Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XXII
[Read Siubhan's author bio]
Many thanks to the Intrepid Housemate Melissa Emerita (TM) for the plot bunny and for helping me brainstorm, and Joan the English Chick for the beta.
"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
"Hunh?" Obi-Wan grunted incoherently as Jon-Tra lurched in from the hallway.
Jon-Tra clutched his swollen belly and groaned.
Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes and bitched, "It's 5 a.m. What the fuck are you doing here?"
"Keep it down out there!" Maul yelled from the bedroom.
"I'm in labor!" Jon-Tra wailed.
"You're insane," Obi-Wan groused as he plopped down on the sofa.
"No, really! It's labor!" Jon-Tra groaned and doubled over in pain.
"That's what I thought at first, but I think Yaddle's right this time."
"She's insane too. I can't believe you're listening to her."
"I didn't believe her, really I didn't. I just went along with it because it gave me an excuse to eat a lot of candy. I just thought I was fat. But feel this!" Jon-Tra put Obi-Wan's hands on his distended belly.
Obi-Wan's eyes grew wide. "Holy shit, it's moving!"
Maul plopped down on the sofa next to Obi-Wan. "Hey, this is just like Alien. You see that film? I rooted for the alien, myself."
"So," Maul continued, "what orifice is that going to come out? Maybe it'll just eat its way out. Or maybe it'll come out your ass. If Qui-Gon is as big as rumor has it, you shouldn't have any problem."
Obi-Wan smacked Maul in the arm and said, "Hang on here, let's apply some logic."
"Fucking Jedi compassion," Maul grumbled under his breath as he rubbed his arm.
"You're a guy," Obi-Wan continued. "How can you be pregnant? You're Human, right?"
"Well, my great-great-great-great-grandfather on my mother's side is a Wookiee."
"Explains the hairy back," Obi-Wan noted.
"And my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother on my father's mother's side is a Zabrakian, and I think their males can sometimes have babies."
"Part Zabrakian? Maybe it'll have horns," Maul mused as he fingered one of his nice sharp temple horns. "I hear they have a full set at birth."
"CALL A MIDWIFE!!!!" Jon-Tra screamed.
"I'll do no such thing," Obi-Wan said. "I'm taking you to the infirmary."
"No," Jon-Tra begged. "I want to have a home birth!"
"So do it at your place!" Obi-Wan countered.
"Yours is nicer!"
Maul slyly noted, "You could have it at the baby's father's house."
"Father?" Jon-Tra squeaked.
Obi-Wan looked at him appraisingly and asked, "Any idea who that might be?"
"Ooh, the contractions are really close!" Jon-Tra wailed as he stood in front of the fence separating 225 and 223 Midichlorian Terrace.
"The child is not mine!" Senator Palpatine insisted. "I've only had sex with this delectable youngster twice, so the chances of me being the father are extremely low!"
"Yeah, but you've already got three kids, so we know you're fertile!" Qui-Gon countered. "I could be shooting blanks for all I know! I've been a druggie for years. That lowers sperm count, right?"
Mace shook his head and said, "Well don't look at me! I always use condoms when I diddle anyone but you, Qui-Gon, although I'd probably be a hell of a lot safer if I did the opposite."
"Well the child cannot be born in my house," Palpatine countered. "Your place is already messy, and it's probably yours anyway, so it may as well happen there."
"But you have that hot tub. He could have the baby there."
"Do you have any idea how long it would take to get it clean again?!? The pool boy's hands would be a wreck!"
"Ow! I'm gonna have it on the lawn if the midwife doesn't get here soon!" Jon-Tra whined.
"Shut up!" all three men shouted at once.
Jon-Tra looked back to Obi-Wan and Maul for sympathy, but all he got was a couple of helpless shrugs.
Just then, a little green Volkswagen Mynock pulled up and Yaddle scurried out. "Late I am. Traffic there was. Why on the lawn are you?"
Mace replied, "We're still trying to figure out which house to have the baby in."
"He's got a hot tub!" Qui-Gon said, pointing his finger sternly at Palpatine.
"Yes, but he has nice absorbent furniture!" Palpatine shot back.
"Which of you is the father?" Yaddle asked.
She looked over at Jon-Tra and waggled her finger. "Slut you are! If more prenatal tests you had had, know you would who the father is!"
"I'm sorry!" he sobbed. "I didn't believe you!"
"Crazy you all think I am. Yes, know I what you say behind my back. But pregnant you are, and baby you are going to have! Now pick you a house."
"I like the hot tub."
"Too hairy you are. Waterlogged you will become."
"Okay, then Qui-Gon's. It's nice and soothing."
"Follow me you shall. Qui-Gon--hot water and towels you will fetch. Mace--calm your padawan you shall. Obi-Wan and Maul--help me to hold down Jon-Tra you will. New orifice I must carve for him."
