Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part XII.V
by Siubhan
[Read Siubhan's author bio]


Maul smiled and leaned up against the wall to Obi-Wan's apartment, soaking up the anger emanating from the padawan.

"Don't be such a square, Obi-Wan."

"That's a violation of your parole! What if you get caught?"

"I'm not going to get caught. Just relax."

Maul's grin widened, and he headed out onto the balcony, loudly exclaiming, "Do I smell pot?"

"Er, no!" Obi-Wan said, rushing out to his balcony, furiously waving a stick of patchouli incense. "You must be smelling this."

"Really, because I could have sworn I smelled..."

"Qui-Gon!" Obi-Wan shouted, and ran back into the apartment. "No you don't. You're leaving that here."

"Hey, that's a full ounce!"

"And if you get caught with it when you leave here, you'll get locked away for a year!"

"I'm out of here. Maybe Mace has some shrooms."

"You're lucky I don't call the cops!" Obi-Wan shouted as the door slammed.

Maul sighed happily and waited for Obi-Wan to reemerge. He didn't disappoint. "He's going to get himself in deep poodoo if he isn't careful," he sighed as he and his stick of incense wandered back onto the balcony.

"You should know," Maul pointed out.

"Rehab isn't pretty, especially for Jedi. There's only so much TV Land a mind can take."

"So, a full ounce?" Maul asked, rubbing his hands together. "You know how much that'll fetch nowadays?"

Obi-Wan staggered back a step. "Sell it? Are you out of your mind?"

"What's the big deal?"

"Well, selling it brings more jail time than just smoking it," Obi-Wan said with an impish grin. Reaching out his hand, he asked, "Wanna join me?"

"I don't smoke pot."

"Why not?"

"It dulls my anger," Maul snarled, crossing his arms protectively across his chest.

"I'll order a pizza."

Maul considered this for a moment, then took Obi-Wan's hand and said, "You're on," as he climbed onto his balcony and into the beige apartment. "Make it pepperoni, sausage, and Ewok."

"My favorite!" Obi-Wan grinned as he made the call for the "Heartless Carnivore" special. "Okay, let me just go get Excalibong."

"Excalibong? Why not just use a pipe?"

"You've never seen Excalibong," Obi-Wan said, digging into the very back of his closet, even farther back than the Doc Martens.

When he emerged, he was holding in his hands a thing of beauty. Excalibong was a meter-high creature of sculptured, coiled glass. It was no mere bong. It was a thing of art. Its curves put Darth Lara Croft to shame.

Maul had to admit, it was awesome.

Of course, he'd never admit it out loud. "Fill her up!" he commanded. "I want a good buzz on when the pizza arrives."

"Sure thing!"

"Oh, and don't tell my father."

"He doesn't approve of drugs?"

"Normally he's cool with it, but it's a reelection year."

"Got it."


Obi-Wan exhaled a thick cloud of smoke and giggled. "This is really good pot!"

Maul nodded and shoveled down another slice of pizza.

"Hey, leave me some 'za! I've only had one piece!" Obi-Wan protested, perma-smile still plastered firmly across his face.


"You're a pig when you're stoned, Maul."


"You know, you take the munchies to something of an extreme."


"Have another hit."


Obi-Wan took advantage of the momentary distraction to snag two of the last three slices of pizza.

After polishing off the last slice, a very glassy-eyed Maul turned to Obi-Wan, blinked a few times, and commanded, "More pizza."

"I'm not ordering another one," Obi-Wan said, smile still plastered across his face.

"Mmf." Maul rose unsteadily to his feet, blinked some more, and headed for the kitchen. "Pops," he grunted.

"I don't have any Corn Pops."

Opening the cabinets, Maul grabbed the first cereal he saw and tipped the box into his mouth.

"Those are shredded wheat!" Obi-Wan protested with a giggle. "They're good for you."

"Mph," Maul grunted, heading for the fridge. Grabbing a Guinness, he cracked it open, poured it into the box of shredded wheat, and kept eating.

"I thought you hated Guinness!"

Maul shrugged, blinked, and kept noshing.

Obi-Wan draped himself across the kitchen table and asked, "Wanna fuck?"


"Maybe when you're finished with the shredded wheat. I have to say, Maul, the thought of you willingly consuming Guinness makes me really hot."

Maul snorted and dumped the empty soggy shredded wheat box on the floor. "Chocolate?"

Obi-Wan dashed to the fridge, pulled out some Hershey's syrup, ripped off his shirt, and squirted it all over his bare torso. "Come and get it, big boy."

Maul just grabbed the Hershey's container and upended what was left directly into his mouth.

With a fetching pout, Obi-Wan wiggled out of the rest of his clothes, grabbed a jar of honey, and smeared it over his nether regions, giggling madly all the while. "Honey for my honey?"

Maul rolled his eyes and started eating frozen burritos right out of the freezer.

"Foo." Obi-Wan headed back for the cabinets, pulled out a box of Count Chocula, and started sticking cocoa puffs all over his honey and chocolate syrup-covered body. "Come and get it!"

Maul snarled, blinked, and grabbed for the box, but Obi-Wan upended it with a saucy grin. "Sorry, it's empty. You want Count Chocula, you have to eat it off of me."

Maul stopped and thought for a moment, then headed back to the living room and started eating the pizza box.

"You want pizza?" Obi-Wan asked. "You've got it." He pulled a bag of pepperoni slices out of the fridge and applied them to his sticky body, then grabbed a bag of shredded cheese, lay on the kitchen table, and sprinkled it liberally all over himself. "I've got everything you need, munchie boy!"

Maul froze, turned, and stared. "Pizza..."

"That's right."


"All over me!"


Obi-Wan leapt up, grabbed a bag of Lays (his favorite), and put them in suggestive patterns on his body.

"French onion dip?"

"Check," Obi-Wan said, smearing it liberally on his erection and lying back on the kitchen table again.

Maul stalked back to the kitchen, stopping only to eat a full bag of frozen tater tots, some leftover nerf lo mein, a bag of peeps, and a bottle of strawberry shampoo, and then started hungrily licking Obi-Wan's food-encrusted chest with gusto.

"Oh, yes Maul! Oh baby! Oh, I'm so close!" Obi-Wan cried, desperately shoving Maul's head further down his body. Maul's hungry mouth started following the conveniently placed trail of potato chips, and Obi-Wan giggled with delight. "Yes! Yes! Wait, no! Wrong way! Ignore the Count Chocula. Focus on the chips. Yes! Chips lead to dip! Follow the chips! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh...huh? Hey! Why'd you stop?"


It appeared that Maul was finally sated.




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