Showdown at the Kenobi Corral
by Siubhan and Katherine the Art Chick
[Read Siubhan's author bio]
"Mary Sue, you're too good to me," Ben-Wa said with a grin as the maître d showed the two of them to the finest table at Chez Wookiee. "Wait, why are there three chairs?"
"Obi-Wan's just running a little late."
"Did you have to invite him?" Ben-Wa whined. "He's off his meds now."
"I know. I like him better that way."
"I don't. He's an asshole. Ben-Wa slumped angrily in his chair, then started licking his butter knife.
"Quit licking the silverware!!! Dammit, we haven't even started eating yet."
"Gotta prep my place setting," he winked.
"You sure you aren't on Perkium?" Mary Sue grumbled.
"No, I'm just naturally happy. Hey, did you know that Obi-Wan was on Ritalin as a kid? He couldn't sit still, so Mam and Da drugged him senseless until they read some stupid report about it being bad for kids."
"They were the happiest years of my life," Ben-Wa beamed. "I got all the attention, plus he never beat me up once. Then he started stealing cars and taking drugs and suddenly Mam and Da spent all their time worrying about him. Selfish pig." He was so caught up in happy reminiscences that he didn't even notice Mary Sue's horrified face or Obi-Wan's arrival.
"Hey, sorry I'm late," Obi-Wan said as he slid into the third seat.
"What's the problem? Too good for your own siblings?" Ben-Wa taunted. "Other things more important than showing up on time for a dinner date with your blood family?"
"Actually, I was at the Jedi Temple doing training exercises. Remember the Jedi Temple? Oh, that's right. You washed out. I forgot."
"With that attitude, you're gonna wash out too if you don't watch it!"
"I don't think so. Unlike some members of my family, I have talent."
"Boys!" Mary Sue threatened.
"I was just telling Mary Sue that you took Ritalin as a kid."
"What? How the fuck did that come up?" Obi-Wan snarled as he twisted his braid around his finger.
"See, he's still twitchy," Ben-Wa noted victoriously.
"Am not. I just have a lot of energy."
The table started shaking rhythmically, and Mary Sue peeked underneath. "Um, Obi-Wan. You're doing that."
"Stop kicking the table leg!" she snapped.
"I wonder if they make adult Ritalin," Ben-Wa mused.
"I am not taking any more damn drugs!"
"No you're not," Mary Sue interjected before Ben-Wa managed to get off another taunt. "Okay, you have a lot of nervous energy. That's fine. Just don't kick the table leg, okay?"
"No prob, sis," Obi-Wan said as he pushed himself up off the chair and tucked both legs under his butt. After a slight pause, Obi-Wan's chair started to shake.
"He's wiggling his knees," Ben-Wa said with a shit-eating "I told you so" grin.
"Ben-Wa, drop it," Mary Sue threatened.
Ben-Wa pouted, then reached across the table to grab Obi-Wan's fork. With a growl, Obi-Wan grabbed his wrist and said, "You lick my fork, you die."
"Oh, come on, we're twins!"
"That doesn't mean I want to share your germs."
"What about Qui-Gon?" Ben-Wa asked, waggling his eyebrows.
"We don't share him."
"Gimme a break! He shares with everyone!"
Tossing one leg over the arm of his chair, Obi-Wan barked, "I'm not fucking him anymore."
"Yeah, but you still have his cooties. Which means you have Mace Windu cooties... and MY GERMS!" he finished triumphantly.
"Cooties? How fucking old are you? Jeezus! Grow up ye daft cunt!"
"Oh, bite me."
"Ew! You're my brother!"
Flinging his arms wide, Obi-Wan cried, "Call the press! Ben-Wa admitted to having one standard!"
"You're NO fun. Besides, I'm not a cunt, I'm a prick. Wanna see?" Ben-Wa moved to unzip his pants, waggling his eyebrows threateningly.
Mary Sue thumped her knife threateningly on the table and barked, "Put 'em away boys!"
Under his breath, Obi-Wan grumbled, "I'm going to get a DNA test. With any luck, we're fraternal."
Ben-Wa sucked lasciviously on his spoon for a minute, then asked, "Is Qui-Gon really all mine? Cool. I wonder if he'll let me live at his place for free. At least until I find a job. Sigh."
"Take him! You two deserve each other."
"Really? Thanks!" Ben-Wa said brightly. Obi-Wan ground his teeth. "Of course I'll have to share with Master Windu. Mmm, I wonder if we'd all fit in his bed!" He slobbered visibly, then grabbed a breadstick and started fellating it. Obi-Wan tossed his other leg over the arm of the chair and rolled his eyes. Ben-Wa stuck his tongue out him.
"Put that away. Force only knows where it's been!" Obi-Wan said.
"Lots of places yours has been, too," Ben-Wa sneered back. "Want a list? Alphabetical or chronological?"
"No, thank you," Obi-Wan sneered back. "I'm not interested."
