Mary Sue Got Married
By Katherine the Art Chick and Darth J. Landry
[Read Darth Landry's author bio]
Disclaimer: Those Star Wars people belong to Lucasfilm. Dartha belongs to Plaidder. The quoted lyrics belong to Freddie Mercury and Dead or Alive (but not in that order). No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick and Darth J. Landry, 1999.
Thanks to Laura, Joan, Brian, and Siubhan for the beta.
Obi-Wan answered a knock at the door. It was Mary Sue, and she was frowning. "What's the matter, sis?" he asked. In answer, she showed him an enormous, gaudy diamond--the size of a doorknob, with other stones set around it--on her left hand. "Yikes!" he said.
"Hideous, isn't it? it's solar-powered," she said. "Bill has NO taste... except in women, of course," she added with a wink.
"Have you set a date?"
"I'm still not sure I want to go through with it," she said darkly. "I want the money, but it would mean sleeping with the little twerp."
"Would he marry me?" Obi-Wan asked plaintively. Mary Sue raised her eyebrows questioningly. In answer, he handed her his American Express bill.
"Yikes!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah. I'd screw anything to get rid of that bill. Almost." He sighed pitifully. "I know my medication can make me kind of ditzy and spacey, but if I bought all this crap, where is it?" He made a face. "Maul took my credit card once, and I can't find it again. Maybe he took it. Or maybe I'm just a compulsive shopper, or am having flashbacks again. I hate to accuse him under those circumstances..."
"Hmmm," Mary Sue commented, even more darkly.
"You won't tell anyone, will you? Qui-Gon would send me back to Happy Farms if he saw this bill. And my parents would be disappointed in me again. I hate that." He sighed again.
"1-900-LARA-SEX? I thought you didn't like girls," Mary Sue said.
"I like them fine, I just don't like sleeping with them," Obi-Wan said, and grinned. Then he sighed again. "That's pretty suspicious, isn't it?"
"Are you okay?" Mary Sue asked. She'd never seen Obi-Wan so dense.
"Yeah. I told you my meds can make me spacey, and when I saw the total amount owed and minimum due I took a triple dose with a Tylenol 4 with Prozac chaser."
"Stop being pitiful, damn you!" Mary Sue said. Obi-Wan blinked. "Oh, all right, FINE, I'll do it, but YOU have to dress up as me and sleep with Bill."
"You could whammy him into thinking you slept with him," Obi-Wan suggested.
"Really? I never knew you could do that!"
"Oh yeah. It's easy. I've done it lots of times. It was the only way to get Master Yoda off my case." He giggled. Mary Sue looked alarmed. "I'd show you, but you're my sister. Eww."
"Let's get Maul and practice on him," Mary Sue suggested. Obi-Wan squirmed and looked at his feet. "Do you want me to pay your American Express bill or not?"
Obi-Wan marched next door to get Maul. Mary Sue smirked.
Maul wandered sleepily to the door and scratched his horns. He'd played Jedi Roadkill IX until 6am and fallen asleep on the couch. He THOUGHT someone had knocked...
Oh. It was Kenobi.
"Maul, can you help me and Mary Sue with something?"
"Do you have coffee?" he asked, yawning.
"I can make some."
"Okay." As long as there would be coffee.
"Hi, Maul," Mary Sue said.
Shit, Maul thought. If he had been awake enough to realize Mary Sue was going to be here he would have changed into something nicer than the filthy clothes he wore yesterday. He needed coffee.
"Where's the coffee?" Maul asked. "Make coffee."
"We need your help with something," Obi-Wan said, leading him to the couch and sitting him down.
"Does it involve coffee? I need coffee," he said. Mary Sue smirked.
"We wanna fuck," she said. Maul and Obi-Wan blinked. "Think you can handle both of us, horny boy?"
"Can I have coffee first?" Maul asked, and yawned.
"I don't think you heard me. We. Want. To. Fuck. Now!" Mary Sue said. The implications of the sounds Mary Sue was making started to seep into Maul's decaffeinated brain. Maul considered pinching himself, but decided that if he was dreaming he didn't want to wake up. He paused for a moment, wondering if the sibling threesome thing squicked him. Nope. Not one bit.
Coffee could wait.
Oh. Force. Maul was lying in Obi-Wan's bed between the two hottest people in the universe, staring up at the mirrored ceiling. It had been better than his wildest dreams... no, please don't let it be a dream... No...
