Maul Lite
by Tzigana
and RebVe
[Read Tzigana's author bio] [Read Rebve's author bio]

Disclaimer: George owns the characters, we just borrowed them to play with. We promise to put them back when we're done! Huge thanks to Siubhan for giving us the Sith Academy to play in!

P.S. Apologies in advance for any inadvertent cuteness on Maul's part. He wasn't himself.

Darth Maul, Sith Apprentice, woke up in Obi-Wan Kenobi's bedroom, someone's face nestled in the back of his neck.

"Oh Shit," he thought as he rolled over, "I slept with.....Qui-Gon Jinn?"

Maul's first instinct was to leap out of bed and run screaming back to his own apartment. However, since Qui-Gon was lying over his legs and keeping him from moving too much, he had to scratch that plan. His next thought was more along the lines of "what the hell?"

Slowly, his wits came back to him. He was sleeping in Kenobi's bedroom because his apartment was being fumigated (for the third time this month - RAIDERS Extra Strength, guaranteed to wipe out bugs, rodents, emerging civilizations and pre-sentient life forms). Kenobi was away for a few days, so Maul was "watching the hamsters". Qui-Gon must have forgotten.

Taking a cautious sniff, Maul was almost knocked out by the smell of alcohol coming from Qui-Gon. The Jedi Master must have really tied one on to not realize he had climbed into bed with Maul and not Kenobi! He also must have been too drunk to try anything, or Maul would have woken up.

At that moment, Qui-Gon stirred and opened his eyes. Then he proceeded to leap backwards out of the bed, flattening himself against the opposite wall.

Maul used every bit of his Dark Side control to keep from laughing, and instead, lounged against the pillows and cooed "Good morning Master Jinn."

"Er, yes, ahem, good morning." Qui-Gon was looking rather confused. He was also looking for his pants.

"I have to say, the things Obi-Wan told me about you didn't do you justice." Maul crawled across the bed and swung his legs to the floor. He stretched like a cat, then stood up and paced towards the flustered Jedi. "I guess there's something to be said for experience," Maul purred.

"Oh, well, yes, ahem, that is, er..."

"Well, I have to be in a class in an hour. Do you mind if I use the shower first? Or would you like to join me?"

"NO!, er, I mean no thank you. I'll just be off to my own rooms." Qui-Gon was dressed and out the door before Maul could even say good-bye.

Maul spent the next half hour laughing his head off.


Two days later, Maul was slumped on the couch trying to remember what menial task it was that his master had set for him before he left, when his apartment door slammed open. With a sigh, he turned toward the entry, half-expecting to see Sidious himself.

"HOW COULD YOU!" shrieked a very angry Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"Huh?" Maul replied brightly, momentarily distracted by the Padawan's flushed cheeks and heaving chest.

"You slept with Qui-Gon! How could you? I thought we were friends!"

"Oh, that."

"OH THAT!? You betray me with my own master and all you can say is 'Oh That'?!? You, you, YOU SITH!" Kenobi screamed, using the worst insult he could think of. He was rapidly working himself into hyperventilation. This looked like it could be fun.

"Tsk tsk, 'Anger leads to hate, blah blah blah'," Maul replied.

"I don't care! I think I do hate you!"

"Well since you're sleeping with both of us, we just wanted to see what the other one had to offer. Qui-Gon is quite . . . well, quite. I had been sitting here thinking we should organize a little threesome."

"What!" screamed the Padawan, the look on his face was priceless. "We can't do that!"

"Why not? Maybe you should ask your master about it, he seemed into the idea." Maul was starting to get warmed up.

Big tears started to well up in Obi-Wan's eyes. Maul checked the clock. That was quicker than usual. Anger he enjoyed, but Obi-Wan crying? No good.

"Oh, fine, if you're going to go all watery on me. The truth is nothing happened," Maul said, disappointed in being denied Obi-Wan's anger.

"I don't believe you!" Kenobi shouted, momentarily forgetting the tears.

"Really, nothing happened." Quickly, trying not to laugh in Obi-Wan's face, Maul explained the circumstances.

"Then why did he break up with me?" Kenobi wailed, looking again like he was about to cry. "He said he'd found someone else! That he wasn't looking for someone, that it was an accident, he didn't mean for it to happen. Then he told me he'd slept with you!" Tears were definitely glittering in his eyes again.

Maul sighed once more, he'd thought he'd be able to get away without the tears. "Look, I don't know what your master is smoking, but nothing happened and I haven't even seen him since!"

"But he said it had been wonderful," Obi-Wan protested and then gave a small, secretive smile. "And I thought you were my little secret." He reached out to touch Maul's chest.

Maul felt a little twinge of queasiness and something else closer to the groin area that he attributed to queasiness and backpedaled. "I can't imagine what he thinks happened. I'm sure he's just gone a little nutso and he'll forget all about me by tomorrow. Or maybe he already has."

Just then a messenger arrived and, finding the door open, wandered in. "I have a dozen roses for a Mr. . . . Male?" he said quizzically, trying to read the handwriting on his delivery slip.

