Extra Bits for Shiny, Happy People
by Katherine the Art Chick
Non-canon only because it's serious.
"I want my padawan released at once!" Qui-Gon bellowed at the Happy Farms receptionist. Unimpressed, she snapped her gum at him.
"Sorry sir. I'm going to have to ask you to keep your voice down."
"You will release my padawan to me at once," Qui-Gon said with a wave of his hand.
"Sir, you can't whammy Happy Farms staff," the receptionist said, blowing a bubble, then popping it. "They only hire unwhammyable species."
"I want to talk to your supervisor!" Qui-Gon demanded.
"Aw, MAN, why do I let you talk me into these things?" Mace groused, pulling on his boots.
"You love me, for some reason," Qui-Gon observed dryly. "You won't be sorry, I promise."
"Yeah, yeah, you promise," Mace said sarcastically. "I haven't even dropped the charges against your twerp padawan yet and I'm already sorry. He'd BEST not do it again."
"Was anything missing besides your wallet? I'll make him return whatever it is, or replace it myself."
"Just my lube, and I don't EVER want that back. He can keep it."
"I owe you a bottle of lube."
"You owe me a lot more than a bottle of lube, man."
"Does this mean you're not going to convince the council to spring him?"
"Force, Qui, give it up."
"Oh, well. Guess I'll just have to whore myself to Yoda," Qui-Gon said casually.
"He's wanted me for years, you know. Something about my large hands..."
"FINE, I'll do it. You are SUCH a shit, man." Mace gave Qui-Gon a dirty look. "You're lucky I love you, 'cause if I didn't I'd have to kick your ass for this."
"Stay where he is, Obi-Wan will."
"But...!" Qui-Gon retorted. Yoda gave him a dirty look. Qui-Gon looked around and didn't see much sympathy from the rest of the council.
"Stealing car and credit card cry for help is."
"He was just angry with me."
"Tried to convince me, Master Windu did. Think you must have given him very good blow job, I do."
"TMI," Adi Gallia said. "Not a mental image I needed."
"I just think you should let Qui-Gon handle it. Happy Farms obviously can't do shit with the boy," Mace said.
"Agree with you, I do not," Yoda said. "Soft spot for his padawan Qui-Gon has. Thinking with his crotch he is."
"He dumped me," Qui-Gon said.
"Think he would take you back if you spring him, hmm?"
"No." He backed up his denial with a defiant stare.
"If honest with yourself you are not, honest with others you cannot be."
"Oh, fuck you," Qui-Gon said, and stormed out.
"Quite a temper, your boyfriend has," Yoda observed to Mace. Mace just chewed on a thumbnail.
"I just don't know what to do," Qui-Gon told Mary Sue. They'd taken to hanging out in the waiting room watching her lawyers harass the staff.
"Follow the money," Mary Sue suggested. "Who's paying? the council?"
"No, Obi-Wan's insurance... Oh. Oh, shit. You're a genius!" Qui-Gon beamed evilly, and pulled out his cell phone.
"What are you doing?" Mary Sue asked.
"Canceling his insurance."
Qui-Gon put the paper bag with the outfit Obi-Wan had been wearing when arrested on the dining room table. "You okay?" he asked his padawan. "You need anything?" He was startled when Obi-Wan wound his arms around him in an answer.
"Just you," the padawan murmured before giving his master a passionate kiss. Qui-Gon froze, startled. "What's the matter?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Qui-Gon said. "We broke up."
"We did? Why did we do that?" Obi-Wan whined, and kissed Qui-Gon again. "Let's make up." His voice dropped to a husky, seductive whisper. "I WANT you."
Ruthlessly squashing an overwhelming desire to go ahead and screw his padawan senseless, he pulled away and said, "Pack an overnight bag. We're spending the night at my place."
Obi-Wan giggled, "Do I really need to bring anything besides a g-string and a smile?" and gave Qui-Gon a quality groping. Qui-Gon gently removed Obi-Wan's hands and kissed them. They were shaking.
"We won't be sleeping together. Bring a change of clothing and a toothbrush. That sort of thing." Obi-Wan pouted and went to go pack. Qui-Gon glanced at the paper bag, and decided to bring it.