"Maul!" Mary Sue yelled, shaking him awake. Damn, it had seemed so real...
Mary Sue handed Maul Obi-Wan's American Express bill. "So?" he asked. She pointed at the line charging several hundred credits for 1-900-LARA-SEX. Maul looked sheepish. Mary Sue extended her hand palm-up. Maul pulled out his wallet and handed her Obi-Wan's credit card.
"Hey! You... you... you're not getting any until you apologize!" Obi-Wan sputtered.
"Any what?" Maul asked. "You don't mean coffee, do you?"
"Scissors," Mary Sue said. Maul wondered why their withholding scissors from him would be a punishment.
"But!" Obi-Wan protested.
"We'll just remove the temptation. That, and I think cash would be better for you for the time being. Besides, I'll be rich soon; I'll buy you anything you want." He sighed heavily and pulled a pair of scissors out of a drawer. Mary Sue cheerfully chopped up Obi-Wan's card.
Obi-Wan grabbed the bill out of Mary Sue's hands and snapped, "Maul, you owe me..." He looked at the total amount due and started to hyperventilate. Mary Sue snatched it away.
"I'll take care of this," she said, patting him reassuringly on the back. "Obi-Wan, could you step out to the machine downstairs and get me a diet coke?" Mary Sue asked sweetly. Obi-Wan looked puzzled and left. As soon as he was gone, she turned on Maul.
"I'm marrying Bill to pay this," she announced. "I want you to think long and hard about my honeymoon. That's your punishment."
"But!" he protested. Still in need of caffeine, he was not at his most persuasive.
"And after the wedding, no more nookie. That weasel'd have ME paying HIM alimony if we ever divorced. And if I ever catch you using my brother's card again..."
"You'll kill me?" he sneered.
"You'll WISH I killed you," she snarled. Maul blinked. He didn't really want to contemplate what she would do to him. "And just to make my point, let me test this on you." A small but respectable purple lightning bolt shot from her fingers to his OTHER lightsaber. He yelped, and found himself fully awake.
"How'd you...?" he asked.
"Maybe it's genetic," she smirked.
"Teach me how you did that," he demanded.
"Bite me," she answered.
"Wanna fuck?" he asked.
"No, I'm pissed off at you," she said. "In fact, I'm thinking I might be pissed off until my wedding. That'd mean no more nookie for you ever again," she mused.
"Perhaps in the future I'll use Qui-Gon's card," he suggested.
"Good idea," she said icily. "Now leave. I need to talk to my brother alone."
Obi-Wan returned with her diet coke as he was leaving, and as he shut the door behind him Maul heard her ask, "Okay, I know I'll regret asking, but what is Happy Farms and what the HELL are you taking?"
"Maul!" Sidious announced as he made his grand entrance. Maul barely looked up. "You need to get dressed for Mary Sue's wedding."
"Can't I just gnaw my own wrists open?" Maul asked.
"What, are you despondant?" Sidious sneered. Maul began to contemplate Sidious' death again. "Aw, poor pitiful little excuse for a Sith all depressed because his girlfriend is marrying someone else!" He snickered. "And how long do you think THAT will last? Hmm? Not long enough for me to get a decent campaign contribution, that's for sure!"
Maul started feeling a lot better. Not only did murderous rage perk him up, but Sidious had a point. Mary Sue would surely rise up and slay Bill in no time. Then maybe the two of them could slay this sadistic prick, or at least have some incredible Force-driven sex...
"Maul! Pay attention! I don't care how much you enjoy thinking about screwing my children!" Sidious beamed lasciviously at the thought. Maul felt queasy.
Sidious threw a bag at Maul. "Wear this," he demanded. Maul opened the bag and saw a lame, boring black suit.
"Can't I wear that stuff I got on Fashion Emergency?" Maul groused.
"No, you can't dress better than the groom," Sidious said. "Hmm, maybe I should have you wear a burlap sack..."
"You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round!" Ben-Wa sang. He was wearing a great leather tux, Maul noted enviously. He considered mugging Ben-Wa for the suit after the reception, but decided Ben-Wa would just take it as a sexual advance.
"Honey," Bill whined, "don't you think we're overpaying your brother?" Bill was wearing a suit with a circuit board print. Maul decided that suit was reason for Bill to die.
