Darth Maul vs. His Imagination
by Darth Grey
[Read Darth Grey's author bio]

Most of the characters belong to Lucas. Others are the property of the Sith Academy and the writers who created them. Thanks for letting me play with all the keen toys in here. Original lyrics by David Bowie. Use of all characters, lyrics, props, and scenery is purely complimentary. Please do not sue. Great big thank yous to Siubhan, JediMom, and RedSith for the betas. And a tip of the hat to Siubhan's "Razor's Edge" and JediMom's "Wergeld," which seem to have had a subliminal influence.

A sense of immediate physical danger snapped Maul out of sleep. No sudden moves, a voice in his sleep had said. Something with fangs has hold of you.

He opened his eyes carefully and stared into baleful golden eyes, only inches from his own. My Apprentice crouched on his chest. She had hold of the tip of his nose. Each lower fang rested inside a nostril; his eyes watered under the assault of hot wet tuna breath.

Once she knew she had his attention, My Apprentice began to pull...gently.

"Want to go through the wall?"

Want part of your face to go with me?

"I can't feed you like this."

Obedient zombie minion Darth Maul stumbled to the kitchen, a small, furry shark menacing his ankles.

The cat dish filled, Maul took a couple swigs of Pete's Wicked Ale and poured the rest of the bottle into the coffee maker.

While waiting for the caffeine, he began the painful process of genuinely waking up. Were his memories of Monica and Darth Lara Croft fighting for the Ruby Phallus of the Dark Horned God a dream; or an Easter egg he'd found in his seventh hour of Jedi Tomb Raider last night? Monica had been used to wipe the floor, of course, but she had put up a good fight.

Why had he been able to play Jedi Tomb Raider for ten hours straight? That rare pleasure must be why he felt vaguely happy this morning.

Did I just think 'happy?' Sith are not happy. Sith are especially not happy before coffee with their eyes still crunchy with video hangover. And they are never "vaguely" anything.

The handbook made a deep sigh and grabbed a thesaurus and copy of Strunk & White's The Elements of Style.

But why hadn't he had anything better to do last night? Wasn't this Saturday? Why was he able to balance the empty beer bottle on the end of his Sith Saber through his "Jedi do it with Force" boxer shorts? What the hell was he wearing? ... Wait a minute; what twisted, Force-driven, incredibly hot depravity had Kenobi talked him into last night?


Kenobi wasn't here.

Kenobi hadn't been here last Friday either.

Or the Friday before that.

Or any of the nights in between.

AND OBI-WAN KENOBI WAS GETTING HOME TODAY!! His transport should have landed about... Maul checked the clock.... Half an hour ago. The padawan might have mentioned the arrival time in passing. It was NOT like Maul had been counting days until he got back or anything.

Obi-Wan Kenobi had been off-world on the Jedi Academy's required Wilderness Training Follow-up (WTF). He'd spent the past eighteen days running through the woods with a 50 pound pack on his back, getting sweaty and muddy...his muscles straining with exertion, his moist brow furrowed in concentration. His... STOP IT!

That was definitely NOT what Maul was so happy and excited about. His master must have a task worthy of him for the day. He just hadn't remembered yet.

The last week had been full of the demeaning, rage honing tasks his master delighted in subjecting him to. The Fleet was in town. Most of the top brass of all the Republic's super-powers were meeting with their systems' representatives, engaging in all the sordid activities that transpire whenever political and physical power intersect.

In this incubator of corruption and opportunity, Maul had assisted his master's political machinations as a jack-of-all-trades. Since there was limitless opportunity for both Senator and Sith, Maul had been working overtime.

That had kept him busy enough that Obi-Wan's absence hadn't bothered him too much. He'd really only thought about it when he was at home, or when he'd had to fight off the advances of someone or something on surface leave.

Unfortunately, Sidious had assigned Maul nothing that would allow Maul to vent his rage...or anything else. The psychotic old queen was overdue for something big.

Of course! My Apprentice didn't skip a bite. That MUST be why you're vaguely happy. Doing your master's bidding always makes you giddy with anticipation.

Maul shot a glare at her butt, grabbed the carafe of Pete's Caffeinated Ale, and grumbled off to the shower.


In the scalding water, Maul lathered himself with the red and black fluffy mesh bath pouf because it was within easy reach, NOT because he was trying to get especially clean. The pouf was within easy reach because Obi-Wan hadn't cleaned the shower in a month. NOT because it reminded Maul of Obi-Wan.

Maul's hands were slowing to something resembling a caress because he might have pulled a groin muscle working out. NOT because he was remembering...it had been an especially detailed session of The Sith Revealed to the Jedi.

Maul took a drag off the cigarette he was holding outside the stream of the shower with the Force. Swearing under his breath, he cranked the cold water. As he whooped and shuddered, the icy blast flooded his mind with echoes of the whammy Sidious had used to control his adolescent self-abuse. His tauntaun mother's voice bleated the nightmare warning again and again: "Don't get it wet or it'll freeze solid and snap off!" Ugh! That helped.


