Sith Academy--the Apprentice Amateur Drag Show
By Katherine the Art Chick
Disclaimer: Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Obi-Wan Kenobi belong to Lucasfilm. No copyright infringement intended. This story © (copyright) Katherine the Art Chick, 1999.
And with a thank you to Siubhan for some funny lines. Also, this is a direct sequel to Life Lessons at the Sith Academy, Part X: The Annual Imperial Senate and Jedi Masters Drag Review by Siubhan and Absimiliard.
Maul was chugging down pepto bismal and icing down his head when his Master, Darth Sidious, stormed into the apartment. Loudly.
"Maul, you and your little boyfriend skipped out on my brilliant performance as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz drag show, and I'm furious. I'll have you know I even spent all night pondering my revenge with that cute Master Qui-Gon. Well, when we weren't otherwise occupied..."
"Please. I'm already nauseous," Maul groaned.
"Well, he and I came up with a plan that should make you regret running out on our show. The Jedi Academy is having an amateur apprentice drag review..."
"No!" Maul said in horror, divining his Master's intent.
"Yes, my young apprentice!" Sidious continued with a sadistic chuckle. "Alas, since you aren't currently enrolled I couldn't enter you in the show, so I made you the judge."
Maul stared in speechless horror.
"I was brilliant! These entrants, however, will be mediocre at best, and you, Maul, will have to watch each and every one of them and judge which is the best. You will also be expected to hand out the Miss Congeniality award."
Maul couldn't believe anyone would be so sadistic. Truly Sidious WAS the Master.
"Your boyfriend, on the other hand, has been entered into the show." Sidious giggled malevolently.
"I don't suppose my grovelling will help?" Maul asked.
"Oh, well, I'd love to see you grovel, but no, it won't get you out of this one, my apprentice." Sidious licked his lips lasciviously. "But go ahead and grovel if it makes you feel better, my boy."
Maul clutched his stomach and swallowed. Through the thin walls, he could hear Obi-Wan whining, "But Master Qui-Gon!!!!!" Sidious, realizing Maul wasn't going to grovel (dammit), turned on his heel and left, chuckling evilly.
"Quit knocking!" Maul roared as he opened the door. It was Kenobi, with a Guinness in his hand.
"Did you hear?" Obi-Wan gasped in horror.
"Don't remind me," Maul groaned.
"I TOLD Qui-Gon that I couldn't ruin my reputation by appearing in some dog amateur show, but noooooo," Obi-Wan complained. "He said it was how he started, and what was good for the master was good for the padawan. What a bitch!" Maul grumbled something in agreement. "But I guess I'd better start practicing so it doesn't look so suspicious when I win." He winked. "After all, I'm sleeping with the judge."
"What makes you think you're winning?" Maul grumbled.
"Well, aside from the sleeping with the judge part," Obi-Wan said, scooting closer, "I've SEEN the competition. Not a one of them can sing a note, not a one of them can dance a step, they all look like hell in a dress, and I've seen better legs on a bunch of Wookiees." Maul groaned, and Obi-Wan patted his shoulder in sympathy. "Trust me, I'm a shoo-in."
"I think I'll gnaw my own wrists open," Maul groused.
That sadistic prick Sidious was going to be the emcee, and yet again forced Maul into lacing his corset, hiding his package, and dressing him in a snazzy black formal. Maul yet again lost his lunch. The bartender yet again mixed up a keg of Hamster Death Gulps and fled. Maul, sitting at his judges table up front, poured himself a shot from his pitcher, and glowered through Sidious's opening act of "Lola."
"You go girl, Miss Palpatine!" yelled the same drag queen from the other night. Palpatine winked. Maul downed another Hamster Death Gulp and scowled.
The opening act was a Wookiee howling, "Like a Virgin." At least, Maul assumed that was what the song was supposed to be. This was worse than he thought, and the blonde Madonna wig perched atop the Wookiee's head HAD to go.
"That's not what it says on the bathroom walls!" someone yelled at the stage. That was just too much information, Maul decided, but he figured perhaps the Wookiee could be Miss Congeniality on the basis that he couldn't understand a word he said.
Oh. God. A Gungan singing "Meesa Enjoy Being a Girl." A Nemoidian singing "I Feel Pretty." Maul wondered if gnawing open his own wrists would be an adequate expression of distaste. A big, beefy humanoid singing, "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No," in a blonde wig with a pronounced five o'clock shadow. Obi-Wan was right, they were all devoid of talent. Well, wait, this group wasn't bad--they looked like girls, at least, but Maul couldn't figure out who... Oh! They WERE girls, doing a Led Zeppelin number. Well, at least they could sing, and Maul LIKED "Black Dog." He moved the girls to the top of his list, chuckling at the thought of how pissed off the boys would be when a bunch of girls won.