"Maul," Maul growled back at the boy. He was about to tell the boy what he could do with the flowers when Obi-Wan intervened, snatching the card from among the blossoms.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo," came the familiar cry and it suddenly dawned on Maul who the flowers must be from.

With a little Force nudge he sent the messenger on his way without a tip and went to take the card from Obi-Wan's unresisting fingers. To my surprise lover, may we meet again sometime. How about dinner tomorrow night at 8:00 p.m. I'll pick you up. Wear leather. Jinn. Maul felt ill. Come to think of it, he felt that way a lot when it came to Obi-Wan's master. Maybe there was a pill for it. He thought back to his last trip to the doctor, nah, even if there was a pill, getting it wouldn't be worth it.

He remembered Obi-Wan then and looked over. The twit was now a quivering lump in the middle of Maul's couch. Maul sighed heavily. He'd had a nice evening planned. "Friends" would be on in a few minutes. Darth Mary Sue had promised to come over to watch it since her T.V. was broken. And, best of all, Sidious was out of town. Life was good!

A whimper from the couch and the prick of a rose thorn in his hand reminded him that actually life hated him in new and more inventive ways every day.

Chucking the unwanted roses somewhere near the trash can, he went over to Obi-Wan and sat down next to him. "Stop crying, already! You and your master are both driving me crazy."

"He drives you crazy!" Obi-Wan wailed, jumping to the wrong conclusion. "That's what he said about you!"

Maul's anger was being honed with each wail out of Obi-Wan. "What did I just say? Stop crying!" Maul whammied at Obi-Wan to turn off the waterworks.

The twit's head popped up, suddenly dry-eyed. "Are you going to go out with him?"

Maul couldn't resist. "I don't know. Sure, why not if he's paying. I haven't been out to dinner in awhile. Maybe he'll buy me some stuff."

Obi-Wan opened his mouth to wail. . .

"I'm warning you . . ." Maul said.

Obi-Wan closed his mouth.

Maul shrugged and continued. "Actually, I don't I have any interest in dating your master. No offense, neighbor, but Qui-Gon's not really my type."

"What is your type?" Obi-Wan asked slyly.

"Leggy women with sizable boobs," Maul said. He watched Obi-Wan's face fall. Perfect. The Padawan's misery was washing over Maul like sun on a hot day. He felt stronger by the minute.

Obi-Wan looked thoughtful for a minute. "You will let him down gently, won't you?" he asked, a worried look entering his pretty blue eyes. "You can be a little rough sometimes. And I would hate to think of Qui-Gon getting hurt."

Maul was trying to remember being rough. Well, there was the time . . . what was Obi-Wan saying?

"Obi-Wan, if I let him down easy, what would be the fun in that?" Maul replied.

Fresh tears welled up in Obi-Wan's eyes.

Maul continued, "I mean, I could really make a game of this. It could actually be fun. He'll never know what hit him."

The tears brimmed over and Obi-Wan started sobbing.

Good grief, thought Maul. If the twit had hot and cold taps he could rent him out as a shower. He'd flood the whole building if this kept up. "What's the matter now?" Maul snapped.

Between sniffles Obi-Wan managed to get out "It's just, I would hate to think of you using the Dark Side on my poor master."

Maul stood up. "What do you think I would use if I didn't use the Dark Side?"

Obi-Wan was fiddling with a frayed bit of the couch, enlarging a hole that My Apprentice had started. She looked on with approval from the corner and went to join him. "Oh, look, it's my favorite puddy-wuddy tat. Come here sweetie-pie," Obi-Wan said when he saw her. He immediately seized her, flipped her over and began on a good cuddle/scritch fest. My Apprentice purred. Maul was about at the end of his rope.

That's pathetic he thought to his apprentice.

**He's not crying anymore is he? You be quiet and let me get scritched.** came the reply with a little subtle paw waving.

"Obi-Wan," Maul prompted. His question remained unanswered.

Kenobi looked up from scritching as though he finally remembered that Maul was there. "What did you say again?"

"The Dark Side. What do you expect me to use if I don't use the Dark Side?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, I guess I just thought you could, you know, do without. Or I guess you could use the Light Side."

Use the Light Side? Maul was aghast. "Obi-Wan, sometime we need to sit down and have a serious talk about the conditions of my apprenticeship."

"We could talk now. It's not like anybody's at home . . . waiting for me," Obi-Wan said, choking back a sob.

Maul felt more and more like he wanted to pummel something. He wanted everybody out of his house. He wanted to stop having this discussion with Obi-Wan and he definitely did not want to receive attentions from Qui-Gon Jinn.

Just then Maul's front door opened again. "How come nobody knocks on my door?" Maul asked as Darth Mary Sue wandered in, snapping her gum.

"Hey Maul, hi bro," Mary Sue said as she plopped a grocery sack onto the coffee table. "What's going on?"

"Is that beer?" Maul and Obi-Wan asked simultaneously.

