Sith Academy: Maul Gets a Dose of His Own Medicine
By Maya, the Mad Mambolica
[Read Maya's author bio]
Darth Maul sat perched on the edge of his couch desperately trying to achieve a new high score in Jedi Roadkill V, a half eaten pizza lying in its open box beside him on the floor. His cat lay next to him, hunkered strangely as though in discomfort.
"MeeeerrOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, oooOOOOoooow, merooOOO." Maul paused the game and stared at his pet. He had never heard his Apprentice make such a pathetic and mournful noise before. The cat contracted into herself, and then coughed. Maul raised an eyebrow and set down the controls. The cat contracted again, coughed. Suddenly, as though she was exploding, she launched a most vile substance from deep within her. Maul leapt from the couch, Sith reflexes at the ready, as he watched the noxious substance hurtle onto his pizza. The cat staggered from the couch and onto the shag rug in front of the door where she promptly did a repeat performance.
He was still standing with his hands raised protectively, gaping in horror, as his Master, Darth Sidious, entered his apartment. Sidious gave Maul a perplexed stare and stepped forward.
"No, Master, watch where--" hollered Maul, gesticulating wildly at the floor. Too late. Sidious grimaced as he heard and felt his boot squish into the warm, juicy puddle of frothy bile on the carpet.
"Maul," said Sidious, his tone low and menacing.
"Yes, my Master?"
"I think your cat is ill." They both looked at My Apprentice. She had a glassy-eyed expression and her fur was standing on end.
"Yes, Master, I would have to agree."
"You will take her to the vet."
Maul stared at the little bottle of pills the vet had given him. They were such tiny little pills. The Sith read the label: "To be given twice daily." Well, thought Maul, it's time. He retrieved his listless kitty from his bed and took her to the kitchen counter. She lifted her gold eyes and looked at Maul. She looked so sick and pitiful.
"This will be quick, My Apprentice." Maul did exactly as the vet had shown him. He held his cat softly, but firmly, in his arms, placing her head in the crook of his elbow. He spoke to her: "There's a good apprentice. This will make you feel your demonic self again." He pried her mouth open and popped the tiny yellow pill into her open mouth. She barely protested. He let go of her and smiled.
"Well, that wasn't so hard."
My Apprentice coughed suddenly, spitting the pill out and giving Maul a nasty look. She went to leap onto the floor, but the Sith grabbed her.
"Oh no you don't, you have to swallow that!"
Maul held the cat tightly in his arms and pried her mouth open once more. This time she raised her front paw, claws extended and swatted his hand away. She squirmed. He held her tighter, pinning her leg to her chest so that she couldn't claw him again. He popped the little pill into her mouth again.
She flung her head violently, wriggling from his grasp and spitting the pill across the counter. Maul glared at her as he retrieved the pill from under the toaster-oven. The pill was starting to get a bit mushy, its yellow coating rubbing off on Maul's black fingers.
"Yes, yes, My Apprentice," said Maul as he scooped his kitty off the floor and set her back on the counter. "The Force does indeed run strong in you. However, you're sick and in need of medicine. Cooperate, damn it!" The cat scowled at him.
The Sith held her tightly, leaning over her with his body in order to hold her down even more effectively. He forced her mouth open for a third time, dropping the little mushy pill into it once more.
As Maul cradled his bloodied arm, the cat bolted into the living room where she scurried under the couch.
At least she'd swallowed the pill, thought Maul. As he washed his bitten arm under the tap, he looked down at his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" tee shirt. He felt the anger, the loathing, build inside him. There, stuck just under the "A" was the remains of the pill.
"I'm going to kill you!" he screamed, activating his lightsaber as he dashed into the living room. "Freaking CAT! GET THE HELL OUT HERE!!!!" He flipped over his couch and swung for his kitty's head. She scurried away, behind the television. "Damn you, it's for your OWN GOOD!" He sliced through the appliance in one clean arc, putting an end to the still-paused video game. The cat made a panicked escape back into the kitchen where she slid in behind the fridge.
He thrust the uninvited images of love and affection and tuna from his mind, too angry for the feline's sickly attempts at commanding him. "I swear, as Sidious is a sadistic bastard, I'm never going to feed you again AND I'm going to get a new cat."
He sheathed his weapon and sat on the floor. He couldn't do this alone. Yet he couldn't go and ask his Master for help. Sith didn't do that. He knew this was a test. He wouldn't fail. But he couldn't do it alone, he simply wasn't powerful enough. He resisted the urge to cry.
By Larkzen. Click to see larger image.
Wait, what was he talking about? He was the Master. Of course he could do it himself. Maul cleared his mind, letting the Force flow through him. He jumped to his feet and grabbed a towel from the heap on the bathroom floor. He upended the pill bottle again and retrieved a brand new pill and, towel in hand, he dragged his cat from behind the fridge. Quickly he wrapped her in the blanket, shielding his skin from her lethal claws. He backed the feline bundle up against the toaster oven and pressed her jaws open.
The doorbell startled the furious Sith and he dropped both the towel and the pill onto the counter, allowing, yet again for the little beast to flee.
Maul was also now bleeding in a new location.
He opened the door.
"YOU!!" He ignited his lightsaber and leapt like a man possessed at Obi-Wan, his twit neighbor.
The young Jedi screamed in mortal terror and ducked the swinging blade. He dodged to the left and down the hall. Maul ran after him, brandishing his fearsome weapon.
"QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Obi-Wan hollered as he tried to outrun the crazed Sith. The Jedi slipped on the stained institutional gray carpet and crashed to the floor.
Just as Maul was about to slice the little idiot in two, a new thought struck him. He stood over the pimply youth and smiled pleasantly. "Yes, Obi-Wan, what can I do for you?" He practically batted his eyelashes.
"I, er, that is," spluttered the breathless Jedi, "I just wanted to see if you had a bit of baking soda I could borrow. Qui-Gon and I are making cookies."
The Sith smiled and helped Obi-Wan up off the floor. "Well, sure, neighbor, I'll give you as much baking soda as you need if you just give me a hand with something."
Obi-Wan brightened up and clapped his hands together. The door to Obi-Wan's apartment opened and Qui-Gon stepped out into the hall, a look of concern on his face. He was dressed only in an apron with the slogan, "Kiss the chef... no, lower" written on it.
"Padawan, is everything alright? I thought I heard you scream."
"No, I'm fine, Master, my friend Maul was just fooling around with me." He giggled. Maul seethed with anger. One day, he knew, he would have his revenge...
"Oh, well, just as long as you remember to use a safeword." Qui-Gon said knowingly as he retreated into the apartment. The young Jedi turned his flushed face to Maul and looked at him coyly through his eyelashes.
"I hate you," Maul breathed quietly. He forced himself to smile, albeit half-heartedly, at the boy. "Come on, help me out, and you'll get your baking soda (up your ass)." He said the last bit under his breath.
Obi-Wan trotted obediently behind Maul and into the Sith's filthy apartment. The Jedi wrinkled his nose.
"Oh, don't you start, too!" ordered Maul before the other could comment.
Obi-Wan saw the cat balled up on the couch. He went over to her and stroked her fur. "Is she alright? She looks kind of, I don't know, unwell."
"She's sick. I got pills from the vet. Actually, I just need you to help me give one to her." The sooner the Sith could have the simpering little twit out of his apartment, the better. The last thing he wanted was for the boy to think he was welcome here.
Obi-Wan skipped into the kitchen, grinning. He looked back over his shoulder. "Is that your bedroom back there? I'd like to see it."
Maul coughed hard. "I'll get My Apprentice." He snatched the cat off the couch and set her on the counter, ignoring the Jedi's comment.
"Okay," started the Sith, "this won't be too hard. You hang onto her while I pop this little pill into her mouth. But you have to hold onto her no matter what. She's a little resistant." Maul said that last sentence with a menacing tone which made the Padawan a bit leery.
"Okay, neighbor, I'll hang on to her. She's just a kitty."
There was a commotion next door. Qui-Gon thought he heard his name being shrieked again, but figured it must have been the safeword, because everything got quite again. He was flattered by the choice of his name. He smiled warmly, knowing it might be a bit before the Padawan was back with the baking soda.
Obi-Wan was unconscious on the floor, head between the cabinets and the fridge. He was bleeding freely from three different places, including one which had rendered him unmoving. Maul was digging under the bed trying to get his hand on the cat without letting her rip it to shreds in the process.
Darth Sidious entered. His brow furrowed upon seeing the sprawled Jedi on the floor, and for a moment he feared something untoward had occurred. Then he heard his apprentice swearing at the cat from the other room.
"What is the matter, young one?"
Maul jumped to his feet. "I've been trying to administer a little yellow pill to My Apprentice for the better part of three hours, my Master. She will be the death of me. She very nearly killed that Jedi scum." He snickered slightly. "I had hoped she would, but she is sick, my Lord, weakened, and that twit did manage to hold on for a while."
"Hm," nodded Sidious. "Did you try the towel method?"
"Yes, my Master."
"Did you back her into a corner?"
"Of course, Master."
Sidious considered the fallen Jedi. "I suppose you tried getting help too." He looked pensive for a moment before his expression lifted. "Ah ha! You remove the Jedi and I shall give your pussycat her pill." Maul shrugged. He figured this must be one of those moments when it would be clear why Sidious was the Master. He dragged the Jedi out into the hallway and dumped him in front of the neighboring door, rang the bell and sprinted back to his apartment before he'd have to see Qui-Gon nearly naked again.
Maul stared at his cat. She was eating a bowl of tuna.
"You weren't supposed to feed her, Master, but give her one of those pills," he said pointing to the little bottle.
"I did, my apprentice." Sidious pointed at the tuna that the cat was happily eating. "I broke it up and put it into her dinner." Sidious smiled evilly. Maul stared at the cat. He stared at Sidious. Anger threatened to possess his being. His eyes burned and his tattoo turned three shades of brighter red. Sidious merely laughed. "Yes, my apprentice, strike out at me. Loose your wrath upon me."
Maul controlled his rage, knowing full well he was not yet ready for that. He hated his Master! Sidious grinned darkly. As he turned to leave Maul he said, "Really, I'm quite surprised you didn't try hiding it in her food first. It's just so obvious." His maniacal laughter echoed in the hall. "You should see a doctor about those cuts, too, they look pretty bad." Sidious smiled again and left. Maul resisted the urge to kick his cat, instead grabbing a glass jar of baking soda from a cupboard. He pitched it down the hall after his Master.
Ker-THUNK! He heard it hit someone.
"Obi-Wan, oh no! Look at you!"
"Hold me, Master."
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