Obi-Wan's Birthday Party
By Katherine the Art Chick and Darth J. Landry
[Read Darth Landry's author bio]
Disclaimer: The Star Wars stuff belongs to George Lucas. Sith Academy belongs to Siubhan. Everything else, what's left of it, belongs to us, and if you mess with it we'll sic Darth Mary Sue on you, so nyah! © (copyright) 1999 Katherine the Art Chick and Darth J. Landry.
With a special thanks to Brian for the beta and the baseball.
Maul sat on his balcony, drinking Pete's Wicked Ale and contemplating the joy of another day without his master, Darth Sidious. He was about to add his annoying-yet-oddly-enticing neighbor to the rejoicing when who was to appear on his own balcony with a Guinness but the twit himself.
Oh dear. He was snuffling. Time for Maul to make good his escape.
"H-Hi, n-n-neighbor!" Obi-Wan snuffled. If he had been wearing mascara, it would have been a goner.
Maul wondered what he could say that wouldn't be encouragement, and settled for "Hi." Apparently that was all the encouragement Kenobi needed, and he burst into tears. Deep, heartfelt, pitiful sobs.
"I'm s-sorry," Kenobi sniveled.
"What's the matter?" Maul asked, knowing he would regret asking but dreading the silence more.
"Tomorrow's my birthday!" Kenobi wailed, and started sobbing harder.
Somehow, Maul figured this was not an existential crisis centered around Kenobi's mortality and the meaning of life. Kenobi managed to control himself enough to go on after several more heartfelt sobs.
"I was wanting to spend it with Master Qui-Gon, but he's going out of town. For a week." He sobbed a little more, while Maul tried frantically to think of an excuse to leave. He knew that if this continued he'd end up "comforting" Kenobi in bed for several hours, and dammit, the "Friends" season finale was tonight.
"He said it was important Jedi business, and he couldn't tell me what it was. I know what that means!" He paused melodramatically, then sobbed, "He's spending my birthday with my twin brother instead of me!"
Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "As Coruscant Turns," Maul thought. Obi-Wan started sobbing so hard Maul thought he might hack up a lung or something. Pitiful, vulnerable, rhythmic, vibrating sobs... Shit, Maul had to think fast or else "Friends" was going to be a no-show.
"Why don't I throw you a birthday party?" He asked. Then he wondered if he had gone temporarily insane.
"Qui-Gon told me to quit seeing you," Obi-Wan sniffled. "Last time I defied him he sent me to the Jedi Happy Farm to be reprogrammed with Andy Griffith reruns." He shivered. Maul shivered as well. And people thought the Sith were cruel?
Obi-Wan started sobbing again, and Maul, in desperation, pointed out, "He'll never know. He's out of town, right?" The sobbing slowed to a pitiful sniffle. "Screw Qui-Gon. What are you supposed to do, sit at home alone on your birthday?"
"Yes, and meditate on my flaws as a padawan." Obi-Wan started sobbing afresh.
Qui-Gon was laying it on a little thick, Maul thought. He must still be mad about the ring.
Suddenly, a stroke of genius occurred to Maul. "We could blame it on your sister."
"Yeah," Maul said, warming to the idea. "It's her birthday, too, right? How are you supposed to say no to her wanting to throw a party for her long-lost brother? What kind of Jedi would you be if you broke your sister's heart?"
"I guess," Obi-Wan sniffled, brightening a little. "You think she'd do it?"
"Sure, she likes me," Maul said, soothingly.
"You're the best. If only Qui-Gon could see how sweet you are he'd never object to my spending time with you again!" Yeah, Maul thought, right.
"So," Maul said, standing, "I guess you have a guest list to make..." Obi-Wan burst into tears again. Oh, shit. "It's okay, just invite your friends from the academy..." Obi-Wan sobbed even harder, and Maul thought he would hack up several internal organs for sure.
"They hate me!" Obi-Wan wailed.
"What?" Maul asked, stunned. He thought the Jedi loved the perky little twerp.
"The other padawans! They say..." *sob* "they say..." *sob* "they..." *sob* Kenobi took a deep breath. "They say I'm sleeping my way through the program."