"Push you must!"
"But I don't have the proper muscles!"
Jon-Tra gripped Mace's hands tightly and whimpered, "Tell me, how bad does it look down there?"
Mace swallowed down a wave of nausea and said, "Just use the Force, padawan. It'll be over soon."
"Long labor this may be. Large baby you are having. 15 pounds at least!"
"Then it's clearly not mine," Palpatine sniffed. "All my children are on the short side of average. Just look at Obi-Wan. It must be yours, Qui-Gon."
Jon-Tra cast a pained gaze around the room and asked, "Can't any of you use your Jedi healing powers on me?"
"Close your new orifice that would. Natural the pain is. Bear it you shall. Wimp you are! Doing this for millennia women have been!"
"Built for it, they are!" Jon-Tra wailed.
Qui-Gon barreled back into the room and said, "Okay, the water's boiling. Now what do I do?"
"Tea you will make for midwife. Soothing chamomile I crave."
"Cool. The hash brownies are almost done too." He turned on his heel and headed back for the kitchen.
Across the room, Obi-Wan and Maul watched with the rapt fascination of two gawkers looking at a speeder wreck. "This is seriously fucked up," Obi-Wan whispered.
With a feral grin plastered across his face, Maul replied, "Yeah. Hey, want some popcorn?"
"No, but I could use a drink."
"Qui-Gon's only got Corona in the fridge. I checked."
"Shit, that's like drinking piss."
"So why'd you come anyway?"
"I thought it could be amusing to watch the bastard suffer."
"All of them."
"And besides, I wanted to see if my ma...guardian was going to have another brat. Hey, you could have a little half-brother or sister shortly!"
Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose and said, "I doubt it. More likely, my master is going to have to straighten up his act and start being a dutiful father. Sheesh, I'm trying to picture him with short hair, no beard, and decent clothes but it's just not working."
Maul chuckled and said, "Either way, you've got a lot of babysitting in your future."
"Oh shut up! I suppose I should call my sister and tell her there's a chance we're going to have a new sibling shortly."
"Ah, good!" Sidious beamed. "My probe droid is here."
"Probe droid?!?" Jon-Tra gasped. "I don't want this recorded!"
"Silly boy, it's here to record me. It is a campaign year after all." Palpatine smoothed out his official robes, powdered his nose, and switched the probe droid on. A bright, but highly flattering light shone from the top and perfectly illuminated the beaming senator. "Good evening, constituents. I am here at the threshold of a momentous occasion. This young Jedi padawan is about to give birth, and I stand here waiting to greet this new taxpayer, and eventually, new voter into the world."
"I'd rather be greeting it in your fucking hot tub!!!" Jon-Tra screamed.
Palpatine scowled and muttered, "Go back and erase anything that comes out of that whelp's mouth," before putting on his 300-watt smile again. "And he's having the baby in the home of highly respected Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn."
"Who wants hash brownies?" Qui-Gon announced.
He scowled again. "Erase anything said by anyone but me." The smile came back on. "Present at this beautiful celebration of life are my ward, Maul, and my son, Obi-Wan, who is also a Jedi."
By Becky. Click to see larger image.
The two of them walked over and flanked Palpatine, waving with one hand, and making bunny ears behind Palpatine's head with the other.
"Am I any closer?" Jon-Tra wailed. "It's been eight hours!"
"Unusual your physiology is. Unsure how this birth should be progressing am I. However, broken your water has, so soon it should be."
A glassy eyed Qui-Gon, who had eaten all but one of the hash brownies (Obi-Wan had one, Maul turned them away because they dulled his anger, Palpatine was still taping the proceedings and needed to look sharp and clean, Yaddle smacked him away and wouldn't let Jon-Tra have any either, and Mace was taking this all very seriously and didn't want to take drugs right now), squished across the sodden carpet and groused, "Mace, if you'd just let me put down the tarp, I wouldn't need a professional carpet cleaner right now."
"Dude, it was still covered with lube and pot resin from last night!"
"Druggie slip and slide that tarp is! Skid across the living room the child would! Bad way to enter the world, that is."
"Oh dear!" Palpatine said. "I'd forgotten all about that! We must prepare the room for the baby's arrival." He reached into one of the hidden pockets in his robe, pulled out a CD, plunked in into Qui-Gon's stereo, and turned it on. "It's Raining Men" started blaring from the speakers. "Maul, dear ward, could you go next door and fetch the disco ball and a little lamé blanket for the wee one?"
Qui-Gon pulled one finger from his ear long enough to hit the "stop" button. "Dude! That's no way to greet a new life!" He pulled out the CD and reached for his own collection.
