The Feline Side of the Force
[Read Tzigana's author bio]
Disclaimer: George owns Maul, Siubhan created My Apprentice, Darth Meow lives at my house and tortures me daily.
NOTE *...* is cat-speak.
It was another fine day. The small, striped cat was lazily washing her face in a sunbeam. Her master was who-knows-where, getting into who-knows-what trouble, but since he was out of the apartment, he was not her concern at the moment. It was time for a nap.
Suddenly, she felt a presence. She looked up to see another cat, a black and white tom, perched on the couch and gazing at her with piercing yellow eyes. *Enjoying your day off?* the cat asked.
*Yes actually, and how did you get in here?*
*I have my ways.*
*Sure you do. Well, you can just use those ways to get back out again,* she said with a Sithly wave of her paw. *This is my place, and we don't need another cat here.*
The other cat just gazed at her, now with a hint of amusement in his whiskers. Her whammy had bounced right off. *I'm not here to move in, little Sith-kitten. I'm here to see you.*
*Oh really? Sorry, but you're out of luck. I had an operation several months ago and now I can't help you.*
*I'm not here for that either. I'm here because your training has been woefully lacking. I'm here to train you in the ways of the true Sith Felines. My name is Darth Meow, but you will call me Master.*
My Apprentice had had more than enough of this smug tom cat. She was going to sharpen her claws on him and wipe that amusement right off his furry face. She launched herself at him without any warning, but he easily flung her back. To add insult to injury, he flipped his tail and shot a bolt of purple lightning from the tip of his tail right to her nose. She quickly righted herself and began licking her tail to regain her composure.
*You do not yet have the rage and anger necessary to strike me down. That is why you must be trained in the ways of the Feline Sith.*
My Apprentice stopped her fit of indignant grooming. *I already have a master, and he's going to be home any minute now. He'll turn you into kitty-burgers.*
Darth Meow yawned hugely. *That child? He can't even strike down his own master.* The tom jumped down and came nose to nose with her. *I sense much potential in you. I'm offering you the power to control your master, his master, the twit next door, AND his hamsters. Are you sure you can dismiss this opportunity?*
At the mention of the hamsters, My Apprentice perked up her ears. She considered his offer, then delicately touched noses with him. *Very well, I will accept your guidance...Master.*
*Wake up, my apprentice. The time has come to begin your training.*
Grumbling feline curses, My Apprentice stretched, then trotted into the living room to meet Darth Meow. *What is your bidding, my Master?* she snarled, in her best imitation of her human.
*It is almost six a.m., your human is still asleep and your food dish is empty. You must wake him up.*
My Apprentice would have paled, if a cat could do so. *I don't think so! He gets really crabby if I wake him up when he can sleep late.*
Darth Meow raised his paw. *Are you rebelling already? You must trust me in this, my apprentice.*
Adding more curse words to her litany, My Apprentice headed back into the bedroom. She leapt onto the blankets and started kneading her claws into the sleeping form. With a sleepy growl, she was unceremoniously flung back to the floor. She tried to whammy him with visions of tuna, but he just rolled over and went back to sleep.
*Lick his ear.*
She jumped, not realizing Darth Meow had followed her and was now observing in the doorway. *What?*
*Get up there and lick his ear.*
With a skeptical flip of her tail, she did as her master bid. Her sandpaper tongue darted into the human's black ear as she bathed him like a kitten.
"Mmph, Obi, stop that," was the muffled response she got. Her human pushed her away and pulled the covers up over his head.
*Hmm, he does seem rather resistant this morning. Climb up on the window sill.*
Now rather intrigued, My Apprentice did as she was told.
*Now leap off and land right in the middle!* instructed her master.
With a 'rowrr!' of glee, she did, landing half on his stomach, half slightly south of that, claws extended for traction.
"YEAARRGHHH!" her human shouted, as he jumped out of bed, holding his more delicate parts and looking for his attacker.
*Now! The Whammy! And don't forget to look cute. Cuteness is your ally!* Darth Meow mentally shouted to her. He had darted back to the other room so the human wouldn't see him.
My Apprentice posed herself on the bedside table where she had taken refuge and raised a paw. "Merrrrow?" she queried, projecting tuna and cream for all she was worth. Her human stopped whirling around and started at her, then headed for the kitchen, grumbling all the way.
*Very good, my apprentice. I will return later for your next lesson.*
She was stalking the pizza box life-forms when he returned.
*Good afternoon my apprentice. I see your hunting skills are as sharp as I expected.* Darth Meow had again appeared without notice, and with no hint of how he got in. *I have something for you that will help with your training.* With a dramatic flourish, he stepped aside to reveal a ball of yarn.
*NOOOooooooOOOO! Not yarn! Cute I'll do, but not that cute! It's humiliating!* she yowled.