"Not at all!" Mary Sue said, resplendant in bridal white. "He used to be a Backdoor Bantha Boy. He's doing the show for this cheap as a special favor to me! Hi, Maul," Mary Sue added, mildly. "Did you enjoy the service?"
"Was that a wedding or a product placement spot for your mother?" Maul groused. Yeah, he thought. Torture me. Truly you are Sithly.
"Oh, Maul, you're so silly! I can't be DARTHA STEWART'S DAUGHTER and not let her plan the wedding!" Mary Sue said. Maul thought he detected irony behind her cheerful tone, but wasn't sure.
"Gee, Mom, what a great cake! It's bakery fresh!" Obi-Wan said, unconvincingly, to Dartha in front of a camera. Maree-Jayn Kenobi burst into tears. Shawn-Penn Kenobi, busily trying to talk politics with that nice Senator Palpatine, didn't even notice. Ignoring her completely, Dartha went on with the bit she was filming for her show.
"You may THINK it's homemade, but it's not! It's my own Dartha Stewart Wedding Cake Mix! Just add water!" Dartha replied.
"Mmm, yummy," Obi-Wan said. "I see someone I need to talk to, will you excuse me for a minute?" He rushed off to comfort his adopted mother. Maul soaked up the misery.
"Cut," Dartha said. She sighed. "Mary Sue! You can act! Get your bridal butt over here and praise my cake!" Mary Sue snickered and went to go help her mom make a buck.
"Am I the luckiest guy in the world or what?" Bill gushed. Maul ground his molars. "What a babe! Man, I bet everyone will be jealous of me... are you jealous, Maul?" Maul growled. Bill laughed delightedly. "Mine, mine, all mine!"
Updated your will yet, nerd? Maul thought. I'd love to help your wife spend your money when you're gone.
"Oh, Mom, this cake is so good! What bakery did you get it from?" Mary Sue gushed for the benefit of the viewers at home.
"It's not from a bakery! It's my own Dartha Stewart wedding cake mix! just add water!" Dartha answered proudly.
"I'm the luckiest daughter in the world!" Mary Sue simpered, and hugged Dartha, being careful not to get lipstick on her mother. Maul tried not to gag.
"Cut!" Dartha cried triumphantly. "That, Ben my boy, is how it's done," she muttered.
"And now I'd like to dedicate a song to my favorite sister," Ben-Wa said, from the stage.
"Your only sister," Mary Sue muttered. Dartha smirked.
"I got together with my brother Obi-Wan and we put a lot of thought into what song I could dedicate to her. My sister is a very special, very complex woman, and there isn't a song that completely captures her. But I hope this comes close. And if you don't like it, Mary Sue, just blame my brother!" The audience laughed.
"She keeps Moet et Chandon, In her pretty cabinet, Let them eat cake, she says, Just like Marie Antoinette..." Ben-Wa sang. Mary Sue grinned.
"A built in remedy for Khrushchev and Kennedy, And any time an invitation you can't decline, Caviar and cigarettes, Well versed in etiquette, Extraordinarily nice..." Maul had to admit it was a good choice. Especially the chorus.
"She's a Killer Queen, gun powder, gelatine, Dynamite with a laser beam, Guaranteed to blow your mind, any time..." Ben-Wa sang.
"I don't get it," Bill complained.
You wouldn't get a clue if I applied it to your skull with a hammer and chisel, Maul thought.
Maul couldn't take standing next to that moron any more. As he wandered off to sulk, he heard his twit neighbor whine, "PLEASE stop crying, Mam, I was just calling her that for television!"
"You don't love me any more!" Maree-Jayn wailed. "Ever since you found out your birth parents were Dartha Stewart and that nice Senator Palpatine, you don't call home any more! Your brother calls!"
"You always liked him best, anyway," Obi-Wan said, petulantly. "Why bother?" Maree-Jayn wailed pitifully. "I think my date is looking for me," he said, and went looking for Qui-Gon. Maul saw them disappear in the men's room together.
Mental note, Maul thought, do NOT use the men's room.
Sidious finally managed to whammy Shawn-Penn into comforting his wife--and leaving him the hell alone--and quickly vanished into the crowd.
Obi-Wan threw his arms around Qui-Gon as soon as they were in the men's room. "Oh, thank you, Qui-Gon! I just couldn't take my Mam crying any more," Obi-Wan simpered against Qui-Gon's chest. The expensive suit was pleasantly rough against his cheek, and Qui-Gon looked so hot in it that it made him regret he was just wearing his usual Padawan outfit.
