Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XXV
[Read Siubhan's author bio]
Thanks to Puff Daddy for changing his name to P. Diddy. Snerk! Dude, you were begging for this.
Darth Maul strode into his apartment with a six-pack of Pete's under one arm, and a Spatula City shopping bag under the other (they were having a buy five, get one free sale), ready to enjoy a three-day weekend without any harrowing visits from his master. The Gungans were celebrating some sort of fish festival, and as the senator from Naboo, it was Palpatine's duty to go back to his home planet and pretend the Gungans didn't exist.
Maul strode past his cat and two men in suits to put his beer in the fridge and toss his spatulas in the bedroom. Then he did a double take.
Heading back to the living room, Maul cast a withering glare at the two suited men, who didn't blink, then looked down at his cat. She was wearing a backwards baseball cap with a catnip leaf on it, and a gold necklace with a kibble medallion. "What the hell is going on here and what are you doing in my apartment?" Maul snarled.
One of the men said, "We've just signed B. Pissy here up to a recording deal with our label."
That's my rap name, knowwhatimsayin?
"You signed my cat up to a recording deal?"
"After that spectacular free concert she gave last night, we signed her up immediately."
"Free concert? You mean when I locked her out on the balcony all night and she yowled to try and get me to let her back in?"
"Genius! Pure rap genius!"
The other suited flunky nodded emphatically.
My Apprentice bonked Maul on the leg with her head and said, Yo boyeeee, gimme some o dat kind nip!
Some o dat dank chronic.
"You want pot?"
No! Nip! Catnip! Hydro, not schwag!
"What the fuck are you talking about? Where did you learn this shit?"
I've been listening to GWA.
Gungans With Attitude.
"I'm outta here."
Maul grabbed his spatulas and beer and stormed out of his apartment. Kicking Obi-Wan's door open, he opened his mouth to start fuming, but Obi-Wan shushed him and turned up the radio. "Damn, Maul, your cat has talent!"
"She's on the radio? Already? But I just..."
Maul had never been a fan of rap, but he suspected that My Apprentice's version of "scratching" wasn't the generally accepted one. But he had to admit, she could yowl to a beat.
The song ended, and the deejay said, "And that was 'Tuna Was the Case that They Gave Me,' by B. Pissy, the hottest new star on the Coruscant rap scene! B. Pissy requests that you mail tuna to her in lieu of fan letters."
Obi-Wan looked up from the radio in awe. "Shit, Maul, that's the best fucking rap I've ever heard!"
"This is insane," Maul grumbled. "I'm gonna put this beer in the fridge. Be right back."
As Maul headed back out from the kitchen, an open Pete's in hand, he snarled, "I have no idea what that damned cat of mine is doing, but..."
"Hey, I just got her new album Fear of a Pussy Planet from Kozmoo.com!"
"What? But she just..."
Obi-Wan unwrapped the disk and stuck it in his CD player. Maul snatched the jewel case from his hand and read the song titles off the back:
"How the hell did she do this?" Maul seethed. "She just signed the fucking contract five minutes ago! Shit, I need another beer."
Maul left Obi-Wan grooving around the living room and meowing to the chorus, and grabbed another Pete's from the fridge. When he came back in, Obi was on the sofa, intently watching the television. "Finally done with that inane CD?" Maul asked.
"Sssh! B. Pissy's on TRL!"
"Hi, I'm Karson Weekly, and welcome to TRL. We've got a special guest with us today. B. Pissy's in the houuuuuuse!"
My Apprentice trotted on with a throng of gold-chained, heavily-muscled people behind her. Many of them were also wearing catnip-leaf jewelry.
"So, is this your posse?" Karson asked.
My Apprentice started licking her butt.
"I cannot believe this!" Maul grumbled. "TRL already? But it's barely been... Damn, that Pete's went right through me. Gotta take a whiz."
After grabbing another Pete's to restock his bladder, Maul headed back into the living room, a brand new spatula in hand. "So, there was this sale at Spatula City..."
"Ssh!" Obi-Wan hissed. "B. Pissy's on Cribs."
"What? But it's only been ten minutes..."
On screen, My Apprentice, her tail held high, trotted over to the biggest carpeted cat tree that Maul had ever seen, then headed to the kitchen and ate tuna out of a 24-carat gold bowl. "B. Pissy is livin' large!" an off-screen voice gushed.
Obi-Wan pointed at the screen and said, "Holy shit! She's got a diamond encrusted litterbox!"
"I can't watch this," Maul snarled as he surged to his feet. Raiding the fridge would help. Yes, he was sure of it.
Belly bulging with pizza, Maul headed back in to the living room, juggling the spatulas with the Force. "Now, as I was saying..."
"B. Pissy's on Behind the Music."
Over a montage of photos of My Apprentice, the announcer's voice said, "...and in the recording studio, the catnip flowed like waterfalls on Naboo, fueling all-night parties, followed by all-day naps. B. Pissy seemingly had it all, but she blew her entire fortune on tuna, catnip, and long-nailed whores." The scene switched to a slow-mo shot of My Apprentice getting her cheek scritched by long fuchsia-manicured fingernails. "Plus there was the infamous club scratching incident. B. Pissy swore that her claws were sheathed the whole time, and even though the jury agreed, it ruined her career. Broke and despondent, B. Pissy went back to her roots."
"Hey, that's your apartment!" Obi-Wan said, pointing at the screen.
Maul bolted out into the hallway just in time to see the camera crew leave his apartment. "This is too weird," he said, shaking his head to make sure nothing was rattling around in it. He walked in to his living room and saw My Apprentice licking her butt in the middle of the floor.
"Milked your literal fifteen minutes of fame to death already, 'B. Pissy'?" Maul sneered.
My Apprentice shot him a withering glare. Fame is boring, she said before returning to her butt.
Maul snorted and headed back to Obi-Wan's apartment, determined to put his new spatulas to good use.
Obi-Wan pointed at his television with glee. "B. Pissy has changed her name to Puff Kitty and is launching a comeback!"
Maul very quietly stepped back into the hallway and closed the door behind him. How long until Sidious came back and tossed a nice, distracting, menial task at him to further hone his rage? He looked down at his watch. Two days, sixteen hours. Maybe Cynthia was home. That'd be the next best thing.
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