Maul looked at the clock again.

Sidious hadn't blasted his door open yet. His master must have something for him to do. Teaching ESL to reform school Tusken Raiders maybe? If Obi-Wan were this excited about seeing me, he'd have been by or called. Get a grip!

Maul looked at the clock again.

If I ask my master for a task.... No, he'd know somehow. Probably make me sit on my ass with nothing to do for the rest of the day.

Maul looked at the clock again.

Obi-Wan had been back on Coruscant for two and a half hours.

Maul looked at the clock again.

Roaring, he pulled on the pants of his gi, grabbed his light saber, and headed for the roof.


Maul was finally one with the Dark Side. His mind empty of conscious thought--his staff an extension of his body, flowing with the Force.

I am Hot Shit! Any Jedi I encountered would kneel before me...Eyes wide with fire and longing.... NO! "Fear and Loathing!" He stamped his foot.

Maul resumed his kata ...Reaching toward me, his hands would tremble as he pleas.... "PLEAD!" Shit! ...He... THEY would plead for their lives! There are thousands of Jedi, and I'm fantasizing about striking down the OTHER ones. NOT the single one ...With the sparkling sapphire eyes that turn to jade when he.... And the trembling lower lip he bites into when I.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Damn it!

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" Part of his brain observed that hopping up and down in frustration was undignified behavior not befitting a Sith. The rest of his brain shot it a look and it shut the hell up.

Maul groaned in despair and banged his forehead against the concrete wall of the building's transformer bunker. This is pathetic!

It didn't make him feel any better. But he kept it up until he could no longer lift his head. His front horn was imbedded in an inch of concrete. This is REALLY pathetic.

"I'm getting the message loud and clear, OK?" He wasn't just talking to himself, but to a specific part of himself. "Don't give me that 'Give in to the Dark Side crap,' I am the Dark Side! And without control of my own brain, I can't rise up and slay anyone.... SHUT UP! That was NOT a euphemism!

"I've waited years to overthrow my master, you can wait a few more fucking hours for a piece of Kenobi. Do we have an agreement? Good!

"And that goes double for any other voices in there whom I refuse to admit exist. We can wait. I can wait."

And if my master catches a glimpse of the inside of my brain right now, my Violet Electric Death may not be swift and painless; but I won't have long to wait for it.

In the end, Maul had to put both feet up against the wall and wrap his arms around his head to get enough leverage to dislodge his horn. As he broke free, the suddenly unleashed force of his legs propelled him high in the air.

With little effort, he controlled his descent, and pulled off what would have been quite an impressive back flip, if one foot hadn't landed on and gone straight through a rain-rotted mattress. The sole of his boot was no match for the slimy batting, and slipped--ignobly dumping him ass-first on the giant mildewed sponge.

"Life hates me."


...I can wait I can wait I can wait... a sweaty, panting Maul was still chanting when he got back to his apartment. Mopping his face with what was left of his Sith Lords Kick Ass T-shirt, he took a deep gulp of air before opening the fridge.

Missed him.

"Newsflash!" Cracking open his beer, he half-heartedly snapped the bottle cap at the cat. "Missing getting laid is perfectly normal for any being that hasn't been spayed."

Well if neutering is all it'd take to solve your little problem.... She stretched, flexing her claws at him. You're also missing a clue, Denial Boy. You just missed him. Can't you smell him?

Maul took his first deep breath not masked by sweat, fridge, mantra, or beer. The predator in him geared up--Obi-Wan's scent filled the room.

No note? No message? "Why the hell didn't you call me??"

My Apprentice blinked, infuriatingly unperturbed. I got MY back scratched, spayed or not.

Inhaling deeply to re-fill his lungs with Obi-Wan, Maul went to take another shower. ...Cold. Snow. Wool. Kilt. Sex... NO! What did we JUST discuss?! I can wait I can wait I can wait...


Obi-Wan's scent was even stronger when Maul re-emerged. Not here. Been and gone again. Why didn't he come join me?

It was cold.

"Who asked you?"

He left something this time.

Lying across the bed was a glossy red box tied with a strap of black eopie-kid skin long enough to ...whimper... Tucked under the lengths of leather was a card: "Until tonight..."

Maul carefully opened the box and blinked at the two-dozen blood red roses, black baby's breath, and rather ticklish looking ferns. Awwww, Obi-Wan had made the florist leave the thorns on.

He was torn between dancing in little circles and... Wait. Sounds next door?

Maul was making a beeline for Kenobi when a blue glowing Palpatine snerked to life between him and his front door.

Safely behind the couch, My Apprentice was laughing so hard she started to cough up a hairball.

"Ah Maul, you're home! And how charmingly 'at home' you look." Palpatine twinkled coyly. Maul's stomach lurched. "I know that I've been... What is that sound? Er, Maul, is your cat all right?"

"My Apprentice is fine, my Master," For now, he added at her.

"Good, good. I've been thinking. I've been... Er, you have fed her today, haven't you?"

"I have. What is thy bidding, my Master?"