"Poor Padawan," Qui-Gon said, kissing the top of his head. "Perhaps while we're hiding in here I should comfort you." Obi-Wan whimpered and pushed Qui-Gon into a stall. "Oh, Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon said as the stall door slammed shut.
After looking both ways to make sure that horrifying Shawn-Penn Kenobi didn't see him, Sid Palpatine slipped over to the bride's table. "Mary Sue, my dear, there's a lovely tradition where the guests pay the father of the bride a credit to dance with her."
"Oh, no you don't!" Mary Sue said. "Last time I let you schedule my dances you let Hutts grope me."
"You've been married before?" Bill asked stupidly. Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Besides, the GROOM is supposed to get the money."
"Not on Naboo," Sidious responded. "Mary Sue and I are Nabooan."
"I'm not, and I want the money!" Bill answered. Mary Sue took the opportunity to sneak away.
Mary Sue was sitting alone on the roof with a bottle of champagne and a GameBoy, playing Tetris, when Ben-Wa came out for a break. "Did you like the song?" he asked.
"It's one of my favorites," she admitted reluctantly.
"Do you like me at all?" he asked pitifully, fixing her with the patented Sidispawn puppy dog eyes.
Mary Sue opened her mouth to say no, but the word wouldn't come out. Her brow furrowed, and she blinked. Must be that nine months in the womb, she thought. "I like you. I was just mad at you." She shook her finger at Ben-Wa. "No killing our brother! I like him!"
"Okay," he said meekly.
"I mean it! If you kill our brother I won't like you any more!"
"Okay," he said, staring at the floor. "So... you like me?"
Mary Sue sighed, turned off her Game Boy and patted the roof next to her. "Yes, already! Sit here and entertain me," she said. "And if my twerp husband shows up, ask me to dance." Ben-Wa beamed winningly.
"Okay. Oh, and thanks for the gig!"
"No problem," she said. "But you should do some original numbers in the next set... I'll see if I can get Mom to film something for her show when one's playing..."
Maul stared pointedly at a floral arrangement, thinking violent thoughts and drinking Dartha Stewart Brand Wedding Punch. The flowers began to wilt under his withering stare. He didn't see Mary Sue, and he didn't want to sit next to anyone else, either. Ah, there she was; she and that twit Ben-Wa appeared together looking all chummy. This was a new development, Maul noted dourly.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon emerged from the men's room. Obi-Wan was flushed, and they were both slightly disheveled. Ew, Maul thought. They went to go sit with the bride.
Bill went to Mary Sue's table. "Time for the honeymoon!" he announced. Maul had a sudden craving for a Hamster Death Gulp at the thought. With a chaser of Bill's blood.
"No, we have to do that bouquet and garter thing first," Mary Sue said.
"Can you hurry?" Bill answered.
"We can't leave yet; it'd be RUDE," Mary Sue said. "The reception just started."
"How much longer are you going to make me wait?" Bill whined.
Mental note, Maul thought. Cut out Bill's larynx before killing him.
"There's always the broom closet," Mary Sue suggested. Maul wondered if she would consider that offer with HIM.
"Aw, sweetie, I want it to be ROMANTIC," Bill snivelled. "You know, an expensive hotel room or something."
Mental note, Maul thought. Cut out Bill's larynx as soon as possible.
"Excuse me," Obi-Wan said. "It would probably be kind of me to check on my neighbor and make sure he feels comfortable..." Obi-Wan stood and fled the excessive information and unappealing mental images. Maul considered that perhaps a Sarlacc Pit or Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster would be better than a Hamster Death Gulp...
"Wanna dance?" Ben-Wa asked Mary Sue.
"Sure!" she said.
"If you're going to dance with anyone it should be with ME!" Bill whined. Mary Sue sighed in annoyance and stomped off to the dance floor with Bill, resolving to step on his feet a lot.
Ben-Wa gave Qui-Gon The Look, then got up and went into the men's room. After a moment's hesitation, Qui-Gon followed.
"Does this door lock?" Ben-Wa asked. Qui-Gon grinned and pushed a heavy bench against the door. "I brought you something," Ben-Wa said. He pulled a baggie of pot out of his pocket. "Some of us in the Agricorps are growing it. Want some?"
"I'm dying for some," Qui-Gon said. "If they catch me with any, they'll put me back in rehab, or jail. Parole violation."