Maul was genuinely surprised. He thought all padawans slept their way through the program.
"It's not like that!" the padawan wailed pitifully. "I LOVE Qui-Gon!" He sniffled pitifully. "And most of the other guys from my club will be working..."
"Don't worry about it, I'll handle the guest list," Maul lied soothingly. "I'll handle everything." Obi-Wan looked up at him with grateful puppy-dog eyes, and Maul knew that if he didn't leave now... "In fact, I'd better call Mary Sue right now." He tried not to show undue haste going into his apartment.
The things a guy does to not miss his show.
"You have reached Mary Sue. I screen my calls. If I don't want to talk to you you will never reach me. Leave your name and number, unless I hate your face, in which case, bite me." *Beep!*
"Mary Sue?" Maul said. "Hello? I want to invite you to a party I'm throwing tomorrow night. In fact, I hear it's your birthday, and..."
"I'm busy," Mary Sue said, picking up the call.
"But it's your long-lost brother's birthday, too, and I happen to know that he would love to see you." You will come... you will wear leather... you will screw my brains out...
"Don't try to whammy me, Maul," Mary Sue snapped. "Just ask."
"Come to your brother's birthday party tomorrow at 8."
"So he can lie to his master and say it was your idea instead of mine."
"Actually," Mary Sue said, thoughtfully, "making Bill pay a thousand credits for ballet tickets and then breaking the date would be much better than actually going. I could even blame it on my brother." She cackled evilly.
"Thanks. So, you'll bring a couple of kegs?" Yes, I'll bring a couple of...
"The hell I will! Why should I?"
"Your brother's birthday?" Maul asked hopefully, sending his best whammy into the phone.
"I'm sure I'm touched by my brother's desire to bond with me, but not touched enough to bring a couple of kegs. You're throwing the party, you buy them." Her acidic tone could wilt flowers at twenty paces. There was nothing for it but complete honesty.
Maul thought about it for a second. "I'll put up flyers. Drunken padawans. You'll earn the money back in tips."
"Hell, I'll probably make a profit off drunk, horny padawans," Mary Sue said. "Deal."
Maul showed up at the liquor store to pick up the kegs for the party. Mary Sue had agreed to pay for them, not carry them.
"I'm here to pick up Mary Sue's order," he told the hairy, sweaty humanoid behind the counter.
"Lucky man," the humanoid answered, with open envy. "I'd pay a thousand credits for the honor of licking the mud off her boots, let alone carrying kegs for her."
"Ask her," Maul suggested. "For a thousand credits, she might let you." He hoisted a keg to load in the car.
Obi-Wan wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. He didn't mind ironing his own stuff, but Qui-Gon had left quite a pile of laundry behind when he left for the "important Jedi business." Qui-Gon was a very exacting man, and he would expect to get his underwear back with absolutely no wrinkles.
Somebody knocked. Well, kicked. Someone was kicking at his door with a very impatient foot.
"It's open," Obi-Wan yelled, working on some complicated pleats. This was Qui-Gon's favorite pair.
"No it isn't," replied a female voice. "My hands are full!"
Obi-Wan put the iron down and answered the door. His sister pitched through the doorway, clad head to toe in black leather, arms laden with bags of munchies, ice, liquor, plastic cups, and party decorations.
"Supplies!" she said.
"Yes, I'm surprised," Obi-Wan said. "Why the Neimodian accent?"
"Very funny. No, these are supplies for your party. Dammit, Obi-Wan, it's only an hour away. You're not really planning to wear that caftan to your own keg party, are you?"
"Go change. Got anything leather?"
Obi-Wan, in his leather pants and vest, started ironing again. "Forget that stuff," Mary Sue said. "Your party's going to be a hit. Everybody's talking about it. I think Maul did a really great job with the flyers, don't you?"
"Flyers?" Obi-Wan squeaked in horror, and sank into the sofa.
There was another kick-knock at the door. Numbly, Obi-Wan rose to answer it. This time it was Maul, with a half-keg under each arm and another balanced precariously on his head.
"Pete's Wicked Ale, Guinness Stout, and Alderaanian Ale," he said proudly, lining them up in the bathtub. Mary Sue followed with with bags of ice, packing them around the kegs.