"Oh, for the love of the electoral process, you're not going to put on John Tesh!" Palpatine groused. "The child will refuse to come out if you do that!"
"Put on Foghat!" Mace offered.
"NO FUCKING MUSIC!!!!!!" Jon-Tra screamed.
"Heard you the mother...er, parent," Yaddle said. "Music there will not be."
"Okay man, but I'm lighting some patchouli incense."
"At least let me toss glitter at the youngster!"
"IT'S MY BABY!!!! NO FUCKING GLITTER!!!! NO FUCKING PATCHOULI!!!!"
"Hmph," Palpatine sniffed. "Next thing you know he won't want Yaddle to give it a nice firm smack on its pert little bottom."
"You can't do that to a poor innocent little baby!" Qui-Gon groaned. "Its first experience shouldn't be pain. It should be love and incense and macramé."
"Life is pain, and the sooner a child learns this, the better off it will be."
Obi-Wan cast a sidelong glance at Maul, and decided that he was siding with Qui-Gon on this one if Maul was any indication of Palpatine's parenting skills.
Jon-Tra let loose the loudest wail yet, and Yaddle said, "The head I can see!"
Qui-Gon Jinn watched the little head crowning, thinking to himself just how groovy the cycle of life was.
Mace Windu marveled at the fact that his dippy padawan was actually giving birth to a new life.
Senator Palpatine found himself being rather impressed with how skillfully Yaddle had managed to make a new functional hole in that Jedi whelp's body.
Obi-Wan was suddenly excited at the thought of possibly having a new little sibling.
Maul decided that all the blood and screaming made childbirth rather Sithly.
And then they all passed out as one.
"Men! What wimps!" Dartha noted as she and Mary Sue stepped through the door. Mary Sue whipped out her camera and snapped a picture of the unconscious quintet. Palpatine's probe droid continued obediently filming his prone body.
"A girl it is!" Yaddle crowed as she held Jon-Tra's offspring up, then she whipped out a hose and turned it on the squirming infant. "Half-Wookiee, it would appear to be. Difficult to clean, they are. Know you who the father is?"
Cradling his dripping daughter, whom he wrapped up in an old hemp towel, Jon-Tra beamed, "She's beautiful! Half-Wookiee...oh, I know who the daddy is! I met him briefly at a bar and we had a quickie out in the alleyway. He was a starship mechanic named...hmm. I think it was something like Gooey or Chunky. I can't remember. But he was a dreamboat!"
"Single parent you will be then? Very brave, young padawan."
"Um, can you tie my tubes, or whatever? I don't want to do this again."
"Exploratory surgery we will need to perform. Understand your physiology, clearly we do not. Decide later, you should. Change your mind, you might."
"No offense, but I think I'll adopt if I decide to give her a little sister. Um, how do I feed her?"
"Hmm. Wookiee offspring, hard to feed they are. Masticate and spit, you must."
"But that's what got me into trouble in the first place!"
Yaddle smacked him in the head with her forceps and barked, "Chew! Chew!"
"Chew...that really sounds familiar."
"Oh, you're so precious!" Jon-Tra cooed. "I'll call you Chewbecky."
Mary Sue snapped a picture of the two of them, then another with a proud Yaddle standing beside them, then sighed, "Ah well. I was hoping for a sister, but I'm happy for you all the same. She's so precious! She kind of looks like the baby pictures I've seen of Maul before he got the electrolysis. Anyhow, Mother and I brought you some things for the baby. Obi-Wan said it was big, but he didn't say it was a Wookiee! I hope these fit, but if they don't, I kept the receipts."
Jon-Tra rooted through the bags, found a lovely little outfit for his new daughter, and dressed her in it. She promptly took a dump in it, then started chewing on her fur. Yaddle shook her head and waddled off to call a diaper service.
Dartha grinned photogenically, ignoring the pungent scent, and said, "And I brought you some Dartha Stewart original baby linens, exclusively at K-Mart."
Chewbecky coughed up a hairball. Jon-Tra blithely tied the fur on top of her head up in a little pink bow.
"Would you like to hold her?" Jon-Tra asked.
Dartha wrinkled her nose at the soiled child and looked over at the hose. "Oh no. That's what the help is for."
"Mother!" Mary Sue gasped.
"It's true. I didn't touch you until you were three. Children are so filthy."
"But there are pictures! Videos!"
"I hired some little fly-by-night called ILM to do the effects. Very realistic, wouldn't you say?"
"I cannot believe you! No wonder I spent all those years in therapy!"
"You turned out fine. It built character." Dartha looked across the room, sniffed disdainfully, and asked, "Mary Sue, dear, could you get another few close-ups of your father? He's so fetching when he's passed out cold."
"You just want them for bribery purposes."
"Why else would I find him fetching?"
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