"Well, we'll just have to be sure no one catches us. Maybe we should find someplace with a locking door..."
"I've missed you," Qui-Gon said affectionately, and kissed Ben-Wa on the cheek.
"The curve of your lips redefines history," Ben-Wa murmured, and kissed Qui-Gon passionately on the lips, then knelt in front of his former master. "Can you roll while I'm doing this?" he asked, pulling off Qui-Gon's suit. "As hot as you look in this suit, you'd look a lot hotter out of it..."
"DAMN, I've missed you, Ben-Wa," Qui-Gon said.
"Save me," Obi-Wan complained to Maul. "Bill is nagging my sister about leaving for the honeymoon. Ew!" He winced.
"Are you TRYING to piss me off?" Maul snarled.
"Don't be such a jerk. I'm mad at you, but I'm trying to be nice."
"Don't bother," Maul said.
"Why are you such an asshole? What did I ever do to you?" Maul rolled his eyes. "What? are you jealous?"
"Of you and that hippy? never!"
"I think you ARE jealous. I think you do shit like steal my credit card and run up charges on it to punish me for sleeping with him."
"Then why does listening to us fuck provoke you to put your head through the wall?"
"Because it pissed me off."
"Yeah, well, I think you need to admit that you like boys. Then maybe you'll be a little nicer to me." Obi-Wan pouted cutely.
"Only when there are no girls available. And I still don't like YOU," Maul growled. Obi-Wan started with the trembling lower lip. "Stop it." Obi-Wan turned up the lip-trembling volume. "I mean it. We're in public."
"So, now you're ashamed to be seen with me?" Obi-Wan said petulantly.
"No, but YOU'LL be ashamed when I throw you over that table in front of your birth parents, your adoptive parents, and all the guests," Maul threatened. Obi-Wan's emotions turned on a dime, and he leered and jerked his head towards the door. How the hell does he do that? Maul wondered.
"Excuse me, boys," Maaaaaaaace Winduhoohoo said.
What the hell is HE doing here, and when did he arrive? Maul wondered.
"I was just wondering if you could tell me where that studly master of yours is."
Obi-Wan looked around confusedly. "I think he's in the men's room," Maul suggested, hoping that Obi-Wan didn't notice Ben-Wa was missing. He couldn't take the waterworks...
"Thanks, man," Windu said, and leered at Maul behind Obi-Wan's back.
Windu knocked on the men's room door. "Qui-Gon?" he asked. The only response he heard was a groan. "C'mon, man, let me in." There was a scraping sound, then the door opened enough for a naked arm to pull him in.
Qui-Gon shoved the bench back against the door... naked. Nice view, Windu thought. Then he shook his head and got back to business.
"Are you NUTS?" Windu said. "I could feel you gettin' high across town. If they catch you..."
"It's my fault, Master Windu," Ben-Wa said, stepping out of a stall and giving him an appraising and approving look. He was naked, too.
"Oh, hi, Ben-Wa," Windu said, wondering if Ben-Wa still had his number. He still had fond memories of Ben-Wa's inducing him to give him a passing grade in Jedi history. Ben-Wa, picking up on the memories, grinned. Windu turned back to Qui-Gon. "Man, if you wanted to toke, you coulda done it at my place! Don't do it in the bathroom! At least do it where you can lock the damn door!"
"I got carried away," Qui-Gon admitted.
"Yeah, well, you'd better uncarry yourself and get back out there. You're lucky Obi-Wan didn't catch you. The lungs that boy has, all Coruscant would know what you were up to. Not to mention the crying and the hair-pulling and the bitch-slapping..."
"Damn," Ben-Wa said. "I love my brother, but he's always been... intense."
"I was going to say 'demanding,'" Qui-Gon muttered, pulling on his underwear. "Or 'difficult.'"
"You didn't see him before medication," Ben-Wa said.
"Hmm," Windu said, with total disinterest. "Get dressed. You can talk and get dressed at the same time, can't you?" Windu nagged.
"I guess. We were finished, I think... unless you want to join us?" Ben-Wa winked.
"Somewhere with a locking door, and we won't fit in a stall. And I think we need to get out of here. This place smells like a hash bar." He gave Ben-Wa a dirty look. "I know you were just trying to show Qui-Gon a good time, but I don't want him arrested again, okay?"