"Well, yeah, but it looks like it might not be enough," Mary Sue replied as the two boys dove for the paper sack. "What's up with you two? Are you having a lovers' spat?"

"No," the boys said in unison as they opened their Pete's Wicked Ales and took swigs.

"Are you gonna talk like this all night?"

"No," they said in unison again and looked at each other.

Maul growled. Obi-Wan continued, "Maul slept with Qui-Gon and Qui-Gon dumped me."

Mary Sue looked at Maul with raised eyebrows. "Oh, really? Does Palpatine know?"

Maul protested, "That's not exactly it, Qui-Gon thinks I slept with him and now he's sending love notes. Obi-Wan wants me to let him down easy."

"Without using the Dark Side," Obi-Wan piped in. "Ooof," he added as My Apprentice used his stomach as a launch pad to check out the new guest.

Mary Sue sat down, reaching down over the side of her chair to gather up the discarded roses. "You know, you should put these in water," she said.

Maul growled again.

"Well, this is most interesting, isn't it?" she continued "So you're refusing to give up the Dark Side for even a few minutes to help out my brother are you, Maul?"

Maul gave her a dark . . . make that very dark . . . look.

"Come on, Maul," she prodded. "I would think you could do that much. Or is it that you're afraid that you can't do it without the Dark Side? Light Side's for sissies is it? Don't you think that's what he thinks, Obi-Wan?"

Maul squirmed. He did not like the way this was going. "I doubt I'll even need to use the Force at all on Qui-Gon. I'm sure he just needs to hear the truth and he'll go running back to Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan began shaking his head vehemently. "Oh, no, you don't understand. My master is very determined. When he gets his mind set on something, he's really hard to dissuade."

Maul grinned evilly. "You're not actually advocating using the Force to influence your master are you?"

Mary Sue laughed. "You know, I'd bet you couldn't go one week without using the Dark Side, Maul. In fact, I dare you to do exactly that."

The Handbook crawled out from beneath the couch and began searching through its pages looking for any reference to Sith and dares.

In the end, it was Mary Sue's Whammy that won out. Maul found himself saying, quite against his will, "I'll take that dare. It'll be a snap to go a week without the Dark Side. In fact, it'll be educational." He suddenly remembered his Master's last assignment. This would be the perfect way to research Jedi training methods. Sidious would be pleased.

Mary Sue smiled primly. "I'm glad you see it that way. Now, let's talk stakes."


At 7:45 the next evening, Maul felt he had his apartment in perfect shape. He'd taken My Apprentice for a little trip around the place to spread an extra layer of cat hair and no less then four piles of laundry littered the floor. He'd actually had to cook up a huge meal for tomorrow to get enough dirty dishes to make the kitchen acceptably messy, and even he couldn't stand the smell in the bedroom. He hoped he'd be home early enough to give it a good airing or he'd be sleeping on the couch. Of course, it was Friday and even if he was out with Qui-Gon, that didn't mean he couldn't meet up with Obi-Wan later.

The only blessing in this was that Sidious was off on Naboo kissing babies or something. He was in campaign mode again for some reason. Or maybe it was something to take care of involving the king. Maul couldn't remember, he was just glad Sidious wouldn't be around to witness this date, or take advantage of him in his Lightened state.

Obi-Wan had explained to him the basics of Light Force usage. No fear. No anger. No hate. No making people miserable. No excessive manipulation except for emergencies. And it was absolutely vital that one stay in a state of calm to best take advantage of the Light Side.

"But Fear is my ally," Maul had protested.

"Not anymore," Obi-Wan said. "Now, let's meditate."

Meditating with Obi-Wan had been rather torturous. First Obi-Wan had insisted that the best way to meditate was mostly naked in a cross-legged position. Sitting across from a nearly naked, cross-legged Obi-Wan for over an hour while the twit nattered on about being calm and at peace and feeling the Force flowing through him had been almost more than Maul could bear. His only consolation was that he'd caught Obi-Wan peeking on more than one occasion.

After all this calmness and peacefulness, Maul really wanted to break something. His hate, after all, had been finely honed. It was awfully hard to put that aside, even for a week. Obi-Wan had also expressly forbidden any video games concerning the destruction or maiming of Jedi and that pretty much ruled out most of Maul's collection. He did have an old copy of GUNGAN!, the one where you had to hop the Gungan across the busy traffic of Coruscant, but it just didn't have the same thrill as it had when he was a kid.

It was only the promise of a private show with Mary Sue and three of her dancers that kept him on the Light path. It was only a week after all and he was sure he could do this for a week.

Then the doorbell rang. Fear is not my ally, Maul reminded himself as he opened the door on Qui-Gon Jinn dressed in an appalling New Romantic frilly blouse and tight purple leather pants. Apparently the Jedi prohibition against colored clothing didn't apply to club wear.

He held out a rose and a bottle of the finest Corellian whiskey. "For you, my dark beauty," he said.

Maybe nausea could be my new ally, thought Maul.