Her master's calm was not disturbed by her outburst. *You must learn to hone your anger. This will be a good lesson for you in control.*
With a feline sulk, My Apprentice inspected the ball. She supposed it wouldn't be that bad, after all, there wasn't anyone to home to see her. She gave the yarn a pat. Darth Meow gave her a warning growl. She pushed the ball with a little more fervor. Soon she was tangled up in yarn, rolling around the floor like a nip-addict. Of course, her human picked that moment to come home.
"What the hell?" he remarked. My Apprentice cringed and tried to disentangle herself.
"Oh, how cute! Who's a cute widdle puddy tat!" Oh even worse! The twit Jedi from next door was with her human! Her rage and anger grew as she struggled to free herself without increasing the overwhelming cuteness level. She looked around for her feline master, determined to shred his tail, but he had already escaped. Finally she let Obi-Wan remove her from the yarn, since he did give good scritch.
That evening, My Apprentice heard a low hiss from the balcony. Her human was busy on the computer, so she opened the door with the Force and slipped outside. Of course, it was Darth Meow.
*Good evening. What were you doing just now?* he inquired.
*Napping,* she admitted. *I was worn out after that humiliating exercise this afternoon.*
Her master smirked at her annoyance. *I have one more lesson for you today, one that I think you will enjoy. I want to teach you the most effective way to annoy and distract a human.*
*No, although that will get an immediate response. No, this method is much more subtle. I noticed a fine collection of horns in the hutch. They must be fun to knock to the floor.*
*Well, yes, but the human gets angry with me when I play with them.*
*Excellent. I want you to go back in and knock one off the shelf.* He held up a paw as she started to protest. *Knock one off, then get out of his way and wait for further instructions.*
With trepidation, My Apprentice returned to the apartment. She leapt onto the stereo cabinet, then onto a bookshelf. Using a touch of the Force, she turned the handle and opened the doors. Reaching into the hutch, she batted one of the horns over to the edge of the shelf. As her human looked up in annoyance, she gave it a good smack that sent it flying across the room.
The human rose with a roar and chased her until she darted under the couch. "I told you to leave those alone!" he shouted, as he retrieved the horn and carefully placed it back on the shelf. "Bad cat!" he added, closing the doors of the hutch securely.
She could hear her feline master's laughter in her mind. Darth Meow remained on the balcony, but he might as well have been sitting next to her. *A perfect reaction. Now, young one, I want you to return to your vantage point, but don't touch the horns. Just wait.*
My Apprentice made sure her human had returned to his work before she came out from under the couch. She nimbly returned to the bookshelf. Her human turned to watch her with annoyance. She gave him an innocent look. He turned back to the computer, but glanced over his shoulder again.
*Excellent. Open the doors again, then reach in, but don't actually touch the horns. If he starts to move, take one jump back towards the floor,* her master instructed.
She did as she was told, silently swinging the doors open, then putting her claw tip as close as she could to the nearest horn. Sure enough, the human spun around in his chair and she leapt down to the stereo. "I'm watching you!" he growled. He got up, closed the doors and put a rubber band around the handles. With a smirk at her, he returned to his work.
*Again,* Darth Meow said. She waited a minute or two, then went back to the bookshelf and stuck out a paw. The rubber band started to stretch and her human again turned toward her. She repeated her small retreat. This was fun! She could almost see steam coming out of his ears! From her position, she reached out with the Force and with a bang, the rubber band snapped, whacking her human on the back of his head. He spun on his chair and she slipped back under the couch.
With a growl, he put another rubber band on the doors. Then, with a glance at her under the couch, he rummaged in a drawer, removed a small key and locked the doors. "Let's see you get past that!" he retorted as he went back to the desk.
My Apprentice put her whiskers forward in amusement. Now it was a challenge! She could sense amusement from Darth Meow, as he watched from the porch. *We should soon see results,* he remarked.
My Apprentice placed her paws on the shelf and stretched lazily. The human glanced at her, then back at the monitor. She casually jumped up and seated herself. The key to the hutch started to levitate toward the hutch. When it turned in the lock, her human turned around again, but she gave him the 'cute' look. He growled and attempted to go back to his work. She stretched again, and the rubber band flipped off the handles and flew across the room. After looking back and forth between his work and her, the human suddenly jumped up out of his chair.
"What? What do you want? Food? Okay, let's get food." He headed for the kitchen and opened a bag of her favorite kitty treats. "There, now will you let me get some work done!"
She purrred and rubbed his ankles as she went to inspect the treats. Her human stomped back into the other room. Darth Meow soundlessly appeared and helped himself to a treat. *Now do you see the power of the Feline side?* he asked.
*Yes Master,* she replied. *I think I'm going to enjoy my training!*
Email the author
To the Chronological Story Index
To the Author Story Index
Return to the Sith Academy Homepage
Back to Siubhan's House of Horror