"Okay," Ben-Wa said, blushing and staring at his feet. "I don't want anyone to get in trouble over me..."
"Hurry up, you stoners! Get dressed! I'LL guard the door. Go!" Windu nagged. Ben-Wa grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed. "The things I do for you, man," Windu groused to Qui-Gon. "Nice suit!"
"Aw, shit, it reeks of pot. Now I'll never get my money back," Qui-Gon complained.
Ben-Wa wandered off to go talk to his parents. Qui-Gon and Mace watched him go.
"Nice boy," Mace observed. "Not very bright, though."
"Eager to please," Qui-Gon observed. "Uh oh," he added, as he saw Obi-Wan approaching.
"Where were you?" Obi-Wan asked accusingly. "You weren't with my brother, were you?"
"I was just offering him career advice," Qui-Gon said innocently. Obi-Wan looked suspicious, but Qui-Gon remained firmly innocent.
"I thought you two weren't exclusive," Windu said.
"We're not," Obi-Wan said. "But he's my BROTHER. It just bothers me, okay?"
"Hey, it's none of MY business," Windu said.
"Jealousy leads to the Dark Side, padawan," Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan pouted.
"I try not to be, but sometimes I can't help it," Obi-Wan said sulkily.
"Okay, everyone, it's time for the garter and bouquet!" Mary Sue announced. She hiked her skirt with an expression of distate as Bill slobbered all over the garter, pulling it off her leg with the finesse of a wounded womp rat.
"I hope I catch the bouquet!" Obi-Wan said.
"Not if I catch it first!" Ben-Wa said.
Mary Sue threw the bouquet, and, after practically a wrestling match on the floor, Obi-Wan caught it. Bill shot the garter wide, and it snagged on one of Maul's horns. Maul snarled. Sidious chuckled.
"So, Maul, put it on his leg!" Mary Sue said, with a wicked gleam in her eye. Maul growled and shot it at Obi-Wan like a giant rubber band. Obi-Wan sulked.
"Off to Wahaii for the honeymoon!" Bill exulted. "And if you were Honeymooning with THIS, wouldn't you be thrilled?"
"I'm not a 'this,' sweetie," Mary Sue said, a dangerous edge in her voice. Maul considered killing Bill on the spot, and was surprised to see Obi-Wan fondling his lightsaber with a dark scowl. Dartha's pleasant smile went icy. Even Ben-Wa clenched his fists.
"Of course not, kitten," Bill said. Maul ground his teeth. "So long, everyone!" They hopped into the waiting limo. Maul wondered if Bill would survive the honeymoon. He hoped not.
Maul had just arrived at Senator Palpatine's office when Bill and Mary Sue arrived. "Hi, Dad!" Bill said. Maul ground his teeth and turned around, and immediately wished he had put his eyes out instead. Bill and Mary Sue were wearing jeans and matching "I got Lei'd on Wahaii" t-shirts. Bill had a stupid, freshly-laid grin on his face, and Mary Sue just looked bored. "I just wanted you to witness my will. If anything happens to me I want your daughter taken care of..."
It's not like you can take care of her NEEDS when you're alive! Maul thought.
"I appreciate that," Palpatine purred.
Yeah, I bet she does, too, Maul thought.
Palpatine cheerfully signed the quadrillionaire's will, noting with disappointment that his twit spawn Obi-Wan was the executor rather than himself. "Maul, sign here," Palpatine ordered. Maul obliged, and was evilly pleased to note that Mary Sue would inherit everything.
"Mary Sue, can I talk to you for a moment?" Palpatine asked.
"Sure, dad," she said. Finally, an excuse to GET AWAY from this twerp! she thought. "Wait here, honey, I won't be long," she told Bill. Mary Sue and Palpatine left together.
"Maul, Mary Sue told me that the two of you used to be involved and you're jealous..." Bill said.
"I'm not jealous," Maul frothed maniacally. Bill smiled indulgently.
"She said you'd say that. Anyway, I hope we can be friends anyway." Maul was struck dumb with amazement. The very idea that this moron thought he would want to be his friend left him devoid of any snappy comebacks. "I mean, when she said you used to be lovers, back before she found the Force, I admit I was jealous, but I'm so happy now that I forgive you." Maul boggled. Bill continued, "Damn, am I happy. I mean, I had no idea sex could be so good, you know what I'm saying? well, of course you do! you used to be her lover, after all! and she says she feels exactly the same way, and we're so happy that I just want to share my happiness with everyone. What do you say, friend?"