"Ah! Yes, well. You know, the Fleet will be breaking up in the next couple of days. And I've decided it would be prudent--as well as pleasurable--to present a private little party for a privileged few of our most, mmm, promising potential allies. Oh dear, my alliteration seems to have gotten away from me for a moment there."

That's not all that seems to have gotten away.

"I heard that. In any case, I was going to give you the day off, since I've been working you so hard lately, but I'm afraid your services are required. The catering should be no problem. I know how you enjoy doing all those unspeakable things to food..."

This is not happening.

"...And I will, of course, need you to be there the whole time to help with all those little things. You know...

Maul let the Nan-C'ei Rai-Ghan Hospitality details slick over him. Smile and nod. There were still sounds coming from next door.

"...Oh, and do be sure those delicious leather pants are in a presentable condition to go along with your other epicurean delights...."

Now if his master would just sign off, So I can get dressed, go shopping, and prepare a full course meal for 20, Maul thought as politely as he could.

"...So, I'll let you get to work."

The vidphone finally snerked out. Maul dove for the front door so quickly he passed through the last of his master's dissolving image.

Tearing the door open, he almost plowed into Obi-Wan in the flesh. ...Flesh...

Obi-Wan's face lit up in a lethal-caliber smile. "Well, you've certainly been keeping yourself well hidden."

Maul's eyes widened. Eyes. Green. Look away. Look anywhere. Look down. Green. Green Jedi-issue tank top. Sets off shoulder so well. ...Shoulder. Shoulder, sweaty from exercise. Smelling like hot Obi-Wan rolling around on damp forest floor. Fluffy mesh bath pouf. Washing sweat off Obi-Wan's shoulder with tongue before scrubbing clean. Salty... Salt on fluffy mesh bath pouf scrubbing skin pink. Drawing blood to surface. Blood. Tasting blood just beneath skin through sweat and salt. Skin... Look further down... No, look much further down. Look at feet. ...Boots... No good. Look at own feet. Idiot! You're still wearing a quick-release towel and you don't have time to... Aaargh! Speak. Mouth. Is. Open... Use mouth to... SPEAK!


"Are you OK, Maul? You seem vaguely..."

"Vaguely? I am NOT vaguely anything!" Sith are not....

"OK, didn't mean to get such a rise out of you when I couldn't do anything about it." Eyes were twinkling at him impishly.

Feet. Look back down at your feet. "I...er...uh."

"Miss me?"

"Grrrr..." That isn't helping. "You're...er...your...dad..."

"Daddy, eh?" Obi-Wan asked huskily. "Mmm, we haven't done that one yet."

... NO! "Your dad. Ew! No! I mean, uh, I just talked to your dad." Whew! "He's thought up some last minute dinner party fund-raising military/senate good-will schmooze-fest bullshit for tonight. And guess who gets to...uh...generally be on display as the grateful ward! Sounds like I'll be stuck there all night...." He finally let himself take a breath. Did I just majorly blow it? Backpedal! "I mean, I know having his ward there is one of his favorite political ploys and all, and having me cater these things always makes his expense records look better, but...."

"ALL night?"

"You know that with your dad there's no telling. 'All night' could end day after tomorrow at midnight."

"Shit... And I've got to be at the Jedi Temple at five tomorrow morning displaying how 'strengthened and refreshed' that retreat made me."

Maul's imagination went to town with that one... Strengthened and Refreshed... Strong and Restrained... Straining and Ready... Stripping and Rrrr... And Obi-Wan had on a pout that sent Maul's brain searching for an exit sign.

"And I'm late getting back to the Temple now as it is."

Maul was pointedly looking at his feet again, so he didn't see Obi-Wan move. The back of his head was just thunked into the doorjamb hard enough to dislodge the mezuzah. Obi-Wan's thumb was over Maul's jugular, fingers cupping the back of his neck. Oh! Obi-Wan was kissing hi--the kiss stopped.

"This sucks..." Obi-Wan spoke directly into Maul's open mouth as he bent to nip his lower lip. "I guess... kiss ...we'll just... kiss...have to wait... lick ...until... nip ...tomorrow night." The kisses were planted randomly, and withdrawn quickly. Maul. Brain. Puddle. Some of his reflexes still worked though. The towel was making a break for it.

Obi-Wan's right hand traced Maul's left temple horn. "We can wait until then, can't we?" Fingers were brushing his cheekbone. "I know it well be hard..." God! Those kisses! Obi-Wan was trying to kill him!...

"It's going to be very hard, isn't it?" ...Maul was almost sure he'd just caught a whiff of.... "But they say that anticipation is the greater part of pleasure."

Obi-Wan dragged his fingers across the underside of Maul's nose. The lingering scent of wool was not what clued in a trembling Maul on where that hand had just been. With a final lingering kiss through musky fingers, Obi-Wan headed down the hall at a trot.

Alone, again. Maul let out a shuddering sigh. The essence of Obi-Wan surged through him with every breath. He could taste it in his own drool. "I. SMELL. PRE-E-E-Y!!"

