsense. You must have the full experience, and anyway," he added slyly "you could ask him for the pre-release of Jedi Roadkill V..."
Grinding his teeth, Maul nodded and followed his Master as he mind whammied to the front of the line. Sidious stayed outside the workshop to talk to some of his voters.
"Next!" The door-elf barked and Maul went in, grumbling under his breath.
Sidious was just beginning to get bored when the cardboard workshop exploded behind him in a roar of red and white. Maul was standing on top of the molten ruin of Santa's sled and roaring. There was a candycane hanging off one horn and in one hand he held his lightsaber, in the other the head of the jolly old droid himself.
Sidious gasped along with everyone else in the crowd. In the sudden silence Maul's raving was quite clear.
"How's THAT for a lump of coal you fat..."
Sidious looked around at the traumatized faces of all the children and cackled with glee. His Apprentice never ceased to amaze him!
They barely got out with their lives and packages intact.
Back in Maul's apartment they both stopped short.
"How is this possible?" Sidious asked. The floor was visible. The whole place was spotless. My Apprentice was lounged in her favorite chair. Maul threw the bag of presents to her and tried to look casual.
"I mind whammied Darth Mary Sue is all." He said "She's in the bedroom--waiting." he said. Sidious burst out laughing.
"Now you understand the evil inherent in the shopping mall, Lord Maul. We will go again next week for the after-Christmas sales." He strode out the door, leaving Maul grinding his teeth again. He was about to tear loose another explosion when he remembered Mary Sue again and all but ran to the bedroom. If getting her in the sack was the result of trips to the mall, then he could put up with it as often as his master wanted.
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