Maul's hatred became complete. He grinned evilly, which Bill mistook for friendliness. "I say sure. Come on by my place later. We'll play Jedi Tomb Raider. Boys night out."
"We should play Ping. I designed it myself." Maul ground his teeth again. Ping was an inferior Pong knockoff--the ball never moved at an angle so you never had to move the paddles.
"They don't make Ping for Sony Play Station."
"Oh, well," Bill said. "See you then!" Mary Sue and Palpatine returned, and at the sight of Maul's evil grin Mary Sue knew her diabolical plan was a success. She began to plan her alibi...
"Wow, Mary Sue, Chez Snobes is a really expensive place! Are you sure you want to treat us to dinner?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Sure," she said. "I can afford it. And I missed my brothers."
"I guess since it's a nice place we shouldn't have any bread stick wars, huh?" Ben-Wa asked.
"I don't care," Mary Sue shrugged. "I mean, we'll be there to have fun, right?"
"No knife-licking," Obi-Wan said. Ben-Wa rolled his eyes.
"I like licking things," Ben-Wa said petulantly. "So sue me." Obi-Wan sighed. "You're no fun at all."
"That's not what I heard," Mary Sue smirked. Obi-Wan blushed. Ben-Wa grinned.
"Hi, Maul!" Bill said. "I brought you a computer, since you just have crummy Play Station. Running the latest version of Doors, of course. It's state of the art! ..Oh, you do have one, is it too old to run Ping?"
"Thanks," Maul said, setting the computer aside. "I bet it'll run linux really well," he added snidely, ignoring the insult to his beloved computer.
"Damn, your place is a dump. Want me to set you up with something better?"
"Oh, what a cute little kitty... OW!" Bill pulled back a bloody, cat-savaged hand with a whimper.
Excellent, my apprentice, excellent! Maul thought.
"You didn't live HERE when you and Mary Sue were... oh, never mind, I don't want to know. I mean, no offense, but Mary Sue has such exquisite taste, and you're, oh, forget I said anything." He shuddered. "Speaking of the wife, she's out to dinner with her brothers, so let the male bonding begin! What do we do first?" Bill asked.
"Die," Maul said.
"I beg your pardon?" Bill asked politely.
"DIE, 'FRIEND'!!!" Maul roared, igniting his lightsaber. Bill eeped and hid behind the sofa. "If you hold still it won't take as long," Maul seethed. "By all means, run away. Please."
Bill screamed, a girly little scream. "Die, Bill, die!" Maul frothed, chasing him with the lightsaber. "See Bill! See Bill die! Die, Bill, die!" Maul chanted maniacally as he lightsabered Bill into tiny bits, then lightsabered the bits into smaller bits. He then pondered what he would do with the bits. He could probably vaporize them completely, but then there would be no body and Mary Sue would never inherit. No, no, he had to dump the bits somewhere where they would be found.
Obi-Wan and Ben-Wa were channel surfing on Obi-Wan's couch. "I don't want to go back to Bandomeer tomorrow," Ben-Wa complained.
"It's only a few more weeks," Obi-Wan said encouragingly.
"Yeah, then what?" Ben-Wa whined. "No job, no money, no prospects... no boyfriend..." He glanced sidelong at his brother. "You have two. Want to give me one?"
"No," Obi-Wan said quickly. Ben-Wa pouted. "Maybe you should steal Mace Windu from Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan suggested.
"That's an idea. Windu's a babe. Not to mention a hot lay. You ever...?"
"Oh, that's right, you're jealous," Ben-Wa said. "If you don't mind a little unsolicited advice..."
"No thank you..."
"Touchy, touchy... I was just going to SAY, Qui-Gon's a hippy. Free love. A slut. There's no white wedding in the future. If I were you, I'd just have fun fucking him and not get attached. You're not me, though, are you?"
"No, I'm not," Obi-Wan said sullenly. Ben-Wa saw Mary Sue's weepy face on the television. "Hey, isn't that sis?" Obi-Wan turned up the volume.