"You didn't wear your leather," Qui-Gon pouted.

"Uhhh, the leather's at the cleaners," he said. Maul had taken pains to wear his only pair of baggy jeans and a rather shapeless black sweater.

"Still, though your charms be hidden, it only makes the fire you've lighted in me burn higher," said Qui-Gon Jinn, poet.

"Say, Qui-Gon why don't you come in for a second, I think we should talk," Maul said, realizing as the words came out of his mouth that he was already starting to sound like Obi-Wan. The Handbook flapped its pages miserably. It hadn't been that long ago that it had added the rule about Sith do NOT "talk."

Maul had a moment to catch Qui-Gon's look of exhilaration as he stepped inside. "So you want to stay in, do you? And I had reservations for us at such a nice restaurant. They serve Tatooinean food. You're supposed to eat with your hands and feed each other."

Qui-Gon looked around for a place to sit and found none among the laundry. Maul surreptitiously opened the whiskey bottle and took a swig. He was going to need it.

"Sorry there's really no place to sit. My cleaning droid broke and I just haven't had time to fix it. But this won't take long."

"Perhaps there's room in the bedroom to . . . sit," Qui-Gon suggested. For Sith's sake the man was insatiable! Maul was beginning to think his plan might not work.

"No, really, you don't want to go in there," Maul said and gathered his new found calm around him. "Qui-Gon, what I have to say is . . . I'm really not interested in dating you. For one, if you'll recall, I'm in love with your student," Blast it, he'd meant to say "banging your student" but it hadn't come out right. The Light Side exerted a powerful influence. He continued, "And really, it'll do nothing for your already questionable reputation to be seen around with me."

Qui-Gon said nothing.

"There, I knew you'd understand . . ." Maul's speech was cut off by a swift, merciless kiss from the Jedi Master. While trying to control his gag reflex, Maul had the presence of mind to think, this is going to be harder than I thought.


By the time Maul had managed to disengage from Qui-Gon's torrid kiss he hadn't felt like eating, but Qui-Gon had insisted. Maul had thankfully managed to avoid the "feeding each other" bit by insisting that his race had a tendency to bite people. However, he hadn't liked the lascivious glint that had entered Qui-Gon's eyes at the words "bite people" nor the Jedi Master's response of "later then, in private."

Qui-Gon had then suggested they go to the Grey Side. Maul's brain had been in such a state of conflict over whether he should try to win his bet with Mary Sue or put an end to this travesty quickly by using the Dark Side, that he'd been unable to protest. He found himself leaning against a bar next to Obi-Wan while Qui-Gon showed off his moves on the dance floor.

"Any luck so far?" Obi-Wan asked handing Maul a much needed whiskey.

"No. You're right, he is determined. And he gives sloppy kisses," Maul replied after doing the shot.

"You kissed him?" Obi-Wan asked, looking hurt.

"No, he kissed me. Really. I swear I didn't like it."

Obi-Wan looked relieved and proceeded with his questioning. "Have you been remaining calm? Do you feel the Force?"

"Is that what you call it," Maul asked thinking of something he'd felt when Qui-Gon had embraced him.


"Err . . . nevermind. No, I seem to be having trouble with the calm thing," Maul said. He hadn't been able to get this Light Side method to work very well. Frankly, he didn't see much use in it. Apparently you weren't even supposed to use it to do anything fun. "Another shot might help."

"Oh, no," Obi-Wan said. "I've seen you on whiskey and I don't trust you with my master."

The one whiskey was having its own calming effect. Maul felt a surge of the Force. He thought it must be the Light Side because it made Obi-Wan's hair look suspiciously golden. "You'll let me stay with you tonight, won't you? I don't think I want to be alone," Maul heard himself say, prompted by this weird Force. He knew he sounded like Obi-Wan this time, but this pervasive calm wouldn't let him get too upset by it.

"In fact," he heard himself continue. "Why don't you get us another whiskey and we'll just slip out of here? That should discourage your master from any amorous intentions he had for the evening."

"Really, Maul. What a terrible idea," Obi-Wan said, and paid the bartender for another two whiskies.


Maul woke up the next morning in Kenobi's room. He felt . . . soiled. He'd actually used the Light Side to get Obi-Wan into bed with him. What did that mean? Did that count as using the Dark Side if he'd used the Light Side for such a purpose? This was so confusing. Only six more days and he could go back to his nice, straight-forward Sithly ways.

He fought the urge to tear up another of Obi-Wan's pillows with his horns. It felt so odd to actually dull his anger. He thought of Mary Sue and his favorite three dancers. It was only for six days. He could do this for six days. It was all in a good cause after all.

Voices in the other room suddenly penetrated his struggle to control his anger and he realized that Obi-Wan was out there arguing with Qui-Gon.

"No. I'm not giving you your John Tesh CD's until we talk."

"Now Obi-Wan, please don't make this any harder."

"You're the one making it hard! Maul told me he's not interested in you. Why don't you believe him?"

"He didn't mean it. He's just shy!"