Hah! Let's just see how hard you laugh the next time I run into the screen door when a bird's on the balcony!

Part of him was yelling. Hey! We were supposed to have a deal!

"I had no choice. Sidious arrived just before Obi-Wan did."

What about our agreement?

"I am changing the conditions of that agreement."


Maul caressed the near-black brick with the hands of an artist. 72% cocoa solids, bittersweet... Bel-Giaan hand crafted.

...Shaved fine, it would tickle when Maul sprinkled it onto Obi-Wan's nipples. And start to melt as soon as it hit the skin. Padawan Chocolate Mousse could be served for two, courtesy of Maul's mouth, once he'd completed the entree below. Obi-Wan's squirming might mess up the presentation, but Maul had just unwrapped this box of flowers....

Too bad the chocolate's fate was to be wasted on palates probably deadened by General Issue rations.

The charcuterie just made it worse. ...Pâté du foie gras, a little druxelles: Kenobi Wellington! Meat that melts in your mouth. And for his dining companion, a deep, rich coq au vin....

"Aaaaurgh! Fuck it! Force damn it to the sulfurous pits of a thousand hells!" A few shoppers guided their carts to other parts of the store, carefully avoiding any sudden movements.

I will cook. I will garnish. I will serve. I will execute a feast that would give Dartha Stewart such a case of Hostess Envy..., and accept that my master just has me on display along with the god damned erotic fucking floral arrangements. But fuck if I'm going to spend the entire fucking night being boy-toy eye candy for a crowd of two-digit IQ'ed ensign-buggering jar-heads!

I am Sith. And Sith are NOT home decorating accessories. After the Alderaanian Absinthe and the other illegal aperitifs go out, that's it! I'll press the "start" button on the clean-up droids, and I am out of there! ... And into Obi-Wan.... And tomorrow, I'll suffer whatever wrath that rat-bastard sees fit to dole out and thank him for it! It'll be more than a fair trade.

Force! That felt better!

With a spring in his step, Maul started adding items to his cart for a late night supper for two. Force bless the Re-elect Senator Palpatine Expense Fund!


Dropping the groceries in an undignified heap, Maul vaulted the railing, and was about to open Obi-Wan's balcony door when he saw the object of his desire. About a foot and a half above the backs of Obi-Wan's kilt-fringed knees, it rolled to music only Obi-Wan could hear. Maul paused where he was to enjoy the fluid motion. Payback time! Obi-Wan would be left squirming when Maul had to run off at the end of this round! The phone rang. Obi-Wan lunged for it.

"I've been going crazy waiting for you to call! So we're all set for tonight?"

Wuh? Pressing himself to the wall, Maul strained to hear the conversation.

"Yeah, that all worked out.... He said it was some political thing... What?... No, no, I don't think he suspects anything... And the body paint?... I just picked up the brushes. ...I know, I know... I just want everything to be perfect. ...Well, it's getting fucking hard to keep him out of my head, but... OK, what time should I be over? ...Right. OK. Look, I've got to get out of here. I'm going to go off my nut sitting around here waiting. So you'll forgive me if I end up knocking on your door a little early?..."

Maul disengaged his fingers from the chicken wire and stucco where the wall had been a few moments before. And crept silently away. I will not give him the satisfaction.

Back at his own apartment, Maul dropped the half-pound of sashimi grade fatty tuna into an unusually quiet My Apprentice's bowl. "It's yours."


Across town, the senator from Naboo leaned back on his pink angora chaise lounge and giggled into his mai tai. "Oh Maul! You're just too easy to manipulate when you're so focused on keeping me out of your mind. Whatever the current details of your obsession with my son may have been, I'm afraid they were distracting you from your training again. Yes, this is MUCH more satisfactory."


This was Honed Rage. This was anguish. This was time to throw himself into cathartic food torture.

The onions were making his eyes water. At least Maul could have his revenge on THEM!

What the fuck am I saying?? Do the tattoos across my forehead really spell out "SUCKER," and no one's ever bothered to let me in on the joke?

Shmuck! You're a fucking Sith! Act like one!

Maul blinked with realization.

This was the last, vital element. His rage was complete.

Tonight, he would rise up and slay his master.

His revenge on the Jedi would not be far behind.

In a perfect, black, calm, the knife danced in his hand as his thoughts flowed. Wait until your master, weak in his petty lusts, goes to "slip into something more comfortable." Follow him to his boudoir and kill him with your bare hands. Rip out his laughing, venomous throat. Flood the generals with the event. The Force will drive it through their minds; make them taste your blood lust. They'll be under your whammy and your command before you re-entered the room. And no one in the galaxy will know...

Maul'd give 'em eye candy all right.


"And how are you enjoying our party, my apprentice?"

"I've been pinched, groped, and mentally undressed by a group of beings supposedly representing the best leadership their worlds have to offer."

"Yes, Isn't it wonderful? And you're being so fabulously stoic about it all!"

"They have the etiquette of Hutts, and worse table manners."