Alas, Girl Zeppelin was but a brief respite in the sucking. The next act was a member of Yoda's species singing "Pretty Feel I." "Honey," one of the drag queens yelled, "Feeling pretty don't MAKE you pretty!" Maul heartily agreed, and considered sending the heckler a drink.
After a few more acts, Maul was out of Hamster Death Gulps and wondering if he could contort enough to gore out his intestines with his own horns. Unfortunately, he wasn't limber enough, he decided. Too bad. It might be an adequate expression of his distaste.
"Ladies," Sidious announced, "I'd like to introduce a very special girl who is a personal favorite of mine. And, she's dating the judge, so if she wins, well, we all know why." The audience snickered, and Maul thought, Die. Die. Die. Sidious looked in his direction and smiled sweetly. "Give it up for Miss Kenobi, the Academy Sweetheart!"
The curtains opened onto an elaborate stage set with chandeliers and divans, and a gorgeous Marilyn Monroe impersonator with a little padawan braid peeping out from under the wig...
A bunch of guys in suits entered the stage offering Marilyn Kenobi gifts. "No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no!" She smacked them with her fan. Maul couldn't tear his eyes away.
"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl's best friend..." Maul considered charging the stage and throwing Kenobi over one of the divans and having his way with him... but he'd have to tear his eyes away long enough to get onstage. Damn.
"Square cut or pear-shaped, these rocks don't lose THEIR shape!" The part of his brain still capable of rational thought noted that the costumes were perfect reproductions, the dance number accurately recreated, that Kenobi could sing, could dance, and actually looked and sounded like Marilyn... Shit. The twit was a shoo-in.
"Tiffany's!" Maul realized he was drooling on the judge's table. He made an effort to control his jaw, and managed to glance around. His was again the only shut mouth in the place. Qui-Gon in particular looked like he might pass out. Maul smirked and looked back at the singing, dancing vision of loveliness onstage in time for the big finish. Damn. It was over already?
"Give it up for Miss Kenobi!" Palpatine said. "I bet someone gets a lot of diamonds after the show!" He chuckled.
Maul payed no attention to any of the other acts. They all sucked, anyway. Kenobi was a Genius, a veritable Goddess of Drag. Maybe Girl Zeppelin could split "Miss Congeniality" four ways. Heck, if he gave it to the Wookiee, they might, he thought evilly. Just get it over with so he could give Kenobi his well-deserved trophy and...
"Well, it's time for our Judge's decision," Palpatine said, "as soon as we clear up a little technicality. Miss Kenobi, can I speak to you onstage for a moment?" Oh, shit, what is he up to now? Maul wondered. "The contest sponsors wanted to know... those young men in your number, were they students?"
"Well, no, they were the guys from my club..."
"Oh, no! I'm sorry, Miss Kenobi, you've been disqualified!" Palpatine said in very convincing mock horror.
"What?" Maul and Obi-Wan wailed, in unison.
"I didn't see that in the contest rules!" Obi-Wan whined.
"Me either," Maul growled.
"Sorry, those are the rules," Palpatine said. Obi-Wan's lower lip started to tremble. The audience began to boo. Maul considered briefly choosing another winner, and then thought, Are you ready for me to strike you down, my Master? Sidious looked at him, and considered teasing Maul about defending his girlfriend, but thought better of it. "Perhaps you could do another number," Sidious suggested.
"Well, all right, I DO have another number prepared," Kenobi admitted. "I was planning to use it later in private..." He winked at Maul. The audience hooted. Maul snarled. "I'll need to change, be right back!" He dashed off to the dressing room.
Maul drummed his fingers on the table and scowled up at Sidious. Sidious smiled sweetly. A voice called from off stage, "I'm ready!"
Kenobi, in a woman's slip and curly red wig. "I was feeling done in, couldn't win. I'd only ever kissed before..." he sang.
"I'll put up no resistance..."
"You never did!" shouted a drag queen.
"I want to stay the distance... I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance.... Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty! Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night."
"I'll touch you baby! I'll touch you!" someone else yelled.
Maul thought he smelled smoke and wondered if it was his brain.
"That's one small fraction of the main attraction--you need a friendly hand and I need action!"
The audience yowled in primal lust as Kenobi started the chorus again and felt up his stuffed bra: "Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty! Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night."
Damn, was it over already? He had to tell Kenobi his numbers were too short. He leapt onto the stage in a single bound.
"Kenobi wins. Girl Zeppelin is the first runner up. The Wookiee is Miss Congeniality." He threw Kenobi over his shoulder. "We're leaving now." The audience cheered and hooted and clapped and stomped.
"Wait, my trophy!" Kenobi said. A friendly drag queen threw it to him as he was carried out the door.
Email the author
To the Chronological Story Index
To the Author Story Index
Return to the Sith Academy Homepage
Back to Siubhan's House of Horror