"SHY? Maul? Are you brain dead?" Obi-Wan voice was crawling into the upper registers.

"I'm going to forget you said that, Padawan. I think you're letting your jealousy get the better of you. I'll just return later when you've regained your calm." Maul heard the front door shut as Qui-Gon left.

This was horrible. He had to smash something. Fortunately for Obi-Wan's bedroom furniture, the Padawan returned to the bedroom in time to distract Maul.

Kenobi threw himself on the bed and looked up at Maul with tear-filled eyes. "You have to end this! I don't know if I can take any more!" he sobbed.

Maul felt a hideous weakness and an urge to kiss Obi-Wan's tears away. He had to get out of there before he nauseated himself any more. This was worse than PMS!

Obi-Wan sat up and wrapped his arms around Maul before he could bolt. He snuggled his head under Maul's chin and continued weeping, his fingers moving in little fluttery motions on Maul's naked back. Maul moaned, this was not the way to get him to control his Dark Side urges!

"Hey, Obi-Wan, I've been thinking, maybe I just need some more Light Side training," he said, anything to get Obi-Wan to stop crying for one, and stop doing those things with his hands! He wanted his Whammy back, pronto. This was intolerable.

Obi-Wan stopped crying and looked up into Maul's eyes. "We could start with Light Side sex," he suggested hopefully.

"Didn't we cover that lesson last night?" Maul said, seizing Obi-Wan's roving hands and holding them at arm's length.

"Yeah. Okay. Fine. Maybe we should try some other exercises."


"Feel the Force flowing through you, and move the box over to me."

Maul grunted, and tried to do as Obi-Wan asked. Why was it suddenly so hard for him to levitate something? He shoved again with the Force. Was the Light Side that much weaker?

"No no - you're forcing it! You have to ask it to move."


"Ask it. Maybe it doesn't want to move. You can't just start shoving things around without asking permission."

Maul stared at Obi-Wan, who giggled and used the Force to shut Maul's dropped jaw. "Ask permission? It's a box! It doesn't have a brain, much less 'feelings'," Maul replied.

"That doesn't matter. You must be sensitive to the Living Force. Actually, it seemed silly to me at first also, but it does work!"

Maul fought the urge to growl, and turned back to the box. This was ridiculous. He was NOT going to ask a stupid container if it was okay for him to move it. Maybe if he just used a little of the Dark no no, he was not going to lose this bet. With a sigh, he reached out and 'touched' the box, trying to imagine he was asking Darth Mary Sue permission to shove a credit in her g-string.

With an audible 'whoosh', the box flew across the room, narrowly missing Obi-Wan's head. Whoops! Maybe that image was a little too strong!

"Hey! You did it! I'm so proud of you!" the Padawan beamed.

Maul swallowed an urge to smile back. Dark Side or not, Sith do not Beam!


"Well, imagine meeting you here!"

Maul whirled at the sound of Qui-Gon's voice. "Oh Sith-spit! Not now!" He'd snuck into CompCoruscant to play a few video games while Kenobi wasn't looking. After three days of "meditation" and "the living force" he really needed a release. When Obi-Wan had slipped and called him "Padawan" he'd had to hastily excuse himself before losing the bet right then and there. He knew video games were a slight deviation from his Light Side training, but he wasn't playing a destructive game, just driving a race car very fast. Kenobi did that all the time in his speeder! Maul suddenly realized he was whining to himself, sighed, and faced the Jedi Master.

"Oh, hi Master Jinn. What brings you in here?"

"Ah ah, I thought we were on a first name basis? You're supposed to call me 'Qui-Gon', although 'Master' does sound nice." The Jedi stepped closer to Maul.

Maul stepped back. "Oh, right. Well, 'Qui-Gon', what brings you here?" He scanned the aisles, looking for an escape route.

"Well, I heard there was a wonderful teaching program on personal massage available on CDROM, and I thought I might try some new techniques..."

Maul backed up again as Jinn took another step toward him. Unfortunately, he backed up into one of the display racks. "Right. Well, I was just leaving."

"But your game says you still have another turn? I'd love to watch you play," Qui-Gon said smoothly, touching his hand to Maul's arm. Maul repressed a shudder. He'd never realized how 'touchy-feely' the Jedi were! Well, Obi-Wan was...Maul forced that thought away.

"Oh, you go ahead and take it," he replied, trying to get out from under Qui-Gon's touch without being obvious and hurting the man's feelings. Stupid Light Side rules! Stupid bet! "I'm late for, um, an appointment with my Master."

"Well, then I guess I must release you to your duties," Qui-Gon replied sadly. "Can I see you tonight?" He reached up and put his hand on Maul's shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Um, I'm not sure when I'm going to be done - why don't you call me later?" Maul suggested, tripping over a stack of software boxes behind him as he tried to avoid Qui-Gon's hand. His anger rose - he was tired of being nice, and now he was becoming clumsy! On the other hand, tripping over the boxes did get him away from Qui-Gon. He made a strategic retreat to the exit, resolving to unplug his phone as soon as he got home.