Maul glowered across the room to where Admiral K'herrk of the Trade Federation was slouched in his chair exchanging verbal barbs with a skull-faced commander in a push-up uniform and a Tina Turner shock wig. It will be too easy to rid the Sith Empire of those two liabilities. I'll play them against each other effortlessly, and nothing will trace their destruction back to me. They can continue their lover's spat in hell.

"Exactly what I was thinking myself." Oh shit, he hadn't noticed Sidious in his thoughts. "Tell me, my apprentice, what do you think of the young lieutenant over there? I've been studying his career with great interest."

Maul considered the cadaverous officer. Palpatine's definition of "young" was rather generous, but age was trivial. Maul was fascinated. The sharp eyes in that straight-razor face caught everything around him, and revealed nothing. Warily, Maul reached out with the Force to look inside Lieutenant Tarkin's mind.

"He's perfect." Maul whispered. Absolute logic, absolute brilliance, and not a glimmer of the Force. That would make him vulnerable to the Jedi, but once they were disposed of... That man would wield the power of military command with a ruthless loyalty rooted in self-interest; never in conflict with it. For the first time in months, Maul had a hard-on that had nothing to do with Obi-Wan Kenobi, or even with sex.

...And that made him think of Obi-Wan Kenobi. The moment was gone. Maul re-doubled his shields against his master as the pit in his stomach re-opened. The waiting game had not dulled his rage. But it had given weaker emotions time to gnaw at him.


The rest of the group had passed through the door in front of him and still Maul hesitated, staring at the entrance to the Grey Side. What if Obi-Wan was in there? ...Grinding those perfect hips into some undeserving...

Of all the dirt-bag fetish catering establishments on Coruscant, why was Palpatine making him walk into this one?


Shortly after dinner, his master had announced that a special entertainment had been arranged in honor of his guests. Maul had expected the Chippendale Revue to pour out of a coffee table. But no; the entire party had been moved to an undisclosed location in a small fleet of Senatorial Motor Pool limousines. Maul was genuinely surprised. All these military tacticians going along with what could so easily be a mass assassination? "Round to the Queen!" As Obi-Wan would...NEVER use that expression again!

Indecision might not befit a Sith, but Maul was of two minds nonetheless. Did he ignore the instinctual need to run from Palpatine's sex life (preferably to the cold comfort of Misters Ben & Jerry on a familiar couch)? Or did he risk losing his resolve and the opportunity to strike his master down?

Maul's guardian, always mindful of his ward's best interests, had made the decision for him. "On this occasion, my dear boy, you will accompany me. I'm usually very indulgent with your demure prudishness. But tonight," Sidious had hissed in his ear, "I insist."

If Sidious was so heedless of own fate, who was Maul to argue? If his master had chosen tonight to actually whore Maul out, or Force himself on his apprentice (was there anything in the handbook about Sith raping Sith?), Darth Sidious would not have long to rue it while alive.

"Are you all right, my dear boy? You seem vaguely...."

Maul set his jaw. Across town, the handbook threw itself from the bookshelf and buried itself under the couch.


Maul took the final steps into the Grey Side of the Force. It could be worse. I'm probably just in for Mace and Qui-Gon's rendition of "In the Navy" and a pub-crawl of galactic proportion. Nothing I can't survive with enough alcohol. And a few hefty shots of penicillin in the morning.

Very quietly, part of him also hoped that Obi-Wan really would be there. Just to see him. ...And see who was he was so hot for. Sure didn't waste any time, did he? At least he'd see the worst and get it over with... SHUT UP!


Maul felt Obi-Wan's presence the moment he entered the club: he was here, and tingling with excitement. In the same instant, Obi-Wan's mental shields crashed between them. Well fuck you too!

Maul did not know or care whether he made usual seat at the bar unoccupied by using the Force, or just the force of his glare.

"Pete's." He said flatly to the bartender. "Stoli double, mescal, Stoli double, Death Gulp." His finger jabbed the bar for the position of each drink. His eyes dared the bartender to ask where his "boyfriend" was.

Maul was NOT scanning the room for Obi-Wan. He was just surveying the crowd and keeping an eye on his master. After brief consideration, he decided he'd rather not keep an eye on the table where Palpatine was holding court. Tarkin, Qui-Gon, and Windu were in attendance. A few club-boy sycophants served as ladies in waiting.

Yoda had just tried to slink up to the group in a black sequined number. No foundation garment in creation could have made it look slinky on his stunted lumpy body. But hope, it seemed, sprang eternal. "A drink you will buy me, hmm, big boy? Show you a good time I will, yes! Just love a man in uniform I do!"

No hint of Kenobi. He must have ducked out when Maul arrived. Wise choice. Turning his back to the rest of the club, Maul ordered another Hamster Death Gulp and settled in for the wait.

After a lifetime, and several more rounds, Maul saw the club's manager futzing with a microphone. Finally! OK, let's get this over with.

"Welcome to the Grey Side of the Force!" General drunken exuberance answered.