A waiter cautiously approached the table, took one look at the scene, and scuttled off in the other direction.
Mary Sue drummed her fingers on the table and yelled, "BOYS!"
"Well," Obi-Wan said with a sarcastic smile, "I hope you enjoy my leftovers."
With an inane giggle, Ben-Wa said, "I'm not proud."
"No shit." He started playing with his braid again.
"I may have to start practicing on a baseball bat. I'm probably rusty."
"Maul taught me how to projectile vomit, you know," Obi-Wan threatened.
"Goddammit!" Mary Sue barked, "This is the last time I take you two to a nice restaurant! Next time, if there is a next time, we're going to McEwok's."
Turning big limpid eyes on his sister, Ben-Wa pouted, "I'm sorry."
Mary Sue turned expectantly to Obi-Wan, who merely scowled, "I'm not."
"I don't know why he doesn't like me. He's never liked me. We must be fraternal twins like you and me. He got the asshole gene," Ben-Wa sulked.
"And apparently I got the functional brain gene, you talentless bimbo."
"He never lets me have any fun. And he won't let me stay in his apartment!"
"Get a fucking job, you sponge!"
"Gee, maybe I should go into Jedi rehab like you." Ben-Wa stuck out his tongue.
"That's it. I'm kicking your ass!" Obi-Wan growled as he jumped out of his seat and stalked around the table.
With a squeal of "Mommy!" Ben-Wa hid behind Mary Sue.
"Mary Sue, get the fuck out of the way. This is between me and that stupid fuck of a twin brother of mine!!!!"
"I don't know WHY he hates me so much," Ben-Wa whined as he dodged his irate brother. "What did I ever do to him?"
Mary Sue shrugged and said, "Well, there was the time you tried to kill him."
"Yeah!" Obi-Wan agreed.
"Were you in any real danger? I think not," Ben-Wa smirked. "I couldn't kill a tossed salad." He stuck his tongue out again. "You're just mad 'cause I was right about you and Qui-Gon, and then you didn't even follow my advice!"
"Like I really want relationship advice from YOU," Obi-Wan snarled.
"Hey, my love life usually doesn't suck. Yours usually does. So who here is dumb?"
"I'm SO kicking your ass!"
"Sit down," Mary Sue commanded. "Both of you." One mild whammy later, the twins grudgingly settled back into their chairs.
"I'll deal with you later," Obi-Wan threatened.
"I run faster than you do."
"As a hobby, not a profession."
Mary Sue smirked.
"Oh, I get it. Well then, if it's my job, where's my money?"
"Ask Qui-Gon when you see him later."
"Stop being mean to me or I'll lick the salt shaker."
"Lick away, bucko. Lick well enough, and maybe he'll give you room, board, and a stipend."
"Is that supposed to be an insult? Sounds like paradise to me."
"You would think that, you vapid whore!"
"I'm not vapid!"
"I rest my case."
"I think I liked you better on drugs. You're mean."
"I think I liked you better when I was on drugs too. I forgot how fucking annoying you really are."
"Plenty of people like me."
"That's because you lick them."
"Fuck you. I'm outta here. Mary Sue, it's been lovely. Ben-Wa, get a life."
"Fine. Don't call unless you're ready to be nice."
"Don't wait up!" Obi-Wan called over his shoulder as he stalked out the door.
"This was a disaster," Mary Sue sighed as she whammied the waiter into bringing her a Long Island Ice Tea.
Ben-Wa whined, "Why is he so mean to me? What did I ever do to him? Aside from the attempted murder thing..."
"Sibling rivalry. Be glad we weren't raised together."
"And yeah, Mam and Da did like me best, but that's because I behaved without medication, and didn't steal cars to support a drug habit. And I got into the Jedi Academy through normal channels instead of through rehab. Oh, and I did have a fabulous singing career going for a while. But can't he see past all that?"
"No one annoys you like family. You should have heard the fights Mom and I had as teenagers. It puts you boys to shame."
Ben-Wa looked around the table for some new silverware to lick. "Hey! Obi-Wan nicked his place setting!"
"Great. Fucking great. That stuff was pure platinum. Oh well. Not like I can't afford it."
"You still like me, don't you Mary Sue?"
"Sure, I like you."
"Um, you are paying for this, right? I'm broke."
Rolling her eyes, Mary Sue sighed, "Yes, I'm paying. I invited you, didn't I?"
"Great! Um, Can I borrow cab fare?"
"How about if I just give you a ride?"
"Cool! Um, can I get money for a hotel too?"
"Why don't you stay in my guest room for a day or two until you find other accommodations? Like, say, Qui-Gon."
"Thanks sis! You're the best!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm the best." Damned sister thing! she thought. Anyone else I'd tell to shove it! He'd just think dirty thoughts if I told him that, the vapid whore.
"Sis? Do you have a baseball bat I can borrow?"
"If you borrow my baseball bat for some nefarious purpose, I don't EVER want it back."
"You're the best!"
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