Perfect, thought Maul as he surveyed the neatly folded clothes in his newly reorganized closet. He had all his robes where he needed them and the pile of fresh, never-yet-even-worn 'Sith Lords Kick Ass' t-shirts in their own special chest.

Turning away from the closet he smoothed out a wrinkle in the bedspread. How had he let his apartment get that way? he wondered idly as he walked back into his newly spotless living room. He'd spent the last two days inside, trying to avoid another "encounter" with Qui-Gon, with the phone "accidentally" unplugged. He felt good. Since he couldn't play his video games he'd been trying Obi-Wan's meditations. And from there, he'd suddenly developed the desire for a clean, peaceful home. It was a little disconcerting, but no more disconcerting than the idea of how many of Sidious's children he'd slept with.

He sat down on the couch and looked over at the vase of roses. They looked . . . nice. He was glad Mary Sue had put them in water. Then he looked at the floor. He was amazed actually that there was so much of it. My Apprentice was crossing the room gingerly, seeming somewhat disturbed by so much empty space. Usually it was covered by piles of indeterminately clean or dirty laundry and various other items such as pizza boxes and empty bottles of Pete's Wicked Ale. He'd felt a pang of remorse while throwing out the pizza box civilizations but they had smelled really awful. . . truly awful. So bad, in fact, that they'd broken him out of his meditation. He wondered why he'd never noticed it before.

Leaning back on the couch he felt a sudden urge and gave into it. Why not? It felt so good. He felt sure that just this once it wouldn't go against his Light Side training.

"Maul what are you doing!" cried Obi-Wan, throwing open the apartment door (without knocking).

"Singing?" he said sheepishly, breaking off in the middle of why can't this crazy love be mine. He'd hadn't thought about his singing being audible in the hallway. It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! the song continued in his head. Maul tapped his foot surreptitiously, actually a bit relieved Obi-Wan had caught him before he'd started snapping his fingers.

"I heard you. You have a nice baritone."

"Thanks," Maul said congenially.

He noticed My Apprentice was looking at him with some alarm.

**Singing? Am I going to have to get a new master?** Out on the balcony another pair of cat ears perked up.

You be quiet. I feel good.

**That's my point. Your anger is about as sharp as a butter knife.**

Maul's peace and calm were suddenly shouldered aside by worry. Maybe he was taking this Light Side thing a bit far. He rubbed a blister on his hand that he'd gotten from scrubbing his bathroom tile grout with a toothbrush.

He was, after all, still a Sith, right?

Or maybe a week in the Light had turned him into something . . . horrible! Maybe he was turning into . . .

"Maul, are you okay?" asked Obi-Wan, putting a light hand on his shoulder.

. . .a twit!

Maul felt a tear spring up in his eye, dislodging with a jolt the sand that had accumulated in his tear duct from years of disuse.

Arghhhhhhhhhh! That was it. This couldn't go on! He was going to have to lose the bet! He couldn't very well start CRYING and still have any self-respect. But, then again, he couldn't very well LOSE THE BET and have any self-respect.

Launching himself off the couch, he began pacing. Cagey tiger pacing.

"Hey, your phone's unplugged. I've been trying to reach you all day, no wonder I couldn't get through," Obi-Wan said, looking over the side of the couch oblivious to Maul's distress.

"No, don't plug that in!" Maul shouted, flinging himself at Obi-Wan.

It was too late. As soon as the plug was in the wall, the phone rang. Obi-Wan helpfully picked it up and held it out to Maul, who was now lying on top of him.

Glaring darkly at the Padawan, (that was still allowed, wasn't it?) Maul took the phone and said, "Hello?"

"My thorned rose, at last I have reached you," said Qui-Gon.

Maul felt his new ally rising in his gorge. "Your master is a terrible poet," he mouthed at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

"Yes . . . Qui-Gon, how's it going? How'd you do on that video game?" Maul asked, noticing Obi-Wan looking at him suspiciously.

"I didn't play," came the reply.

"Well, that's a shame. Maybe next time," Maul said, making a motion to hang up.

"Maul, darling, when can I see you again," came the voice again from the receiver just before Maul placed it in the cradle.

Obi-Wan gave him a speaking look. Maul guessed hanging up on people wasn't a Light Side thing. How'd the Jedi ever get telephone solicitors off the phone?

"Errrrr. . . maybe Thursday night?" Maul said, bringing the phone back up to his ear. Thursday night would make it a week of this hell he'd sunken himself into. And that left him only one more day between now and then. He could hide out in his apartment for one more day.

"Not tomorrow? Not tonight?"

Obi-Wan was right, he was persistent. Actually, Obi-Wan was pretty persistent himself right about then. Trapped as he was under Maul, he'd started to make himself comfortable and was wriggling around most disturbingly.

Maul groaned. Was there no end to this? He would not have Light Side sex with the twit again! No! The peace and calm he'd imagined moments before had deserted him entirely.