"...the quadrillionaire owner of MacroStiff was found dead and dismembered today in front of the headquarters of his own company. Police believe that the weapon used was a lightsaber, and are questioning the Jedi Temple for any information on any misdeeds the late businessman might have been involved in. The widow, Mary Sue Stewart, is now the owner of MacroStiff, makers of the Doors operating system. Ms. Stewart's father, Senator Palpatine of Naboo, describes this as 'a horrible tragedy.' Jedi Master Yoda was quoted as saying he was probably Sith, or murdered by Sith, but the rest of the council disagrees. In other news..."
"Shit!" Ben-Wa said.
"Okay, what the hell am I going to do with a moisture farm on Tattoine?" Mary Sue groused. She'd been going through deeds and account records for hours and was getting cranky.
"If you don't want it, I'll take it," Ben-Wa said. "I can probably sell it." Or maybe grow pot on it! he thought.
"It's yours," Mary Sue said. She sighed. "This investigation is annoying," she complained. "I have to hand over all of Bill's financial records."
"It's ridiculous!" Obi-Wan said. "Everyone knows the Sith have been extinct for a thousand years. And even if they hadn't, would they waste their time running a company, or killing CEOs? They'd be killing people--and not corporation heads, either--and trying to take over the universe or something."
"Yeah, well, too bad the police don't listen to you," Mary Sue said. "Sheesh. Anyway, Obi-Wan, your credit card bill is taken care of, but I wouldn't get another one if I were you."
"You're the best sister a guy ever had," Obi-Wan gushed.
"Uh huh," she said.
"Sith it was!" Yoda insisted.
"Yeah, right," Mace Windu retorted. "Man, you have Sith on the brain. Quit moonlighting. Get more nookie in bars. Get some rest. Or else we're gonna get intervention on your ass!"
Maul was installing linux on the computer he got from Bill when someone knocked at the door. It was Mary Sue. "Hi, Maul," she said. "Wanna comfort a grieving widow?" Maul growled lustfully and tossed her over his shoulder and started heading off to the bedroom. "Does this mean you wanna fuck?" she giggled.
"Do you?" he asked.
"I have to admit, I'm incredibly horny, and your killing for me kind of turns me on," she admitted.
"I didn't kill him for you," Maul groused, putting her down.
"Oh, get serious. Did you think I told him we were lovers and you were jealous just because I wanted to spill my guts to my new husband? I wanted you to want him dead! You even waited until I had an airtight alibi. They always suspect the wife, but I was making a spectacle of myself at Chez Snobes with my brothers at the exact time of death. After fencing with the breadsticks, Ben-Wa decided to lick almost every object on the table just to annoy his brother. Poor Obi-Wan. He has an overexagerrated sense of propriety--for this family, anyway." She giggled again. "I guess that's not saying much. Anyway, then we got drunk and rowdy, but not so rowdy that they were willing to throw us out." She cackled gleefully.
"I didn't kill him for you," Maul repeated stubbornly. You evil, manipulative, magnificent, Sithly...
"Whatever," Mary Sue said, with a smirk. "Wanna fuck?"
Maul considered this for about half a second before tossing her over his shoulder again. Mary Sue burst into hysterical giggles as he carried her into the bedroom.
Maul wandered the Grey Side of the Force on Friday night, looking for a little action, and saw Obi-Wan sulking over a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
"Hi, neighbor," Maul said ironically.
"Go away! I'm still mad at you!" Obi-Wan downed his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and gave Maul a dirty look. "You're a scoundrel!"
"You like me because I'm a scoundrel," Maul said. "You don't have enough scoundrels in your life."
"I happen to like nice men," Obi-Wan grumbled. "Not that I know any..." Obi-Wan scowled and chugged down a second drink. "Aw, screw it. Wanna fuck?"
"Should I torture you first? Maybe I should make you give me your Sony Playstation, your computer, and your cat first."
"The fickle little bitch would probably like that," Maul noted. "But you can't have my Sony Playstation. Besides, that stuff won't pay the bill, which your sister already paid..."
"It's not the money. I just want it to hurt."
"Not very Jedi of you," Maul observed. Obi-Wan sighed.
"Oh, I guess you're right, but there's nothing in the Jedi Code that says I have to let you treat me like dirt," Obi-Wan observed. His eyes got a mischievous sparkle. "Maybe I should make you bend down and kiss my feet here in the club before I forgive you."
"Never!" Maul vowed.
"Too bad," Obi-Wan said. "I can't begin to tell you how much it would turn me on." He kicked off a sandal and planted his foot firmly in Maul's crotch and started to massage... Maul flinched. "Maybe when we get home you'll reconsider..."
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