"I'd like to give a special thank-you to Senator Palpatine and his guests for joining us tonight. And I'm sure you will too," (the audience broke into polite applause) "because thanks to them, we have the extreme pleasure of welcoming an old favorite back to the stage...."

Maaauuuul... Obi-Wan's voice purred through Maul's head.

Oh shit ... Not that. Maul had to get to the door!

The intro is utter shite, but how else was I going to get my da to play along? Maul, this one's all for you....

Yeah, whatever. "All for me." And for whoever was on the other end of the fucking phone... And whoever the fuck else I don't know about!

"...Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Obi-Wan Kenobi!!!!!"

There was no way out. The crown had become a mob. And Maul's brain was practically pulsing with messages of... No! He was NOT going to be suckered. He was NOT doubting what he'd heard that afternoon. He was...

Every sound in the club died with the house lights.

A single blue spotlight exposed Kenobi standing center-stage in his Jedi robes with head bowed. His pale skin reflected the light as a ghostly glow. The anticipation flowing out of the audience made the deadened follicles on the back of Maul's neck rise. This crowd had seen what kinds of shows Obi-Wan could put on. Sperm production in the room was almost audible.

Slowly, Kenobi spread his arms wide and arched; his neck thrown back like that time Maul had...

Maul was NOT straining to see the veins throbbing under the marble-smooth skin.

Two figures emerged from the shadows around him and latched onto the shoulders of Obi-Wan's dull, rough robes. Then everything seemed to happen at once.

Robes were ripped off the unmoving body. The stage was flooded with lights, turning Obi-Wan's fuzzy head the color of flame. Music blared. In the time of three chords, Kenobi, now dressed only in a disturbingly abbreviated pale silk robe, snapped his head erect, stalked to the microphone, and wrapped his hands around it exactly the way he wrapped those incredible hands around a similarly shaped part of Maul's anatomy--which began to stir indignantly.

Maul shifted his hips in a futile attempt to accommodate it, unconsciously mirroring Obi-Wan's movement on stage.

Lowering his head until his lips were about to brush...the microphone, Obi-Wan leveled his eyes at Maul over the crowd:

"I'm an alligator..."

I'm an idiot! Part of Maul groaned. Obi-Wan pulled one corner of his mouth down into a carnivorous leer. The music and the audience screamed.

"...I'm a Sith In-Vader-er,
I'll be a rocking' rolling BITCH for you...."

Obi-Wan had emphasized the line with his hips, much to the rest of the club's glee. With the motion, he had also aimed a very focused Force-thrust at Maul. A few inches of the wooden bar splintered as Maul's spine crushed into it. Maul dug his fingers into the already mutilated bar, reeling from the flood of private imagery that crashed over him. Should he be ordering another drink? He'd get back to being mad at Kenobi in a few minutes.

"Keep your mouth shut,
You're squawking like a pink monkey bird,
And I'm bustin' out my brains for the words...."

Somewhere, Yoda was crowing about the brilliance of the lyrics. Maul only noticed the way the muscles and tendons of Obi-Wan's thighs were snaking around each other until they disappeared under a lapping wave of creamy satin. All he could think about was how flower-stem fragile that neck looked in its high collar, and how he wouldn't have to get any of those buttons out of his way.

"Put your 'lectric eye on me, Babe,
Put your ray gun to my head.
Press your space face close to mine, Love..."

If Maul didn't go along with them quietly and do what the nice Jedi said, his Electric Eyes and Ray Gun were going to tear themselves off his body any second! The embroidered dragon seemed to be slithering across Obi-Wan's chest. Lucky fucking embroidery! One good tug of Maul's teeth would be the end of that silly little belt.

"...And freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!"

Oh... His hands tensed into claws. Maul needed to feel the contours of Obi-Wan's ass and narrow hips through that liquidy fabric. And raise that damned hemline up a few very necessary inches...

"Don't fake it baby,
Lay the real thing on me,
The church of Man-Love..."

Oh shit

"...Is such a holy place to be..."

Maul felt himself being drawn toward the stage again. Obi-Wan was begging him to.

"Take me, Baby! Make me know you really care,
Make me jump into the air... If you dare!"

Obi-Wan was daring him to.... Oh Gods! The last three weeks had sculpted muscles on his lover's already heavenly body that Maul hadn't realized he still needed to lick. But Obi-Wan's make-up for the night somehow also made him look dangerously fragile. The hips were swiveling invitingly. But the body as a whole paced the stage with the powerful grace of a sand panther.

Did Maul need to sink his teeth into the back of Obi-Wan's neck and crush him through the floor? Submit himself to the Jedi's pleasures and pray they were as fierce as his own? Was it possible to do both at once?

Oh Force! A guitar solo... Like Obi-Wan hadn't been writhing up there enough without a fucking guitar solo! We all know what's coming next, kids. Here's where Kenobi's going to...

Fuck me!

There had been motion off to the side of the stage. It was not important. A hooded figure with a guitar had been coming closer to Obi-Wan. So long as it didn't get in the way, it was not important. As the guitar solo began, Obi-Wan fell to the floor in a puddle. So did the hooded cape.