Mary Sue. Dancers. Three Dancers. Plus Mary Sue.

It wasn't having the usual effect. Unfortunately, Obi-Wan was. A small, wee, tiny part of Maul's brain suddenly remembered the phone.

"Uh, Qui-Gon? Let me get back to you, I'm kind of . . ." he paused, noticing Obi-Wan shaking his head violently in an attempt to stop Maul from telling his Master that he was there. " . . . in the middle of something and I'm really going to have to work tomorrow. Come over Thursday . . ."

He hung up the phone and looked down into Obi-Wan's blue eyes. Ummmmmm . . . maybe one more bout of Light Side sex wouldn't hurt anything . . . .

**Aren't they cute? The lovebirds . . .** said My Apprentice in Maul's brain.

Arrrrhhhh. Maul's rage sparked. Sith are not 'lovebirds' part of his brain screamed, while the half possessed by the Light Side thought it was a rather cute expression. He was going to kill that cat. Between the two sides of his brain he decided he shouldn't be doing anything drastic right then. Especially not contemplating Light Side sex. He pulled himself slowly and painfully off of Obi-Wan. Control, control, you must learn control echoed a voice in his brain. Where had that come from? "Uhhhh, Obi-Wan, you know I really don't think this is a good idea . . . I'm . . . not myself and I'd hate to think of you taking advantage of me . . ."

Obi-Wan looked flustered and sat up. "You're right, that wouldn't be honorable. I should go."

"You should go," repeated Maul, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Actually, he knew what was wrong with him. HE WAS INVOLVED IN THIS HIDEOUS BET! As Obi-Wan left, Maul wondered if it would be okay if he spent that night and the next day in an alcohol-induced stupor. Cracking open that bottle of Corellian whiskey again, he decided that was the best plan.

And don't think I've forgotten about you. he thought to his apprentice. When I get my Whammy back . . .

My Apprentice just stretched and proceeded to wash her whiskers delicately.


It was finally Thursday and Maul was having a horrible day. He had a bear of a hang over from his Tuesday night/Wednesday all day drinking binge and he couldn't use his Dark-Side infused remedy. Deciding that he needed food, he'd headed out to the grocery store and on the way he'd gotten a speeding ticket, one that he couldn't whammy the officer into tearing it up. There was a long line at the grocery store, and he hadn't been able to shove his way to the front.

To top it off, My Apprentice was having a field day making him feed her salmon, turn the bathroom faucet on and off so she could drink, and pull a string around the room for her. He couldn't even resist his cat's whammy! Naked dancers. Naked Mary Sue. Naked, dancing Mary Sue. Maul silently chanted his mantra.

Just then the door burst open. Maul looked over mildly, wondering who it was this time. He'd had the lock changed on that door so often that the locksmith had assigned Maul his own technician.

"What is going on here, apprentice? Just what do you have to say for yourself?" Sidious said, entering the room with his usual flair.

Maul was considering the possibility of just hanging a bead curtain in the doorway, since everyone pretty much ignored the door anyway. Engrossed in thoughts of shiny beads sliding over Obi-Wan's shoulders, he did not immediately respond to his master.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?"

Maul's attention snapped violently away from decorating concerns. "Find out what?"

"That you slept with Qui-Gon!"

"Oh, that," Maul replied.

"OH, THAT! You betray me with that twit's master and all you can say is 'Oh That'?!?"

Maul was experiencing a strong case of deja vu, and this time he couldn't even soak up his master's rage and anger. He concentrated on remaining calm and feeling the Force flowing through him. He looked on the bright side, his master wasn't likely to start bawling like a baby.

Maul began to explain, "Well, for one, I did sleep with Qui-Gon, but not in that way, please, ew, never in that way. I leave that one to you. How was your trip?"

Momentarily flabbergasted, Sidious sat down heavily next to his apprentice. "Didn't you hear the news? The king was assassinated. It was quite shocking, to be sure. Here, I brought you something."

Sidious handed Maul a package, which turned out to be spandex swim trunks with "Swimmin' with the Gungan!" printed all over them. Maul set them aside and said calmly, "Thank you, Master, that was very thoughtful. I'll be sure to put those in with the things I'm giving away to charity."

Sidious again looked flabbergasted. "What is going on here? I thought with the spandex I'd get the usual taste of your most delicious rage. I've missed it, you know."

Smiling serenely, Maul explained, "Oh, per your instructions to learn about the Jedi training methods, I've given up the Dark Side for the week in favor of the Light."

"Given up the Dark for the week?!"

"Sure, I mean, why not? It's sort of neato-nifty. The Light Side's so . . . soothing. You should try it." Maul couldn't help but tease a little. He hoped that didn't count as the Dark Side.

Sidious was on his feet, purple lightning sparking at his fingertips. "All these years I've trained him, carefully honing his rage and anger to a razor point, designing him to be the perfect weapon, I go away for a week and boom. He's gone all mushy," he began muttering to himself.