"I can't have a keg party here!" Obi-Wan protested. "It'll make a mess, and I'll never clean up before Qui-Gon gets back... Mary Sue, is that Corellian vodka? I am NOT supposed to have that stuff in here!"
Mary Sue was dancing in her black leather pants and tight black shirt, entertaining the padawans, some of whom were giving her all of their money. Others were merely giving her obscenely high tips. Maul had vanished to play Jedi Roadkill 9--he had thought Kenobi was a twittering idiot until he met the other padawans, and now thought Kenobi was the best of the bunch. Obi-Wan was chugging down the Guinness and vodka in the corner watching the party blurrily.
Mary Sue and Maul had been right -- this was one rockin' party. Perhaps now the padawans would accept him as one of the gang.
"Hey, man, great party!" one of the guests told him. Obi-Wan grinned and attempted to focus on the speaker. His right eye managed to focus, but his left refused to cooperate.
"Thanksh," Obi-Wan slurred.
"Although," the guest continued, "I was really surprised to see your flyers. I didn't think you were the sort to party with the rest of us." Obi-Wan blinked confusedly. "So, what gives?" the guest continued, raising his voice to play to the crowd. "No council members to blow tonight?" Some more guests laughed. Mary Sue's eyes slitted in anger, and she quit dancing.
"You're just jealous," Obi-Wan said.
"Yeah," Mary Sue said. "At least he's attractive enough that someone would WANT him to blow them." The crowd hooted.
"Not only that, but you got the best looking master!" the guest announced drunkenly. "So, where is he? he and Master Windu have a date on your birthday?"
Mary Sue tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around, she kicked him out of the apartment... literally. He sailed into the door, knocking it off the hinges.
"I don't think that guy is funny," Mary Sue announced. "Does anyone else think he's funny?"
There were several seconds of silence.
"Thanks," Obi-Wan said. "You guys are the greatest."
A collective groan rose from the partygoers.
"No, really," he continued, in tears, lurching toward the munchie table. "You're, like, my best friends in the whole world." He grabbed a bowl of Ewok Crunchies and waved it at the padawans. "I want you to have this. Go on. Seriously, I love you guys. Everybody have some."
And then he passed out.
Maul and Mary Sue stared down at the unconscious Obi-Wan.
"He looks so cute and helpless with his thumb in his mouth like that... Oh, God, did I really say that? Am I premenstrual?" She calculated briefly. "Must be the nine months we spent bonding in the womb."
Cigarette butts and empty beer cups littered the floor. The carpet had strange stains on it, despite the fact that it's very difficult to stain a carpet that color. Doors were ripped off their hinges. Someone had vomited on the couch. Someone else had used Kenobi's bed and vomited into it. A pair of horrified hamsters cowered in their Power Ecosphere 9000s, aghast at the folly that was humanoid life.
"He'll never get this place clean," Maul observed.
"Poor guy," she said, and headed for the door. And stopped. She shook her head. She blinked. "Aw, shit," she said, turning back around. "Pick him up," she ordered Maul.
"What?" Maul asked.
"We're taking him back to my place, and then we're going to get someone to clean this place for him," she said irritably. "This sister thing kinda sucks," she muttered.
"Why should I?" Maul asked.
"I could whammy you, but you'll do what I ask without a whammy," Mary Sue said. She smiled evilly.
"No, I won't," Maul said defiantly.
"Maul?" Mary Sue said, sweetly, "do you like sleeping with me?"
Maul sighed heavily and hoisted Kenobi over his shoulder. With a smirk, Mary Sue gathered up the Power Ecosphere 9000s to load in the car.
Kenobi cracked one eyelid open, and was surprised to find no visual evidence for his head being split open and on fire and his mouth being full of Wookie hair. In fact, he pondered, Hell was surprisingly tasteful. A small, reassuringly dark, quiet bedroom with a black-on-black theme was not exactly what he expected. The door creaked open, and a searing ray of light assaulted his eyes. He groaned.
"You're awake," Mary Sue said quietly. "Want an ice pack for your head?"
"It depends," Obi-Wan croaked. "Am I alive?"
