Coruscant Ultranet Messenger
by Katherine the Art Chick

With a special thank you to Siubhan for the name of the Instant Mesenger service, and Mary Sue's nickname thereon. ;) Obi-Wan's nickname belongs to Darth Landry and the Intrepid Housemate Melissa. Some of Mary Sue's funny lines were stolen from my Evil Twin, Joan the English Chick.

Maul was reading his email when a Coruscant Ultranet Messenge from "OB1" appeared on his screen: "Hey, baby, what are you wearing?"

"Are you fifteen feet away from me in your own apartment?" he typed back.

"r u m/f? wanna cyber?" was the only answer.

With a smirk, he typed back, "I'm wearing a filthy, smelly t-shirt and sentient jeans. I stink."

"ooh baby thats hot wanna fuck? gee its hard to type with one hand."

"I have a date tonight and need to take a shower so he doesn't take one whiff and fling me out on my ass," Maul typed back.

"LOL that would suck man!"

"No, there would be no sucking. That's my point," Maul typed back. He could hear Obi-Wan laughing through the wall.

"No sucking sucks man! You'd better take a shower so there'll be sucking!"

"Sounds like a plan," he typed back, and logged off.


Obi-Wan sat at the computer and giggled as SithLrd logged off, then idly Coruscant Ultranet Messaged LizardKing, "hey r u m/f? what r u wearing?"

"Brown leather pants, Glinda's tiara, and Mace Windu," LizardKing responded.

"TMI!!!!!!!" Obi-Wan typed back with a snicker.

"Does this mean you don't wanna cyber?" LizardKing answered, followed by, "Windu sez, 'Keep your brazen net.hussy CUMs off my man LizardKing or I'll send you .wavs of Yoda's last excursion to the lower levels!' LOL!"

"Sounds like it's time to go. ;)"

"Don't do anything I would do. ;-)"

"Guess Maul and I are watching the Donna Reed film festival tonight."

"Ooh, baby. Kinky. Can we join you?"


"Tease." LizardKing then set his status as Away.

Obi-Wan scanned his contact list. DarthaWhelp was on, but away. He checked her away message. "I'm in the shower. Try not to picture me naked until my return." He smirked. SlutBoy was available, but he really didn't want to talk to his vapid brother. Once Ben-Wa had typed into the wrong window and had accidentally sent his brother some cybersex. Ewwww.

He messaged LizardKing, "I'm bored!" He received LizardKing's Away message--"Off doing the Wild Thing with VoodooChild; don't wait up. Love me two times, baby!"--as an autoreply, and answered, "TMI!" The only answer was the Away message again. Sigh. Aha! DarthaWhelp was avaliable!

"hey baby r u m/f? I was picturing you naked and wanted to know if I got it right," he typed.

"LOL," DarthaWhelp responded. "Perfect boinkboy imitation."

"I'm bored. Entertain me."

"Hey OB1, I'm toned and perfect and have huge breasts. I'm eighteen years old and looking for a real man!"

"You're a girl? Ewwww! No offense. ;)"

"y r u so mean?????????????????????? what did i ever do 2 u????????????????????? :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( !!!!!!!!!"


"Where's Maul? Isn't it his job to entertain you? Do I need to kick his ass for slacking?"

"Taking a shower."

"I'll try not to picture him naked."

"You've seen him," Obi-Wan observed.

"Oh, yeah. Never mind me, just picturing Maul naked..."

"Cut that out!"


There was a knock at the door. Obi-Wan typed, "That's probably Maul at the door now, BBL!" and logged off.


Mary Sue looked at her contact list and sighed. Then she smirked evilly. It was time for her evil alter ego to come out and play. She logged off as "DarthaWhelp" and logged back on as "2drnk2fck," and sat back to wait for the boinkboyz.

BubbaBoy messaged her, "r u m/f?"

"I'm a girl. I'm new to this Ultranet thing."

"what do u look like?"

"I'm blonde and skinny. I'm eighteen years old."

"wanna cyber?"

"What's that?"


"What's that?"

HrnyBoy messaged her, "hay baby what r u wearing?"

Mary Sue snickered. Soon these losers would regret messaging her.


Ben-Wa read LizardKing's Away message--"Off doing the Wild Thing with VoodooChild; don't wait up. Love me two times, baby!"--and sighed. He wished he could get him some of that. But there was no telling when Qui-Gon and Mace would be back. On the other hand, it was an enjoyable mental image, and he pictured it at length. He stopped when he started to drool. No sense in ruining yet another keyboard.

Sighing again, he messaged LizardKing, "Want a blow job?"

LizardKing's Coruscant Ultranet Messenger client answered, "Off doing the Wild Thing with VoodooChild; don't wait up. Love me two times, baby!"

Ben-Wa wrote back, "I'd love to love you two times. Want two blow jobs? Two each!"

LizardKing's Coruscant Ultranet Messenger client answered, "Off doing the Wild Thing with VoodooChild; don't wait up. Love me two times, baby!"

Ben-Wa stared sadly at the screen and wondered yet again what "LizardKing" meant. Then he went in search of hot sweaty chat.


"I'm taking off your blouse," HrnyBoy messaged 2drnk2fck. Mary Sue snickered.

"Why don't you tear it off with your teeth?" she typed back.

"Oh BABY!!!!" HrnyBoy responded. She snickered.