"Fuck me..."

...Maul's brain was stuck. Darth Mary Sue towered menacingly over her brother. Sheer black robes fell only a hair below her guitar. She wore very little else.

Except Maul's tattoos.

From her 5 inch heels to the circlet of horns peeking through the crown of her dark curling mane, Mary Sue was closing in on Obi-Wan in his skin. Maul had been set up. Yep, this was a private show. The crowd was near riot.

Obi-Wan had been cowering before her approach. Now he crawled toward the magnificent figure...as Maul had once crawled across Dartha Stewart's kitchen floor...

The Jedi was kneeling. He was leaning forward (along with everyone else in the club).

Of course, Maul, you won't be holding a guitar later. But I bet you'll make as much noise.

Obi-Wan's hands slowly climbed the jagged black and red swirls of Mary Sue's thighs until his mouth reached the strings....

Whimper... Fuck me. That had a totally different meaning right now. The guitar must be enough of a dental damn to block the incest squick.... Incest? What incest? He was watching himself with Obi-Wan, right? That's what we look like? No wonder we keep getting applause.

Was he watching himself with Mary Sue? ...No... He knew he wanted Obi-Wan kneeling in front him like that. And he could see himself kneeling in front of Obi-Wan. Oh yeah, that wasn't a stretch. But did he also want to be kneeling in front of himself like that? Why the hell hadn't they painted Obi-Wan??... Ow! Ow, my brain!

Obi-Wan's back arched further as Mary Sue straddled his chest. Chest heaving with effort... eyes a grimace of concentration... drops of sweat running down his... or were those tears? Mouth open so wide... skin stretched so tight against cheekbones it would have to split open... Like Maul's crotch seam.

The music climaxed and the guitar's neck pulsed to neon blood-red life.

Maul's own Sith Saber howled in silent outrage. It could have been me! Oh god it should have been me!

Thank you for contacting Maul's brain. We're sorry. No one is available to take your call at this time. If you'd like to leave a message....


"You're kidding! You thought WHAT?"

Maul, Obi-Wan, and Mary Sue were deep in the shadows near the back of the club. The boys were wrapped into as complex a tangle of limbs as they thought they could get while standing up in a public place.

"How the hell was I supposed to know you were talking to her? Do you know what that sounded like?!"

"You overhearing that conversation was NOT part of the plan." But Force, are you ever hot when you're jealous!

"Well, apart from Maul's compulsive eavesdropping, I'd say everything proceeded exactly as you foresaw. I guess you're allowed to look that self-satisfied." Mary Sue winked at her brother.

Maul twitched at the mental image of himself in an apron, hands on hips, nagging a middle aged Obi-Wan: "I swear! You're acting just like your father!"

"Wouldn't have come off for shit if it hadn't been for you!" Obi-Wan beamed at Mary Sue over the top of Maul's nuzzling head. "Thanks again."

"Shut the hell up already! I had fun!" She was glowing. The audience had given her a damned good Dark Side high. Maul wasn't disturbed to note that he, personally, was more interested in lighting her brother up like a Christmas tree.

"And I got to make my favorite brother incredibly happy. Tormenting your Horny Little Boy without even trying? That's just icing on the cake." Mary Sue's "sweet" smile under the red and black was chilling. "What more could I possible want? Except, maybe, that you two take it somewhere a little more private before I have to bail you out of jail again?"

Maul could not have agreed more, and was about to throw Obi-Wan over his shoulder when Palpatine swished up to them with an arm neatly hooked around Lieutenant Tarkin.

"As always, a wonderful performance my dears. Our guests were positively thrilled! Obi-Wan, I can't thank you enough for orchestrating all this for me."

A gruesome realization settled on Maul. His master had managed to exploit two of his children again. And had made Obi-Wan the unwitting cause of today's game of Torture the Apprentice.

Simply by doing what he asked! Isn't it delicious? Ah! The power of good intentions, and the road they pave! The sated glow around the Senator's eyes might have been purple eye shadow, but Maul doubted it.

Oy, this family's gonna be the death of me!

"And that dinner party, my boy, was a stroke of genius!"

"That was your idea?!? What the hell did you..."

"I just asked him to do me a favor and have you over for dinner, or something, to keep from ruining the surprise." Obi-Wan Shrugged. Like I said, anticipation is the greater part of pleasure, my love. Must be true, 'cause right now you're oozing so much pleasant anticipation it's giving me a buzz. I want you to tell me all about those daydreams I kept getting glimpses of all day. Tell me about them slowly...

I'm not your... And I wasn't... And I haven't been... Grrr... I'll give you 'pleasant'. You're gonna wake up with so many 'pleasant' red claw marks all over your snow white tan, you're master's gonna think you copied my tattoo.

Thank you, my apprentice, I'll be savoring those images for weeks.


"Yes, it truly was a delightful evening, but I'm afraid I must bring it to an end."

Thank the Force!

"Time for us to be off, Maul, we have a transport to catch."