Obi-Wan woke up in Qui-Gon's guest bed with Qui-Gon wrapped around him. Despite their both being fully clothed, and remembering that nothing happened, he had a strong desire for personal space. He couldn't stop shaking, but he ordered a pizza.
Obi-Wan jumped, then relaxed. "Sorry."
"I woke up and you weren't there. It scared me."
"Scared? Of what?"
"What have you got?" Qui-Gon asked with a wink.
"I'm fine. I ordered pizza."
"Mind if I smoke a little weed before it gets here? This kind of stress always makes me queasy, and it'll settle my stomach." Obi-Wan noticed that Qui-Gon looked tired, and his eyes were red and swollen.
"It's your house," Obi-Wan observed.
"Yeah, but I'm asking if you mind 'cause I don't plan on offering you any." He grinned, but the grin faded fast. "Pot and Valium don't mix, as far as I know... You DID take your Valium, didn't you? It's supposed to prevent muscle spasms from the electroshock... In fact, maybe the second hand smoke..."
"Sit by a window," Obi-Wan suggested. I had electroshock? he thought, then getting arrested started coming back to him. It was still pretty hazy, but he remembered sex on a car hood.
Qui-Gon went to the bookshelf and pulled a pipe and a baggie of pot from behind some books. As he loaded the pipe, he said, "You are forbidden to ever go nuts again. No grand theft auto. No grand larceny. I'm too old for this shit." He sighed.
"What about indecent exposure and lewd and lascivious conduct?" Obi-Wan asked.
"To that I say, you go boy, and keep up the good work," Qui-Gon said with a grin. Obi-Wan snickered. "I don't give a shit if you get in trouble. I just don't want to worry about you. No padawans in the nuthouse or prison. I'M the master, if anyone here ends up in prison or the nuthouse it's gonna be me! Got that?"
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan grinned, but the grin didn't reach his eyes.
"Man, I need a vacation, but I'm too dirt cheap to do it. Maybe I should get locked up! Free room and board, free drugs... what's not to like?" He dragged his chair over to the window, opened it, and lit up. The doorbell rang. "Your pizza. Go, pay," Qui-Gon said, handing his padawan money.
It wasn't just the pizza. It was the pizza and Mace Windu. "Hey, man, Qui-Gon around?"
"Yeah. I'm glad you're here," Obi-Wan said, handing the pizza driver the money and taking the pizza.
"Yeah?" Mace asked, surprised.
"Yeah." Obi-Wan sighed. He considered saying more, but decided Mace would see for himself soon enough.
"So," Mace said, trying not to look alarmed at how tired Qui-Gon looked, "what's up?"
"Pizza," Qui-Gon said, putting the pipe on a table and moving to the couch for pizza. "Happy Farms makes him worse, not better."
"What convinced you?" Mace asked.
"Well, it was probably when the intelligent, mature young man who dumped me was released from Happy Farms a ditzy kid who didn't remember or care why he dumped me. Or maybe it was when his reaction to my reminding him we broke up was to whine and grab my dick." He pulled open the pizza box. "I had an excellent mantra: He'll hate you in the morning. He'll hate you in the morning. He'll hate you in the morning. Aw, man, no 'shrooms on the pizza?"
"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said.
"I don't forgive you. You know I like 'shrooms on my pizza," Qui-Gon said.
"I didn't mean the pizza."
"You okay?" Mace asked.
"I'm fine," Qui-Gon said. "Why wouldn't I be? After all, this just proves Adi Gallia's assertion that a person would have to be on drugs to want to have sex with me." He glanced over at Mace. "Want some drugs?"
"I must have permanently fried my brain," Mace answered with a wink. "Wanna leave the kid to his pizza?"
"No, I don't want to leave him unattended until I'm sure he's okay. He's still not completely himself." Qui-Gon sighed.
"I'm sitting right here," Obi-Wan pointed out.
"Ah! Much better!" Qui-Gon said cheerfully, biting into a slice of pizza.
"You don't seem like you're okay to me," Mace said. "You seem upset."