"I'm licking your boobs," BubbaBoy messaged 2drnk2fck.

Mary Sue laughed out loud and said, "As if! But she typed back, "I'm moaning softly and swooning in your manly embrace."

"I'm pulling your panties off," StudMan messaged 2drnk2fck.

"I don't wear panties," she answered.

"Oh, BABY!" StudMan messaged back.

Mary Sue chortled and threw popcorn at her monitor.


"Hey, man, while you're up can you get me a beer, too?" Qui-Gon said, sitting down at the computer.

"Dude, you are NOT checking your CUM messages!" Mace protested.

"Ben-Wa wants to know if we want blow jobs."

"Does he mean the virtual kind or the real kind? 'cause I'm not really into that cybersex thing."

"I could probably change your mind," Qui-Gon said lasciviously.

"Okay, I'll accept dirty messages from you. But only you. Just 'cause if you type 'Oh baby you're so good!' at me you at least know what you're talkin' about," Mace answered with a snicker.

"I sure do," Qui-Gon answered with a wink. "Of course, so does Ben-Wa."

"Nope, sorry," Mace said. "No more exceptions. I'm only makin' an exception for you so you don't try to convince me all the damn time." He headed off towards the kitchen.

Qui-Gon messaged SlutBoy, "Are you still available?"

SlutBoy answered, "For you, any time."

Qui-Gon messaged SlutBoy, "What did you have in mind? a naughty chat, or an in-person visit?"

"I'd prefer an in-person visit, but I'll take what I can get."

"I'll have to ask Mace if he minds. I don't want to piss off my date."

"Tell him I'd love to get my hands... and other body parts... on him. In fact, I'm in danger of shorting out my keyboard at the thought."

Qui-Gon giggled, and typed, "I'm sure he'll be glad to hear it."

"Your beer," Mace said.

"Ben-Wa wants to come over and join the party. Here, read what he said yourself."

Mace leaned over Qui-Gon's shoulder to read, and snickered. "Sure, what the hell. I like the boy. And it's not like I'm going to be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs while you have all the fun."

"Oh, no," Qui-Gon purred. "We want you to play, too."

"Come on over. You know where I keep the spare key," he messaged SlutBoy.

"Cool! Be right over!" SlutBoy answered.

"Whatever are we going to do until he gets here?" Qui-Gon asked Mace, giving him a long, seductive look up and down.

"Something tells me you have a thing or two in mind," Mace answered.


"Sorry, boys, but I have a chance at REAL sex," Ben-Wa told his computer, and logged off. He grabbed condoms, lube, and a baggie of "party favor" and raced out Mary Sue's guestroom door.


"I'm gonna fuck you now," HrnyBoy messaged 2drnk2fck. Mary Sue realized that the moment was ripe. At last she would reveal herself to the boinkboyz. At last she would have her revenge.

"No you're not," she typed back. "You're a loser jacking off in front of a computer monitor at a stranger who's laughing at you."

There was a long silence, then HrnyBoy wrote back, "What?"

"I lied. I'm 65, male, and Gungan."

"Ewwww!" HrnyBoy wrote back, and logged off. Mary Sue cackled evilly, then looked at the little blinking message windows from BubbaBoy and StudMan with a smirk.


Ben-Wa fished the key out the drainpipe with the Force and let himself into Qui-Gon's house. Locking the door behind him, he wandered back to Qui-Gon's bedroom.

Qui-Gon and Mace were feeding each other chocolate. "Hi, Ben-Wa," Mace said. "You got here fast!"

"Yeah, hi Ben-Wa!" Qui-Gon said with a mouthful of chocolate.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Mace said. Qui-Gon stuck his tongue out at him. "Charming." Qui-Gon flipped him the bird. "Promises, promises."

"I make good on my promises," Qui-Gon said.

"I make good on anyone's promises!" Ben-Wa said cheerfully, and giggled. "I brought pot!"

"You're so cute! as if we would run out," Qui-Gon said with a wink.

Ben-Wa bounced onto the bed. "I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Coruscant Ultranet Messenger!" he announced, waggling his eyebrows.


Okay, BubbaBoy was annoying. It was time for him to go.

"I see why you spend all your time pursuing online girls," Mary Sue messaged BubbaBoy. "I imagine this approach wouldn't get you anywhere in real life."

"Fuck you!" BubbaBoy answered.

"You wish," Mary Sue typed back. BubbaBoy logged off.

Mary Sue looked at StudMan's message. An evil smirk crossed her face.

"Oh shit, look at the time! Gotta shower and shave!" she messaged StudMan.

"You shave your legs every morning?"

"No, my face. I'm a short-order cook at a truck stop. You seem like a cool dude, maybe we could get beers sometime, pick up chicks. Gotta find a shirt that hides my beerbelly."

"Oooh!" StudMan messaged back. "That's hot, baby! Can you forgo the shower and shave?"

Mary Sue snickered to herself, and said, aloud, "What the hell."


"On your knees, StudMan!" 2drnk2fck ordered. "I want you to beg me for the honor of sucking me off!"

"Yes, sir!" Yoda messaged back, trembling in delight. He started entering his begging into his grammar checker, just to make sure he didn't lapse into his usual syntax in his excitement. "Finally, a live one I have found!" he exulted to himself aloud.



Email the author

To the Chronological Story Index
To the Author Story Index
Return to the Sith Academy Homepage
Back to Siubhan's House of Horror