A circuit in Maul's brain seemed to have shorted out.

"The Trade Federation Conference? My attaché's unfortunate accident?"

This isn't happening.... No, his master couldn't really have a card like this up his sleeve.

Obi-Wan's mouth had dropped open. Now his lips were pressed together, his weight shifting from foot to foot.

"Really Maul! I don't know where your mind has been today!" Is it possible that I forgot to tell you any of this? Oh dear, I do hope it doesn't interfere with any plans you might have made.

Mary Sue was intently staring at empty space and adjusting her shoulder bag.

Not after this month....

"I can't believe you aren't packed. How could you possibly have forgotten about this trip?" Ah well, I'm sure some appropriate garments from the wardrobe I keep on the ship will fit you. Although you may have to spend most of the flight altering hemlines.

Not after this day....

"Oh, you don't mind driving, do you?" It's such a long drive, Tarkie and I should be able to slip in a back seat game of naughty cabin boy, what with all the traffic.


The shoulder bag shifted again, this time without Mary Sue's assistance, and a small striped head appeared. A paw waved as Sidious.

"Why, what's my precious princess doing here?" Palpatine leaned in and scritched the underside of My Apprentice's jaw. Purring, she drew a "Property Of" trail across his cuff in white hair and spit, then allowed the senator to lift her out of the bag and into shedding range of his entire velvet ensemble.

Lieutenant Tarkin, eyes watering and bent finger firmly pressed above his upper lip, muttered something about saying his good-byes to the rest of the group, and beat a dignified but hasty retreat.

"Yes, you came to kiss your Pal-Pal bye-bye, didn't you Pretty Puddy? Yes, you did, you pretty purring girl! Oh! o-ho-ho-ho pu-u-urr! Ye-es! Maul! Didn't I ask you if you'd fed your cat? Look at her! The poor darling's ravenous! Where's that waitress? We must get my baby pud some fud. Yes, yes we mu-ust!"

Mary Sue widened her eyes at Maul and made the subtlest of nudging gestures with her head.

"Uh, I'll go find her." Finally grasping the situation, Maul led an equally stunned Obi-Wan out of his master's range of vision. The bar and the bathroom were in the same general direction, and both were conveniently behind his master's back.


You wanna hurry it up? There's only so long we can keep this going out here.

Maul carefully tested his muscles. Good they were still there. Hands braced against the counter, he pushed himself off Obi-Wan's back, found that his knees were jell-o, and propped himself against a wall. He was still remembering how to breathe. Gazing at Obi-Wan didn't help much.

"I have to go. You know how your dad is when he gets impatient."

Obi-Wan hauled himself upright and staggered over to kiss Maul. "I'll miss you. How long are you going to be gone?"

"Don't know. Didn't know about this until the same time you heard about it. Shouldn't be too long. Willing to wait for round two?"

"I can wait," Obi-Wan smirked and sent him a playback of "Maul, as heard through apartment wall." ...I can wait I can wait I can wait...

"Oh, you are so dead, Kenobi! Wait in fear."


They rejoined the others just as a harried cocktail waitress set a margarita saucer of shrimp and raw salmon front of My Apprentice. The cat twitched her tail and dove in. Sidious obediently withdrew the hand that was still scratching behind one of her ears.

"You see?" he appealed to Mary Sue with a hint of exasperation as he put down the bag of crab chips he'd been hand feeding the cat. "I knew they had it back there for those ghastly daiquiris the Mon Calamari are so fond of. I don't know what's happened to the service in this establishment!"

Mary Sue carefully hid her smirk behind a hand.

"Well, now that's been taken care of, we're off. Just as soon as I track my own yummy-treats back down." As the senator minced away in pursuit of his military man, Maul, Obi-Wan, and Mary Sue winced as one.

Obi-Wan stared at the cat. "She wouldn't let me leave this afternoon. It was like she wanted to come along. You've got a weird cat, Maul. Very helpful..." he added as her ears rotated back, "...But weird."

The ears straightened. I couldn't risk you doing something typical, like trying to kill my future apprentice out of sheer stupidity. She thought disparagingly at Maul.

As for payment for services rendered, she turned the focus of her thoughts to Mary Sue. Don't worry about the case of albacore until this one gets back. Blondie is always good at keeping me well stocked while he's gone. But I will expect the first live catnip plant tomorrow.

Maul gaped stupidly at the two of them. You bribed my cat?

It was that, or putting up with Obi-Wan moping around about 'all that work for nothing!' until you got back. You owe me. Big time. Again. Mary Sue shrugged.

Speaking of owing, I picked up an invocation Blondie made just before we began negotiations--"Oh Force, I'd give anything...." blah, blah, blah. As the Force's agent, and said miracle, I'll settle for having him forget to close the screen door a few times so I can lure in my own toys. I also want him to keep cleaning the box for a month after the Slob gets home. It would not be wise to reveal myself to him just yet, so one of you will plant the suggestions in his head.

Maul snorted, You're too generous!

Oh, and whatever you dropped in my bowl this afternoon? I want all of it.



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