"Obi-Wan's entire relationship with me was a drug-induced bad idea. Why should that upset me?"
"That's not true," Obi-Wan said.
"That's what you say now. Tomorrow you'll be telling me how abusive our relationship was and how I unwittingly took advantage of the stoned kid." Qui-Gon put down the slice of pizza. "I can't eat that. I need a nap. Mace, stay here and watch him for me." He practically fled the room.
"Aw, MAN," Mace said. "I think he may need a babysitter more than you do, but if I go talk to him he'll feel like he can't bolt and has to come out here and be Mr. Responsible."
"Will he be all right?"
"Give him a minute. If he doesn't come back, we go after him. Eat your pizza."
Obi-Wan and Mace walked down the hall and knocked on Qui-Gon's bedroom door. There was no answer. Mace pushed it open.
Kenobi had been in his master's bedroom a few times, but he was always surprised anew. Old, battered, brightly colored Victorian dressers with peace signs and marijuana leaves painted on them, the canopy bed rails draped with love beads and old dried flowers, tie-dyed silk sheets, and the handwoven, homespun bedspread were combined in really bright and psychedelic color combinations to create an impression of thrift-shop hippy splendor. Obi-Wan always wondered how ANYONE managed to sleep there.
On top of an art deco nightstand that had seen better days, a CD player was quietly playing The Doors: "Before you slip into unconsciousness I'd like to have another kiss, Another flashing chance at bliss, Another kiss, another kiss." A multi-tailed whip lay casually next to the CD player.
Qui-Gon himself was curled up around a pillow on the bed. Mace silently climbed into bed and curled up behind Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan sat on the bed.
"I'm sorry, I'm trying not to dump on you," Qui-Gon told his padawan. "You don't need to worry about my problems. You have plenty of your own."
Obi-Wan leaned over and kissed his master lightly on the cheek. "Get some sleep."
"I don't think I can," Qui-Gon said.
"Why don't I tell you my favorite bedtime story?" Mace asked. "One of these days, Qui-Gon Jinn, you gonna be too old to be a slut. Then we gonna shack up and smoke weed and fuck like a couple of old arthritic minks. But you better hurry, 'cause at this rate we gonna be in the damn Old Jedi's Home with our wheelchairs parked next to each other when that happens. It'll be, 'Man, I'd give you a hand job, but my arthritis! I can't grip!'" Qui-Gon snorted a little. Encouraged, Mace added, "'Here, man, let me go down on you... wait, lemme take my teeth out first!'" Qui-Gon actually giggled. "'Aw, man, I wanna jump your bones so bad but your bones won't take it and neither will mine!'" Qui-Gon giggled even harder. "That's okay. You'll be all mine."
"Why don't I leave you two alone?" Obi-Wan said, with a tired grin that didn't really reach his eyes.
"I'm afraid to let you out of my sight," Qui-Gon admitted.
After a moment's silence, Mace said, "The kid needs his space, and you need to let go."
"Okay, but don't go anywhere, Obi-Wan. I had to cancel your insurance to get you out. Don't worry, it'll be reinstated tomorrow and if you get sick before then I'll pay for it..."
"What if they figure out your little trick?" Mace asked.
"Then I guess it's Yoda-fucking time," Qui-Gon answered. Mace shuddered.
"You'd do that for me?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Yeah," Qui-Gon answered simply and quietly, levelly meeting Obi-Wan's gaze.
Qui-Gon shrugged and looked away. "Go on, before I freak out on you." Obi-Wan left, quietly shutting the door behind him. "After Obi-Wan takes his trials, I'm never taking another padawan. I'm taking an extended leave of absence to find Jim Morrison. He's alive and well and living on Dagobah and I'm going to fuck him."
"What about me?" Mace asked.
"I'll share him with you."
"I meant I want you to fuck me."
"Now, or when I find Jim Morrison?"
"Any time you want me."
"What you said," Qui-Gon said passionately, pulling Windu into a kiss.
Email the author
To the Chronological Story Index
To the Author Story Index
Return to the Sith Academy Homepage
Back to Siubhan's House of Horror