Darth Maul: Phys Ed Instructor
by Anna Brogan
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This goes out to 576, especially Matt. They are the origin of this PT plan and I thank them for the use of it. Star Wars and its characters are Lucas', the Sith Academy is Siubhan's, I merely try to play nice in their yard with the other kids. Mat-Thew is mine (literally) so leave him out of any future endeavors.

"...Ninety-nine, one hundred!" Maul leapt to his feet and shook out his arms. He felt good, he felt strong, he was, you guessed it, hot shit. His mood was too good in fact. His happiness set off a red and black pager all the way across Courascant. Darth Sidious looked up. His eyes narrowed.

"This will never do." He muttered. He was at a Senate meeting, something about Force Meditation in public schools... irrelevant now. His apprentice was happy. He muttered his excuses and strode out of the meeting.

"Take me to The Lower Projects." He snapped to the government driver.

"Sir, this is Mace Windu's car and..."

"TAKE me to The Lower Projects."

"Yeshh siiir." The driver slurred, his eyes crossed.

"No wait. Better yet, take me to the Jedi Temple. I have an... idea."

The driver shuddered, feeling suddenly cold, despite the fact that it was just nice Senator Palpatine (for whom he had a sudden urge to vote).

***

"Certainly Senator. It would be my pleasure." Qui-Gon smiled. The two locked eyes for a moment. Qui-Gon licked his lips.

"I'll be right back, once I inform my ward of his new job." Palpatine purred. One last look-over and he left, adjusting a major hard on. That cheap whore of a Jedi Master would be the end of him. He would have to have Maul kill him someday...

***

"Master, please please please tell me you are joking." Maul stammered. He had just wrapped up his daily exercise routine, all three hours of it, and was ready to shower and then maybe go raid Obi-Wan's kitchen for some supplies. He had a new recipe...

"Be there at 0600, Maul. You are the new Physical Training instructor for Obi-Wan's class." Sidious said. He bent over and scratched My Apprentice's head. "Behind the ear? Is that better? Did little tikki-boo have an itchywitchy?"

How do you do that?! Maul snapped in his head.

I am a cat...

"Master, how can training Jedi possibly further the cause of the Sith?" Maul demanded. He knew the answer though, and almost wished he hadn't asked.

"Your work out will make them cry and quit. And it will hone your anger. You were happy a minute ago and I cannot allow that to happen."

"Yes, Master."

"And Maul,"

"Yes, Master?"

"For Force's sake don't wear that shirt to the Jedi Temple!"

Maul looked down at his favorite shirt and sighed. Perhaps Sith Lords Kick Ass would be a tad inappropriate. Someday they would reveal... Tuna. Yes, he really should put a can of tuna on the floor.

***

Exerpt from the PT diary of Jedi Padawan Team alpha, as penned by Mat-Thew.

Monday: Started the day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, (we were so cozy!) but found it well worth it when we arrived at the Team Room to find Obi-Wan's neighbor Maul waiting for us. (He is something of a god with shiny black skin, a full body tattoo, dancing eyes and a dazzling smile.) Maul showed us the machines and took our pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that our pulses were so fast, but we attribute it to standing next to him in his aerobic outfit. (Red and black...) Maul was very encouraging as we did our sit-ups, although our guts were already aching before we began from holding them in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a great week.

Tuesday: We drank a whole pot of coffee, but we finally made it out the door. Maul made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air... then he put weights on it! Our legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but we made the full mile. Maul's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. We feel great!

Wednesday: The only way we can brush our teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving our mouths back and forth over it. We all believe we have hernias in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as we didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Yugo in the Temple Lot. Obi-Wan cried. It was his. Maul was impatient with us, insisting our screams bothered the other teams. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when he scolds, he gets into this ominous nasally whisper that is nearly intolerable.) My chest hurt when I got onto the treadmill, so Maul put me on the stair monster. (Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Maul told me that sometimes elevators are sneaky and anyway it would help me get into shape. He said some other things too, but we were too busy trying to block out the annoying hiss of his voice to listen.

Thursday: Maul was waiting for us with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (We couldn't help being a half-hour late. It took that long for us to tie our shoes.) Maul took us to work out with dumbbells. When he wasn't looking I ran away and hid in the boy's room. He sent that little ass-kisser Obi-Wan to find me, then as punishment, put me on the rowing machine... which I sank.

Friday: We hate Maul more than any Jedi has ever hated any Sith ever in the history of the universe. Not that there is such a thing as a Sith, but we hates him, we hates him forever! (Stupid, skinny, anemic little ironman wannabe). If there was a part of our body we could move without unbearable pain we would hit him with it. Maul wanted us to work on our triceps. Any Wookiee can see we don't have any! And if you don't want to pay for dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells, or anything else that weighs more than a tissue! You are responsible for the damage. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Republican Guard. Why couldn't it have been someone softer like that nice Senator Palpatine who's been hanging around so much. He's so nice. He's always smiling at us...

Saturday: Maul left a message on our answering machine in his grating, horrible voice wondering why we did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine. However I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and had to watch eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: The Temple Van came and picked most of us up to be shipped to the Farm. Mace Windu said we were starting to show un-Jedi tendencies and that they had just the cure. As long as they don't unstrap me from this bed, I don't care. I quit anyway. I'm going to be a rocket scientist like my dad. Screw the Jedi.

***

Maul sat in his apartment, enjoying a game of Jedi Roadkill (uncensored). He was careful not to get too happy and set off his Master's pager. (A spoonful of double fudge soufflé had convinced the handbook to divulge how Sidious always seemed to know when Maul was happy.)

He couldn't help but smile to himself however. It only took one week to get the whole Padawan Team sent to the farm. Two of them had slipped into the Dark Side for good. Another two had simply quit and would never return to the program. Only Obi-Wan had escaped unscathed.

"Well, he is in pretty good shape." Maul conceded to the air. What a pity he was locked away at the farm. But a little Andy Griffin would do him some good. He always came back from there slack-jawed and submissive...

Please don't go there, My Apprentice thought at Maul, stomping into the kitchen. Maul shrugged. Oh well, even if he had almost revealed himself in his rage a few times, it had almost been fun making the Padawans suffer like that. Maybe his Master would find some way to get him back into the Temple.

***

"So, how are they doing?" Sidious asked Qui-Gon in passing.

"Oh, fine." The Jedi said testily. He may have been screwing the Senator from Naboo, but Palpatine was still a civilian and Qui-Gon was not about to air out any dirty laundry. Especially since it was all his ward's fault anyway!

Sidious, hearing every word, grinned to himself as he walked off. Aside from guaranteeing "make-up" sex with Qui-Gon that night, having the Jedi treading the Dark Side line was great. He was lapping it up. He really must find another way to get Maul into the Temple.

END

(9/23/99)