"Be right back," she said. He heard a horrible screeching squeak, and glanced over to the nightstand to see Fluffi-Wan running in his wheel. Fluffi-Wan stopped, got out of his wheel, and scrambled over to the wall closest to him to look at him. What a sweet hamster, to worry about his dying Master...
Mary Sue returned with an ice pack and put it on his forehead. "I sent over a herd of my slack-jawed admirers to clean your place," she said. "I thought it was for the best that you not even see it in that condition."
Obi-Wan groaned. A little too loudly. Ow.
"I hope you're not too upset," she said, "but your John Tesh and new age CDs were a total loss. I'm afraid the guests played lightsaber baseball with them when Maul and I were... uh, never mind." A strange expression crossed her face.
"What?" he asked, quiet yet gravelly.
"Nothing, I just could have sworn that your hamsters punched the air with their little paws and squeaked 'Yes!' Must be my imagination."
"Those were Qui-Gon's CDs," Obi-Wan croaked. "He's going to kill me." He groaned. "I just wish he would hurry."
Mary Sue patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. "Get some rest," she said. "You can stay in my guest room as long as you like. I'll figure something out."
"Did you really think I wouldn't know, my apprentice?" Sidious growled. Maul jumped, dropping the game controller. "A birthday party? Really, Maul, what were you thinking?"
"I didn't want to miss 'Friends,'" Maul answered.
"You didn't... enjoy yourself, did you?"
"I assume you are referring to the party and not 'Friends,'" Maul said. He scratched his horns. "I enjoyed the part where I left, came back here, and played Jedi Roadkill 9."
"And what did you learn from this experience, my young apprentice?" Sidious asked, and was startled by Maul's prompt answer.
"Only throw keg parties at the homes of your enemies."
"Excellent, excellent!" Sidious cackled. "You have learned well." He left, cackling, and Maul sank into the couch, relieved to have escaped punishment.
Qui-Gon returned from his "business trip" feeling refreshed, invigorated, serene, and ready to face his troublemaking padawan with a little more grace. Or so he hoped. He let himself in and was immediately pounced upon and hugged by an overjoyed Obi-Wan. "Oh, Master Qui-Gon, I missed you so much!" Qui-Gon beamed and squeezed his apprentice tight. This was more like it.
"There's someone I want you to meet," Obi-Wan said, taking Qui-Gon's hand and leading him into the living room. Qui-Gon was greeted with a low growl, and found himself face-to-face with an Alderaanian Mastiff. Literally. The animal was almost as tall as he was. Qui-Gon hoped fervently that his student hadn't gotten another pet.
"Down!" a woman's voice commanded. The dog slunk down obediantly. The woman rose, and walked into view... an attractive woman in jeans, sneakers, and a plain white t-shirt.
"Master Qui-Gon, this is my sister, Mary Sue. Mary Sue, this is Qui-Gon."
"Ah, yes," Qui-Gon said, composure regained. "I've wanted to meet you ever since Obi-Wan told me the interesting story of meeting you and his birth mother..."
"I'm so sorry," Mary Sue said, the picture of contrition. "I insisted I meet you when you got home so I could apologize to you personally. I feel just awful." She sighed sadly. "I guess I just have to come on out and say it. My dog ate your CDS."
Qui-Gon looked at Mary Sue, then looked at the dog. The dog bared its teeth at him. "Don't worry about it," he said, graciously.
"Obi-Wan was right," she simpered convincingly. "You're the best." Obi-Wan blushed, and Mary Sue ruffled his hair. "Do I need to leave you two boys alone?" Obi-Wan blushed even more deeply. Mary Sue grinned, gave her brother a peck on the cheek, and shook Qui-Gon's hand. "It was nice meeting you; I'm sure we'll all get together soon," she said sweetly. "Here, Cerberus!" she called as she headed towards the door. With a last look at Qui-Gon that said, Someday you will be dinner, the dog trotted happily after Mary Sue.
"What a nice girl," Qui-Gon said. "I'm glad to see you hanging out with a more suitable crowd." He considered saying more, but then he noticed that Obi-Wan was giving him his best let-me-show-you-how-much-I-missed-you look. Ah, it was good to be home.
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