"Really, Master, it's only for the week, and then I'll be back to my old Sithly self. It can't come soon enough. Believe me, underneath all this Light Side peace and calm, my anger's sharper than ever." Maul was trying not to laugh. This really was a deja vu situation and kind of fun. He'd never have thought of this way to vex his master. But, Qui-Gon was stopping by in an hour and he really had to get Sidious out of there before he arrived. Sometime in his drunken haze the day before, Maul had accepted that he and his "paramour" were going to have to do the dreaded "talk." He'd locked the Handbook in the closet two days ago when it threatened to spontaneously combust from all the Light Side energy.

"I hope you're right about that, apprentice. Or your training will be set back by years. We may have to start over with driving lessons again."

"No, Master! Anything but that and the menial jobs! I will be angry again, I promise. And then I will have my revenge against the Jedi." Maul cringed at the pleading tone in his voice. Argh, would this week never end? He checked the clock. Only a few more hours. He could do it. He knew he could.

Sidious swept away with a knowing look. Maul worried about that look.

When Qui-Gon finally arrived, Maul felt like his head was going to split in two. He accepted the rose and chocolates without a word.

"Is something wrong, my dear?" Qui-Gon asked solicitously.

"Yes, something is definitely wrong," Maul replied. "For one, you have to stop calling me 'my dear'. And secondly, you have to stop trying to see me."

"But why? I don't understand."

"Okay, look Qui-Gon, I'm sure you're a wonderful person, but I don't think we're compatible." Maul had to grit his teeth. Now he sounded like one of Kenobi's magazines. His old and new allies were now waging a war somewhere inside his stomach.

"Oh I think we fit together just fine," the older Jedi leered. "Remember our night together?"

A voice in Maul's head whispered, This is disgusting. Whammy him, my apprentice! Half of Maul's brain was in enthusiastic agreement.

Maul shook off his master's whammy, trying to stop the two sides of his brain from making him laugh and cry at the same time. Calm. He had to be calm for this Light Side crap to work. "That night was a mistake, for both of us." Yeah, my mistake was teasing you that morning instead of slapping you into unconsciousness or whammying you into forgetting I even existed! he thought. "You need to be with someone more like yourself. I'm just not right for you!" He was getting desperate. Was this one of those emergency situations where he could use a Light-Side Whammy?

Qui-Gon rushed over and took Maul's hand in his. "Oh, you are so noble of spirit, but it cannot be a mistake. In fact, I believe we were brought together by the Force! That night with you was better than anything I've ever imagined."

Feel the Dark Side, Maul. Hone your anger and strike out at the Jedi! came his Master's voice again.

The Dark Side of Maul's brain had had enough. It snuck up on the Light Side and beat it into submission. Maul felt part of his brain snap. Luckily, it was a different part of his brain than the one that usually snapped. However, the results were just as catastrophic.

"You Jedi fool!" he raged, a red tinge settling over his eyesight. "It WAS your imagination! Nothing happened! The only Force that brought us together was that of booze. You were drunk, you climbed into your Padawan's bed and didn't even realize it was me sleeping there." Maul knew he was losing his bet, but he didn't care. "You were so drunk, you probably couldn't have performed even if it HAD been Kenobi! I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man OR woman on Coruscant! The knowledge that we even slept in the same bed makes me ill!"

Maul was almost panting when he finished.

"It didn't happen?" The look on Qui-Gon's face and the horror and humiliation coming from him were like ambrosia. It felt sooooo goooood!

"You'll be leaving now. You'll be going back to Obi-Wan," Maul Whammied at the Jedi, since he was still showing no inclination to leave. There was a sudden swirling, sucking sound as the Dark Side energy came flowing back into the apartment. The Handbook knocked down the closet door and slid triumphantly into the room.

"I see," was all Qui-Gon said. Then he turned with infinite dignity and walked out the door. The effect was somewhat spoiled when he tripped in the doorway, but he recovered. A few seconds later, Maul heard him knocking on Obi-Wan's door.

"What do you want now," Maul heard Kenobi ask.

"Oh, Padawan, what a fool I've been! Can you ever forgive me?"

"Oh, Master! I'm so sorry too! Come in and let me make it up you!"

"How touching," came a voice from Maul's doorway. Mary Sue sauntered in, glancing at the Sith Handbook doing a victory dance in the middle of the living room floor. "I guess this means we won't be scheduling that private dance."

"Bite me," Maul responded/suggested. "Ah, who cares. The Light Side is for sissies!"

Mary Sue laughed. "Actually, I agree. However, you're still going to be cleaning my house for the next month. And I get to choose your costume!"

"Sounds like it could be fun. I'll wear my leather pants," Maul said, Lust Whammying Mary Sue with all the Dark Side energy he had stored up during the bet. He was ignoring his master's laughter in his brain.

"That's what you think. The pink ruffled maid's costume I bought has such a nice short skirt! I think you'll be adorable."

The laughter in his brain got even louder.



(Note: During Maul's unfortunate lapse into singing - lyrics credited to Tom Jones.)


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