Darth Maul Paints His Apartment
A Sith Academy story
by Sharon Bond
Darth Maul, Darth Sidious, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Qui-Gon Jinn are all owned by Lucasfilm, blah, blah, blah.
Darth Maul lounged languidly in his filthy, hot, and humid apartment. The AC had been broken for a week now, just as temperatures were hitting record highs for this time of year on Coruscant. It usually wasn't this hot until the annual Jedi Academy Homecoming Festival in August! Maul lay prostrate in the heat, cursing his landlord, feeling the hate build inside him; the landlord had installed the cheapest AC units he could find and Maul was 27th on the repair waiting list. Even Maul's Apprentice was affected by the heat--she had taken to lounging in front of the refrigerator. Maul had made many trips to the fridge that day, each time not knowing just quite why he was there, but grateful for the brief cooling effect.
Just as he was contemplating a trip to the local Dairy Queen for a cool, refreshing Blizzard (made with his favorite topping--diced Ewok), the apartment door swung open. "Maul!" barked Darth Sidious. "This place is filthy! The walls are disgusting--I cannot see the paint for all of the stains and gouges!"
"The holes, my Master, are from my practice sessions with my lightsaber. This room is only 10 feet wide, but my saber is almost 8.5 feet long. Sometimes the dark side takes hold so strongly that I do not realize how close I am to the wall."
"A Sith must always be aware. But for now, I believe that you must prepare yourself for your next lesson. Come, let us reveal ourselves to the people at the paint store."
The realization of what he was being tasked to do rapidly dawned on Maul. "Painting?!" he screamed. "You want me to paint, in this heat? Are you nuts?!"
Sidious smiled. "A Sith must learn patience, my young apprentice. And how to color-coordinate. Black is not always an appropriate color."
They quickly journeyed to the local Sherwin-Windu paint store. That twit Obi-Wan and his idiotic master Qui-Gon were already there.
"But Master, what's wrong with lime green walls with fuchsia trim? It would look so fa-boo!"
Qui-Gon looked sternly at Obi-Wan and intoned "Earth tones, young Padawan, are best for a Jedi. They connect you to the land, to be in touch with the Force. I suggest something in a beige or taupe."
Maul sensed that Obi-Wan was about to launch into yet another whining tirade. Just as the stupid twit approached a tall display stack of paint cans, Maul reached out with the Force, causing the entire display to fall on Obi-Wan.
"My display you wreck!" cried Yoda, the store manager. "Go you must!"
Maul looked around. It was all so confusing and so stupid. Who cared about what kind of paint he got--flat, satin, eggshell-satin, semi-gloss, gloss, high gloss? Who was this Martha Stewart and why did she have her own paint (though he did sense waves of evil emanating from those cans)? Around the store he flew, looking for some sense of direction. Ah, at last, a brand that seemed well-suited for a Sith--"Kilz."
Sidious ushered Maul over to the color displays. "Use the Dark Side, Maul--what colors feel the most evil to you? But remember, they must also be suitable for light entertaining when you too ascend to the Senate."
"What is this 'sage', my Lord?"
"Ah, an excellent choice. It is an herb, regarded as a weed on many of the planets to which it is indigenous. Get at least three gallons."
They went to the counter, paint cans in hand. Yoda looked them over. "Paint it is, that you have chosen. More you need. Pan you must buy, as well as rollers, pads, brushes, stirrers, trim kit, cleaning tools, and drop cloths. Will cost you much, 230 Republic credits." Maul forked over the cash, which he had been saving to get his AC fixed. Yet another notch in his long belt of reasons to strike down his Master.
Maul tiredly lowered his paint roller for the millionth time into the roller pan. His black robes lay in a heap on the floor, covered from head to foot in light-green paint spatters. He had donned his robes in a futile effort to avoid splattering himself, but abandoned them after a half hour of working in this infernal heat. His favorite "Sith Lords Kick Ass" t-shirt now had a giant splotch of green paint across the back where he'd leaned against a wall that he thought was dry. Sweat poured from every pore on his body as the temperatures in his apartment soared into the triple digits. Naturally, the only apartment left when he was looking was the one on the north-east side of the building, where no breezes came through the window. His horns itched from a combination of sweat and paint splatters.
Maul's Apprentice yowled most unhappily from the bedroom closet, where she'd been imprisoned for the last eight hours. No amount of mind whammying had improved her condition. Tracks of kitty footprints, in sage, wended their way throughout the apartment, covering the floor, the curtains, the kitchen counters, and his couch. He silently swore oaths at her, knowing that she would now need to be bathed after her brief attempt to nap in his roller pan. But at last, and two coats later, he was finished.
There was almost 2/3 of a gallon left of his last gallon of paint. What to do with the vile stuff? He didn't want to store it in his apartment.
Just then, Obi-Wan drove in and parked his brand new, Jedi Master edition Mustang convertible. He left the top down and parked right beneath Maul's balcony.
Maul smiled as he reached for the paint can...
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